I never thought I would be one of them. Not that I ever judged them, because my younger sister was one. It just never occurred to me that it would be me. I had been so picky about finding “the one,” and at 37 I thought I did…until reality set in and I knew I hadn’t.
Being self-employed, I didn’t have health insurance. So I went to Planned Parenthood to get on the pill. The nurse asked, as they always do, when was the first day of my last menstrual cycle? I don’t know about you, but I never kept track. I did know that I started the day before my birthday, six months ago. So, instead of just ball-parking it, I decided to count 28 days for each month to arrive at February’s date. Then I said, “I should be starting any day now,” and they prescribed me the pill.
The next day, I texted my little sister and said, “I think I’m late.”
She replied, “Oh shit.”
Later that night, I began cramping, so I thought, I’m good. I’m about to start now.
A week passed, and I still didn’t start. This just happens to be the same day that I kicked my then boyfriend out of my place, for coming home at 3:30 am again. He and I talked about this four days before, because he had done the same thing less than a week ago.
As I wake up each morning, for the next three days, my first thought is, “I can’t be pregnant.” Finally on the third day of this, I decide I have to get a pregnancy test. It just happens to be a Sunday. So on my way to church, I stop by the store and get a test.
I need HIM to watch over me as I take the test. So I go into the church bathroom, right when the service starts (lucky for me no one is in there). I pee on the stick and put it on top of piece of tissue on the toilet paper holder, anxious for the results. And BOOM! It literally takes three seconds for it to come back positive.
Then I think, Maybe this is like an Etch-A-Sketch. It swipes back, and it’ll be negative. Because that wasn’t three minutes, that was like three seconds. So I’m definitely waiting the WHOLE three minutes. You never know what could happen.
I lay the stick back down and watch my phone’s clock like a hawk. The three minutes pass. I pick the stick back up, and guess what???
The horizontal line is a lot lighter than the vertical line. Then I say it to myself again, The horizontal line, the one that makes it negative is lighter…so maybe I have a faulty test. Then I realize the vertical part (the part that makes is positive) is the brightest part. So, that can’t be a good sign.
Then it ever-so-slightly begins to sink it…Nothing has changed (guess I decided to get on the pill a little late). It isn’t like an Etch-A-Sketch, after all. Tears flood my eyes, and then the uncontrollable crying starts, but silently. I can’t be too loud, because I am still sitting on the toilet in the church bathroom. Who knows who could walk in at any given moment.
I’m having problems catching my breath. And then it hits me, Jessica you have to be able to make it to your car.
At this point, I can’t even think about attending the church service. I blow my nose, wipe my face, and get it together…enough so that it doesn’t look like I just broke down for three minutes in the church’s stall. I get dressed, wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom, with the pregnancy test in my purse.
I make my way down the church stairs and out the door before the tears quickly come back. All the way to my car, parked in the very back of the lot, I can’t stop crying. This isn’t how I envisioned my life. I sit in my car and call my best friend, who doesn’t answer. Then my other best friend, who doesn’t answer. Then my little sister, who doesn’t answer…before I scream, “Please can someone answer the damn phone!” Yes, I managed my polite “please” even through my hysterics.
Finally I call my good friend, Rene, who answers. She says, “Hello.”
I don’t mess with the unnecessary “Hello,” and I blurt out through tons of tears, “I’m pregnant.”
She says, “Are you kidding?”
I reply, between trying to catch my breath and not going into hysterics again, “Does it sound like I’m kidding.”
She says, “No.”
I say, “Exactly.”
I tell her about my morning, as best as I can. She is comforting and reassuring, yet the news still hasn’t fully sunk in. It’s almost as though I think something will change the results…or hoping something will.
I let her go, because there really isn’t anything else to say at that point.
Then my best friend, Marc, calls, and the conversation goes the exact same way, as though I’m having deja vu. He even asks, “Are you kidding?”
Through my tears I reply the same, “Do I sound like I’m kidding?”
Just like with Rene, Marc is comforting and supportive. This time I let him go, because I’m just tired of crying, yet I can’t stop. I hope getting off the phone will help me stop.
Before I’m able to leave the church parking lot, my now ex-boyfriend calls. I pick up the phone, having control of my crying as best as I can. He asks if he can come get his stuff from my place. I say, “Yes,”
He asks why I’m crying, which surprises me since I thought he wouldn’t be able to tell.
I reply, “I’ll tell you later.”
Since his car is at my place, I offer to pick him up so he doesn’t have to take a taxi.
I arrive to get him. He gets in the car and asks again why I’m crying. I hand him the pregnancy test.
He looks at it and says….