It is difficult for me to fully articulate this season of “nesting” that I had entered into at the start of the year.  On the surface, I was simply focusing on a few of the things that I had been avoiding.  Things I had been putting off until pregnancy.  Like planning for a nursery.  And finding a new doctor.  And taking vitamins.  But these actions were superficial.  They were simply my surface response to what I was feeling in my heart. ...more

I've Been Down This Road Before

No sooner had I implemented the “nesting” philosophy in my life (whereby I was casually preparing myself and my home for children) than the doubts started creeping in.  After all, by this point I was hardly a novice at infertility.  I had well-developed defense mechanisms, and they were super-charged in the face of hope and openness.  ...more


Around this time, at the start of the year and in the midst of discovering my layers of pretense, a rather unorthodox idea had begun to grow in my mind and heart.  You see, after trying to get pregnant for over a year, I felt pressure to let go of my desire.  It was a philosophy reminiscent of the adage “release the thing you love and it will return to you.”  I felt this pressure because it seemed to be one of the universal rules of infertility--that once you let go of your expectations, etc., you can find yourself moving forward.  ...more


It is December 30th, 2008--the turn of the year.  My husband and I have been officially “trying” to get pregnant for a year, and unofficially for over two.  Like most of us during this season, I am in the mood to exercise some hindsight--to reflect on 2008 and ponder the future year.   ...more


An Infertility Observed has passed through six months of journaling since the original “peep show” entry, and it seems appropriate to pause for a reflective interlude.  Looking back, you’ve witnessed as I’ve slipped deeper and deeper into depression during this time.  I was “counting the days of my barrenness,” as I was often fond of saying.  One long day after the other.   ...more


Okay--so I’m freaking out a little.  After reading about some symptoms yesterday, I decided to take a pregnancy test today.  There was a faint (very faint) line.  I’ve never had a faint line.  Never.  It is still so early, but I think I might actually be pregnant this time. ...more


It is a common human tendency to want to place blame when something goes wrong in our lives.  We like to know whose fault it is--who we can blame for our pain or anger or injury or illness.  Obviously, as my previous journal entries indicate, I was placing a large portion of the blame for my infertility on God’s shoulders.  My fingers were pointed toward Him, waiting for Him to create life in my womb.   But I was also placing blame on my own shoulders.  On December 21st, 2008, I write: ...more

Broken Heart

Prior to infertility, I’d only experienced one broken heart in my life.  I was eighteen and my teenage true love fell to pieces.  It was tragic in a way that losing your first love always is, but I didn’t blame God for the loss.  He didn’t make our relationship falter--we did.   This time around the broken-heart-block, things were different.  There was only One person capable of bringing life into this world.  And He was also the one capable of preventing it.   ...more


There comes a point for every woman, after months and months of trying to get pregnant without success, when she begins contemplating alternatives.  Either this is by the prompting of her own will, or the casual suggestions of others about different roads toward parenthood.   I would imagine that many women have mixed feelings about these thoughts.  On the one hand, alternatives offer a proactive antidote to the grief of waiting, and the wear and tear of infertility.  But on the other hand, pursuing them means letting go of pregnancy, childbirth and biological children. ...more

Binge, part two

Yesterday I finished my journal entry with “I’m ticked and I’ll leave it at that.”  Except that I didn’t really leave it at that.  I wasn’t done with my emotional binge. It’s still November 17th, 2008, and I continue writing: I was hurt in the spring when I didn’t get pregnant. I was hurt in October when I crossed the finish line and felt depressed and disappointed, especially after pushing through the end of summer. And I’m hurt now that my work seems to be stalling out. ...more