Naps: HURRY UP AND RELAX

There is a magical time between the hours of 7:30ish pm and 1:00 am. It is quiet. Camryn is asleep or at least quietly working on drifting off to sleep. This is the time that Chris and I finally make eye contact for the first time of the day and I say to him, “HURRY UP AND RELAX”. We are on borrowed time and we better hurry up and enjoy it.
 
Camryn since 2 months has been a great night time sleeper. Don’t get jealous. I can count on one hand the times she has taken a nap during the day so I earn those nighttime sleep hours. Trust me. 
 
Recently, however, she’s been waking up in the night ready to party. She doesn’t cry. The sound is much more irritating than the sound of pointless crying. It’s more of her screaming the sound of a cry. So she is screaming the words WAAAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAAA. It is the combination of an ambulance siren and Jim Carrey screaming the most annoying sound in the world in Dumb and Dumber
 
There is nothing wrong, she’s just ready to read all of her books, point out shapes, and try on every pair of socks and shoes she has 27 times at 2 a.m.
 
Normally I would let her work it out and make screaming ambulance sounds until she stopped but I can’t do that because we live with my in-laws. All of our bedrooms are right beside one another so we all get to enjoy her powerful lungs and vocal chords. To avoid disturbing them and my mother in law going in her room and giving her milk which is a road I will NOT go down, I pull Camryn into bed with us.
 
Camryn and I are not compatible sleepers. She likes to turn like the hands on a clock which means that her big 50th percentile head is on my neck or her feet are slamming down on my face. Neither of these lend to a restful night’s sleep for me. 
 
This week Chris is out of town so we at least have a little more room in our borrowed queen sized bed for my middle of the night beating but it’s still not fun.
 
Monday she simply would not sleep. I pretended to be asleep while she poked my eyes, ears, nose, and pried her finger in my mouth. I tried reading her that great book Go the F*CK to Sleep…I didn’t but I could hear Samuel L. Jackson’s voice in my head as she repeatedly whipped me in the face with her blankie. Go the F*CK to Sleep!  (If you have never seen this, do yourself a favor and check it out on YouTube...just don't watch it at work or in church or any other place where the F word is not acceptable.)

Hour 3 of her bright eyed abuse and I was D-O-N-E. I was absolutely cross eyed tired and was right on the verge of crying. I picked her up and carried her back to her room and said, “Sit in your crib and play by yourself.” To which she flipped the hell out. I started to negotiate with her which is what all outstanding parents do. “Camryn, stay in here by yourself OR you can come to MY bed but you MUST lie down and be quiet!” I held her over her crib to drive the point home to which she monkeyed on to me like her crib was full of sand and hot lava.

 
I took her back to my bed and she didn’t budge. Her eyes were still open but she wouldn’t so much as turn her head. I actually checked to make sure she was still breathing. She was.
 
A parenting breakthrough: THREATS WORK!
 
I was drifting off to sleep, congratulating myself on being such a top notch mom, thinking about my thank you speech for the parenting award that was surely on its way. Time for me to hurry up and sleep! Let the sleeping commence! Victory! Hooray!
 
Fast forward 20 minutes....
 
From my perfectly still, eyes closed, sleeping child came big loud belly laughter. She was cracking up! There is something about a child’s laughter that is angelic…unless it is in the middle of the night coming from a sleeping child, and then it is 49% adorable and 51% creepy as hell.
 
Soon she began her turning, kicking, and cramming her head on my neck. I didn't sleep Monday night. The good news is that I was wide awake and able to snap a picture of her sleeping on my neck which I'm sure we will cherish for years to come.
That's a Breathe Right strip on my nose because I am insanely sexy. 

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