I do not feel like writing...but I must.

I have found myself at 3:11 in the morning sitting in front of my computer after having a cigarette, regretting my decision, smelling like smoke and craving orea cookies. My daughter is asleep and my conscience knows better than to tell me to stay away, give in to my requests and enjoy some time alone....more
Been there. In almost exactly that place. Except I don't do Oreos, particularly the dunking ...more

school comes first, but my daughter comes before that.

Hello, the beginning of the Fall semester!Meaning... I am back full time, I am biting nails, and I am setting expecations on myself incredibly high.All A student, single, full time mom, graduation in less than expected time, right?My first year as a transfer student at a university has taught me the level of intellegence I have can coast me through pretty much any class, but my efforts are minimal. My effort is what gives me that B- or B+ by the end of my semester. So, I'm not a dummy I am just lazy....more

I miss her.

I miss her. And there is painwhen allowing myselfto enjoy this time alone.And there is pain when I buckled her tightly in the car seatof his carbecause I never let her drive with him before.And there was pain when I watched them drive away.And now the pain of sitting herewithout her presenceknowing I have to let it go.I have to share her with someoneI never loved.But loves her more than anythingIn the world.Just like I do....more

My Guilty Pleasure

Eyes entirely openlistening to the sounds from down the hall. 4:18 am and I am feeding one of guilty pleasures.to explain to you her situation wouldtake up pagesand waste her time.so never ending story shortI enjoy watching chaosbecause it distracts me from my own.screamingcussingcryingI become tempted to comfort the only friend I have.Only I know it would be uselessbecause it will be the thousandth timeon the thousadnth occassion that she has cried a thousand tears(most likely more)....more

initiated insomnia

I am refusing to go to sleep due to an over abundance of energy and pure excitment for creativity.Thus begins the creativity...right here. And... ready, go.Unfortunately I've got nothing.I feel threatened by the other bloggers out there and my fears of incompatance and not being good enough are beginning to seep in to the circle of thoughts that continuosly cycle between my ears.Until I remember that most of my inspiration comes from other people, situations, things, objects, relationships, love, hate, all that wonderful stuff that happens in every day life....more

an attempt to change myself instead of my perception

I received ( in my eyes) the most hideous hair cut today. It turned out nothing close to what I had imagined. Did I speak up? Did I tell my hairdresser otherwise? Of course not. Never do. Thus, leaving me with something I never wanted. Because I can't speak up. ( only in here) The hair cut was first on the list. Next is some snake bites. I've already started saving up for my next tattoo. I've died the hair. I've started smoking. I quit smoking. I started and I quit again. ...more

untitled

Feelings of belittlementin an over sizedoverstockedoutletshopping centerin the middle ofall things that cost too much money. It is no wonder I haveproblemswith myself esteem. No confidence. Especially when it comes to people whohave perfected the lookof degradationandpain projectedthrough a furrowed brow. I stood in linethinking of reasonswhy I should put downthe item I was about to purchase....more

Something is missing.

My child was left behind at her grandparents...otherwise known as one person: Gramapa. I work tomorrow morning at a job that only uses me when needed, thus being completely pointless and really only a means of making some extra cash which in this case...is going towards a savings fund of my next tattoo. I suppose that is one of many ways in treating myself. Mind you I am 21 with a wonderful little booger brain about to enter the phase of toddler-hood. I would say I am a unique mom but how many other young mothers have we seen out there these days. ...more