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Or: The Zodiac ... Is Whack.
I'm tired of vague newspaper horoscopes. I've cracked open my last fortune cookie only to discover the following: "Your friends find you sagacious but only the boll weevil laments the valise that is life."
Um, hello? Tell me something I don't know.
Nope, the old system is not working for me anymore. I have, therefore, as a public service and with no thought to personal gain (note to self: install PayPal button with next post) devised a new, modern and, dare I say, kick-ass zodiac system guaranteed to put a spring in your Crocs and a snap in your cosmic trunks.
It's a simple system based on birth month, and I like to call it: The Karm-O-Matic.
Januarian
Special Animal: Ocelot
Dominant Furniture Item: End Table
Vibrational Cheese: Muenster
Overview: Those born in January are known for their shiny, manageable hair, the attractiveness of which might (or might not) be enhanced by oversized canine teeth. Born under what is often called the "Sign of the Fajita," Januarians have innate pan-frying skills, which they often call upon if cornered in the wild. Those born under this sign are fiercely protective of their young, although they do seem to dress them funny.
Februarian
Special Animal: Lemur
Dominant Furniture Item: Murphy Bed
Vibrational Cheese: Asiago
Overview: Those born under this sign have an unnatural knack for recalling hockey stats, an ability that is greatly amplified by shaping the hair into an organic data receptacle, also known as a "mullet." An intensely creative people, Februarians are known for their explosive clog dances and fiercely woven tote bags. Under no circumstances should a Februarian become involved with a Junite. (No, I can't tell you why. It's is one of several Untalkedabout Things in the Karm-O-Matic System.)
Der Marcher
Special Animal: Stuffed Bear
Dominant Furniture Item: Clothes Hamper
Vibrational Cheese: Alpine Lace
Overview: Ah, the Marchers. You know them, of course, as fruit leather artisans to the world, but did you also know they were pioneers in applying tuberous flowers to Rose Parade floats? Well, there you go. Although generally mild-mannered, those born under the Marcher banner are also really good at flicking things with a spork if annoyed, so, you know, heads up on that.
Aprilite
Special Animal: Birdie
Dominant Furniture Item: Davenport (No, really, you can look it up.)
Vibrational Cheese: Gouda
Overview: Those born under the "Sign of the Charcoal Insole" are known for their fastidiousness ... with one exception: they never, EVER, empty their car ashtrays. Landlords love Aprilites because they never stick thumbtacks in their apartment walls, but instead use those little blobs of goo to hold their posters. 23% of Aprilites possess an overwhelming and unfounded fear of inflatable rafts.
Mayan Maynard
Special Animal: Duck
Dominant Furniture Item: Ottoman
Vibrational Cheese: Aerosol Bacon Cheddar
Overview: Don't ever make fun of a Mayjor's hat. That goes double for the Members Only jacket. That's really all you need to know.
Junite
Special Animal: Armadillo
Dominant Furniture Item: Umbrella Stand
Vibrational Cheese: Cottage
Overview: Junites are affable folks who love nothing more than to rent a movie from Blockbuster, bury it in their backyard and then sit around and talk about what it might have been like to watch it. They never cut in line and the only thing that gets under their skin is when someone pronounces "et cetera" as "ECK cetera." Unfortunately, entire suburbs have been wiped out as a result of this sensitivity.
Julysaurus
Special Animal: Platypus
Dominant Furniture Item: TV Tray
Vibrational Cheese: Camembert
Overview: Known as the healers of the Karm-O-Matic System, Julysauruses are highly empathic, often describing others' feeling before said others are even aware of them. (Yes, it can be annoying.) A highly fragrant group, their soft, calming patchouli scent often lingers after they depart, in stark contrast to the acrid bite of smoking rubber from the patches their Corvettes laid on your driveway.
Augustonian
Special Animal: Gator
Dominant Furniture Item: Shelf
Vibrational Cheese: Mozzarella
Overview: Almost all middle-school principals are Augustonians. No one knows why, and we're all too scared to ask. Many people also hold
