Unicorn Meat Caused the Aporkalypse: ThinkGeek Pissed After All It Does for Bacon
Got sparkle? The release of Eclipse has everyone longing for a little more dazzle, so why not try unicorn meat?
Last week the website ThinkGeek, which sells gadgets, games and other nerd gear, published a cease and desist letter from the National Pork Board's attorneys, who are upset about their use of the slogan "the other white meat" in reference to one of ThinkGeek's products.
It's all well and good save for one minor detail: The product ThinkGeek is selling that infringes on the Pork Board's trademark -- Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat -- isn't real. WTF?
You see, ThinkGeek has a bit of a tradition. For the past few years, the web store has released funny faux products on April Fool's Day. Examples include 2001's caffeinated meatloaf, 2003's George Foreman USB iGrill, 2004's Caffederm Patch, 2005's iCopulate (a data transfer gadget), 2006's wireless extension cords, 2008's Betamax to HD-DVD converter, and, of course, this year's trouble-making canned unicorn meat.
The listing for the hilarious product, which costs $9.99, reads as follows:
Pâté is passé. Unicorn –- the new white meat. Excellent source of sparkles!
Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.
As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.
In light of the obvious joke, the National Pork Board's actions seem a little excessive, if not outright laughable.
"We certainly understand that unicorns don't exist," Ceci Snyder, vice president of marketing for the National Pork Board told the New Observer. "Yes, it's funny. But if you don't respond, you are opening your trademark up to challenges."
Geeknet, Inc., parent company of ThinkGeek, issued an apology to the National Pork Board, with their usual brand of humor.
"It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn," said Scott Kauffman, president and CEO of Geeknet. "In fact, ThinkGeek's canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity."
In the letter, Kauffman notes that the site does more than anybody to promote pig consumption among geeks. This is true: the company offers some 20 different pork-inspired products including bacon soap, bacon lip balm, bacon mints, and MMMMVelopes, which are bacon-flavored envelopes.
Needless to say, the situation has left a bad taste in the mouths of geeks (who, by the way, are huge bacon consumers) the web over.
"To be attacked in this manner, given all we do for pork, the irony is not lost on us," Kauffman said.
A blog post on ThinkGeek featuring the first page of the 12-page cease and desist letter, assured fans that their use of the slogan is protected as a parody, and that they know the National Pork Board has been considering changing its tired slogan for some time now.
Never the sort to miss an opportunity, they made margaritas out of the bitter lemon and offered shoppers a discount all week. The code to enter to get the 10 dollars off at checkout? PORKBOARD, of course.
Now that's how you handle an Aporkalypse.
AV Flox is the editor of Sex and the 405--what your newspaper would look like if it had a sex section.
Image credit: ThinkGeek.
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