New Year, New Moe?

For the past two years, I have examined who I am as a person and a blogger. Each year I make a promise to myself to do better, but those promises are always empty and nothing ever changes. 

I have come to a point where it’s pretty obvious, I can't keep on the same road I have been traveling, as it has done nothing but keep me stagnant. 

I personally feel as though I'm not living up to my full potential, and it is causing inner turmoil because I know I can do better. I have...quite a few times. 

I scrapped Hello Moe, and started Chasing Moe to document my growth as a person, and I haven’t done that at all. I know I have talked about this a few times when I haven’t felt motivated to blog or when I’m just sitting all in my feelings….but there comes a time when you just look in the mirror and ask yourself, WTF are you doing? 

I want to offer more than just a good ‘READ’ and a funny one liner. I’m turning back into my old self, and masking my true ideas and feelings by putting up a concrete wall to block people out. 

I’m not really interested in being a ‘New Moe’. I’m more interested in being a better Moe than I have been. A better mother, friend and all around person. 

The first step to that is getting out of this way of thinking that I don’t need anti-depressants. I hate taking medications, I hate going to the hospital when I don’t have to….but being holistic can only go so far. I can tell you that I am nowhere near where I was 2 years ago, but it’s SO HARD to want to do so many things and you just can’t. 

The only comparison I can make to make you semi-understand is; it feels as though there’s a closed glass door in your brain, that is keeping all the happy, creative awesomeness locked away and you know that it’s all there, but you have no access to it. No matter how many times you try to break that door, it won’t budge and you’re stuck on the other side of happiness, watching it all take place while you sulk because you don’t have the key to it. 

I read somewhere that depression is usually caused by overthinking. If you know me…you know of my blurting out random thoughts so I won’t forget. You’ll know of my need to always think of what can go wrong instead of just speaking in the NOW, as though my goals are right here in the present, and not in some distant future is a huge problem for me. 

There’s so many things I want to do, but I need to be real with myself about what is required of me, to enable myself to be more active in the areas that require some sort of evolution; spiritually, emotionally and physically. 

I’m grateful for the people I have built relationships with over the past year…that will help to keep me accountable. 

But most of all, I’m more interested in being happy with myself, for myself. 

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