Never gonna steal my joy!

 think you all may remember, The week before last I went up to Dayton, Ohio where most of my family lives. I love them very much and was so happy to see them and spend time with them. But they bring me down on myself. I know they don't want to, I know they don't realize what they are saying, or making me feel but it still doesn't change the fact.  Things they say,

  • Too bad you look just like me! (is that suppose to be a compliment)
  • You could of really been something ( also compliment or not?)
  • Do the boys ever calm down?
  • I wish you would come around more.
  • I wish you didn't HAVE to live in Georgia.
  • when did Philip's parents get to see the boys last.
  • When you were younger I was the best parent (then describe what they would of done)
  • when are you going back to work? "probably when Cooper is in school" Oh, so long huh?
  • You sure do love to eat. (they would say this one every time I ate even if it was just an apple)
  • Oh you don't watch (insert TV show)  "No I only watch a few shows and ones I think God would approve of."  humph silly
  • and of course every last thing I do with the boys needs to be advised against and how to do it correctly....b/c I never do anything right.

I lived thinking of myself as nothing (b/c of such comments) for 20+ years, and still struggle with them. When negative commentary is coming at you non-stop for days it is really easy to start thinking of yourself as a useless nobody no matter how hard you try not to. During the last week I have been really down on myself b/c of this but I didn't even realize that I was doing it. That's how tricky negative commentary is, you can act like you don't care, brush it off, but a lot of times it sticks in there and comes out as negative things in your life.

Things I have done over the past week to "improve" myself.

  • make the boys do things they don't want to do (b/c they need to be better)
  • look for ways to get a job (that I don't want)
  • look for ways to go back to school (that we can't afford)
  • spend hours making lists of cons and pros
  • spend days struggling against myself
  • workout out three times a day (to the point of exhaustion)
  • eat too much b/c I'm not thinking about what I'm eating
  • scream too much

I am completely ashamed of this list! Especially the first one, b/c my boys are wonderful all on their own and don't need to be forced into being something they are not. I am lucky to have a good church and family that pull me back together or I could of kept on this path of self-destruction for years and have in the past!

It has taken me 7 very long years to learn to appreciate me for me, that someone could love me for me. That I am special without being skinny, without being perfect, without being someone for my parents to show off about, without having some fancy career, without having perfect children. I came out special the day I was born, I will die special. My boys came out special the day they were born and that is all they will ever need to be for me. I think everyone is born special, different and with a purpose. Far be it for me to try and change myself (God's creation) to what society wants me to be.

So as I pick myself up off my ass and get back into MY life and become who God wants me to be ( which for me is supporting my husband, raising my boys, and spreading God's word), I scream You are Never Gonna Steal My Joy! Which is my God and living the life He made me for.]

just like God made these adorable kids to dance! SO cute!

Does anyone ever bring you down?

Enjoy your day everyone!


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