A New Couch

Something quite strange has happened to me since I separated from my ex, something I’m not proud of and am not entirely comfortable admitting to the world, but here I go.

For nearly a year now, I’ve lived in fear. I have a fear of making decisions, a fear of moving forward, even a fear of letting go of the past. I realized just how deeply rooted it has become in me as I cuddled on the couch with my two small children this morning. A little info about the couch we were lying on: it’s a twenty-year old floral number I borrowed from my grandparents.  It’s functional, but not very comfortable and way too narrow for three people to lie on together (even if two of those people are less than three feet tall). So at 6:30 a.m. as I lay barely breathing, worried that the slightest movement might cause me to push one of my kids off the couch, my thought process went something like this:

“This couch is sooo tiny! Why on Earth is it still in my living room? I can afford to buy a decent couch for my family. That’s it, today I’m buying a new couch!”

And at 6:31 a.m., my thoughts did a complete 180…

“I can’t just go out and buy a new couch! I’ve never bought anything like that on my own – my ex was always there with me. I’m not ready to make decisions like this. An entire couch? What if I get in a wreck tomorrow and need that money for a new car? Or medical expenses? I can’t buy something as frivolous as a couch right now! And what if I choose the wrong one? What if I buy a lemon? I can’t do this alone!”

So there it is, folks - Fear. I’ve always been a practical person who is responsible with money, but now I wonder, am I taking it too far? When will I have enough money to feel secure again? When will I trust that the Lord is taking care of my children and me and that he doesn’t expect us to deprive ourselves forever? And when will I trust my ability to make decisions again? Because I feel like when it came to making one of the biggest decisions in my life, the choice of a spouse, I must have made the wrong one.

I just don’t know anymore. And I don’t know if I’m going couch shopping this afternoon, either. Hmm.

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