Needing a Little New Years Resolve...

I'm not big on New Years resolutions... I never have been. I tried it last year, resolving to loose 20 pounds, and it worked... until I gained it all back again.

That said, I feel the need for some personal resolve right now. Maybe it's just a coincidence that it comes at the new year but I'm feeling the need for a shift in my life.

It has been a rough five years. We, my family and I, have seen more hospitals and doctors than anyone should have to. At times it has felt life our lives have been dominated by death, illness and fear. Even Big Dude, just four, has started asking about death.

This is not an environment I want for my kids. I can't stop the freight train of illness that seems to be barreling through our lives but I can change my outlook... I think. I've been ruminating on this idea for a while. It seems simple... just be more positive, but I know it's going to be much harder than that. Terminal illness, just the newest medical wrinkle in our lives, comes with a variety of ups and downs that don't generally pave the way for a permanent positive attitude.

This seems, to me, to call for more than just a resolution, it seems to requires more of a permanent shift in the way I see the world but I guess every change needs a starting point, so...

In 2010, I resolve to...

• ...be grateful. Even within the illness that has dominated our lives there are reasons to give thanks. I had two parents that love(d) me unconditionally. They had seven beautiful grandkids, three of them mine. I have a husband that supports me unconditionally. While the illnesses are, and were, horrible, they also could have been worse.
• ...believe. We don't know what tomorrow has to offer. Maybe we have less time than the doctors predict, maybe we have more. Maybe miracles happen. My Christmas cards this year told my friends and family to 'expect miracles' - why can't I?
• ...breathe. A positive attitude will not change the fact that life can still trip you up but taking a moment to breathe deeply and centre myself can go a long way to helping manage the moment.
• ...let the little things go. I've spent a lot of time lately watching people stress out over insubstantial things. While I know I am guilty of this myself, from an observer's stand point, it seems like a colossal waste of energy. When I feel myself doing this, I resolve to stop and ask myself 'does this really matter?'
• ...loose that 20lbs again (heck, since I have such lofty goals, I might as well throw that one in!).

In reviewing my list, it all seems impossible... and yet possible all at the same time. I don't promise to accomplish all this overnight but I do resolve to try... and perhaps let you know how it's going. I'll need encouragement and I'll need a reminder (or 50) of what I'm trying to achieve and why.

It's funny, I started this blog merely as a writing exercise, a way to flex a long unused muscle, but it has brought me a clarity and a body of support I never expected. Thank you.

Happy New Year all!