A nice picnic and my voice

I have been using my sticker chart every day for the last three days. And, I am happy to say that I have put a sticker in every single category. Unfortunately, it hasn't all happened all on the same day. Yet. 

I know that recovery is a process. It is so incredibly frustrating with mental health, because there is not a physical thing wrong with you. It is completely mental. There is nothing to show for it, so it's near impossible to feel as though you are making progress. I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient. Healing takes time. It will happen, just not as fast as I want to be healed. 

The hardest thing by far for me has been walking. I have to force myself to do it. Today every ounce of my being wanted to go lay down and take a nap. Instead, I put my tennis shoes on and went outside. I'll just do a short walk - ten minutes, I told myself. I didn't even have a route in mind, I just started walking. One thing I forget is that walking is a great time for meditation or in my case, conversations with myself. I'm able to think through my thoughts fairly clearly and sort things out when I'm walking. Before I knew it, ten minutes was up and gone.

I was feeling good, so I just kept walking. I ended up walking about thirty five minutes, which for me, right now, is great. I was very happy! What I was not so happy about was that I always immediately compare myself to what I normally can do, which is much more for much longer. But progress is progress, and I'll take it.

I spent a bit of time outside today with the three kids. Emma (5) decided it was a perfect day for a picnic. She gathered plates and a blanket, and had laid out an apple, two slices of bread, and a plate loaded with pretzels. James(3), Will(2), and I sat down to enjoy the picnic, and Emma started to hand things out. I offered to go into the house and make some peanut butter sandwiches and to cut the apple up so we could share it. That made Emma giddy; she was so pleased that we were enjoying her picnic. While inside, Emma recruited her grandparents as well, so we all went outside and enjoyed our lovely afternoon in the sunshine while Emma happily served us sandwiches, apple slices and pretzels.

I love to see my kids enjoying themselves, and I especially love seeing them play outside. I think there is something about outside play that is so good for the soul - the sunshine and dirt and breeze just cleanse and refresh. I loved to see that Will had smudges of dirt on his cheeks and nose, and that James was such a brave explorer, climbing and jumping and weaving around the trees.

 

 
The NaBloPoMo prompt for today is about my writing voice - how is it like me and how is it different?

I would say that my writing voice is 90% me, with that last 10% edited in order not to offend anyone, and also edited so that my thoughts come out much clearer than they would if I were talking to you one on one.

I have a hard time articulating on the spot. I am rotten with small talk. But I can sit in front of a computer screen and type away, blabbing on and on, because I know I have the opportunity to go back and edit, or just delete whatever didn't come out right.

When I type for my blog, my audience is the perfect person who just eats up everything I have to say. I don't have to worry about saying the right thing to the right person, or worry I'm being judged, because there is a veil there. I don't have to guard myself or brace for a reaction or read body language, so I can pretty much say whatever I want, and however much or little as I want.

I make every effort to make this blog a completely honest, open sharing experience. I have found, though, that there are just a couple things that I do not share. I won't share anything that I feel would make someone in my family (or friends) look bad. I don't want to embarrass anyone or say something I feel is breaking a confidence or a trust. Other than that, I really do try to share whatever I can. I am more honest in my blog than I ever am in real life.

I'm not saying that I lie every day in real life. All I am saying is that I don't share every nitty gritty detail with every person I come in contact with, the way I do in my blog. Everyone hears everything on this platform, and it really has to be that way in order for me to use my blog as a tool of healing. If I am not able to openly share and work through my feelings, I'm not doing any good, and there is no point, really, in writing this.

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