Remember When You Were 15?

My initials are also "RJ," I'm "Rita Jane." My grandmother always called me by my first two names, so anyway, I'm going on and on.

RJ, at fifteen I didn't realize how important it was to think my own thoughts. I worried a lot about what my friends thought of me. I worried what guys thought. I don't think any of that is wrong, or unnatural, but at 36, I honestly do not worry about it as much as I did at 15. Something happens between 15 and 36 that changes your mind about the world.

I was the valedictorian of my high school class. I finished college in 3.5 years. I had anorexia. I say this because it's important for my follow-up: I wish someone had really pounded through my head that my perfection (or lack thereof) didn't matter to anyone but me.

I want you to look at your life through the eyes of someone who loves you -- a close friend, your mom, Denise, whoever. I guarantee those people see you as you are, while you yourself at 15 are still seeing things through a crazy-house mirror. You're not wrong, they're not wrong, but it's better to look at you through their eyes, especially after a bad day. We can be so hard on ourselves, and honestly, no one cares. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own stuff, they do not care about yours. You care about yours, but try to look at your life as a continuum and not focus too much on the day-to-day.

I wish someone had told me my GPA wouldn't matter in the real world, but my ambition would. The single most important thing I did for myself in high school was to perform in speech and band -- performing gave me self-confidence that I would need to speak in front of larger groups of people, which then led to me being able to have my job.

Look at every bad experience and find the story in it, the humor in it. Find the lesson, then sweep it under the rug and move on. There's nothing to be gained from obsessing over the past or the future. I never lived in the present until my daughter was born. Now I strive very hard to live in the present every day. The past and future? Are not now.

Find the one thing about you that you identify as RJ. Cling to it. You will need it later in life.

Finally, realize that life is truly finite. This day you live today will never be repeated, whether good or bad. When it's a good day, it makes me a little sad, but when it's a bad day, yay, I never have to do that particular one again. Every day is finite. Nothing lasts forever. It's a blessing and a curse.

Happy birthday, girlfriend.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.