Teens Charged in the Bullying Death of Phoebe Prince: How Do You Help Your Kids Avoid Bullies?

I just looked up the stats on which states have laws: 41 states have anti-bullying laws. But how much do they actually protect children except in punishing once damage is done?

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Thank you for your well thought out comments, which I think are completely spot on. There would be less bullying, in general, if those who know it's going on (i.e., other kids and school staff) proactively did something about it. I was a victim of bullying myself. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have let myself get bullied with racist and isolating behaviors of my classmates. But it's because of my experience that I am able to empathize and feel real concern about this issue. I want to protect my child and prevent her from going through what I went through. I hope anti-bullying laws become the standard throughout the country. It's a shame we need to have such laws in the first place. But it appears we need them because it's inevitable that there will be people who hate and are mean for absolutely no good reason at all. These children in S. Hadley, MA (incidentally the town of my alma mater) absolutely need to pay the price of toying with another person's life and tormenting them, and to show others out there who feel compelled to bully that you can't expect to get away with such horrible behaviors.

Absolutely agree that there should be bullying education. In school and outside the formal classroom. I think though that all the teaching in the world cannot undo what kids pick up at home and via observation of movies, interactions, etc. That bullying is rewarded, that bullying is a sign of strength. We need to do a lot more than teach kids. We need to overhaul media.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Mine go to kindergarten next year and it is scary to think of them so tiny and mixed in (during lunch et al) with these huge 5th graders. Will they treat my kids well? Will their experiences with other kids build self-esteem or tear it down?

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

By middle school, it's too late.

I've seen and heard time and time and time again incidents of bullying that have taken place in second grade, first grade, even Kindergarten, and parents and teachers passing it off as "kids will be kids": Kindergarten girls making fun of another Kindergarten girl because she doesn't wear "sparkly" shirts; second graders shunning another child because she was out sick with H1N1 and they didn't want to get "pig flu"; a little boy being picked on at scouts because he didn't have a dad to take part in activities with him; my daughter in third grade being made fun of by another group of girls at Sunday school; secular home schoolers harassing another home schooled child for his religious beliefs.

The biggest problem I see is that very few parents are willing to admit this simple truth: not only will your child *will* be bullied, but your child at some point *will* also bully, and your child *will* also watch another child being bullied and say or do nothing. This fact should be taught early on in comprehensive bullying programs that begin day one in preschoool and that follow through with education and mediation with all involved parties immediately and swiftly and in all situations. As soon as one kids falls through a crack, that child learns his or her role and how to "finesse" it - how to take out his or her personal pains on other children, how to swallow pain inflicted and make it part of his or her identity, and - what I think is almost the worst and most insidious identity role - how to excuse oneself from guilt when one sees another human being in pain and chooses to do nothing.

Because the fact is that if every child who witnessed an act of bullying stood up for the child being bullied in some way, bullies would be squashed pretty quickly. I've witnessed this as well, and it's the most simple tactic, and yet the one that we as parents back away from: if our child is not the one being bullied, then why put her on the firing line by standing up for someone else who is being bullied? Because it's the right thing to do, no matter that it's the hard thing to do. As long as we make excuses for our children not standing up for other children in pain, then this will always and forever be a losing battle, and there is little room for complaint when it then comes back around to our child in some way - if not in school, than later on in the workplace, in their neighborhoods, in the life after school that's filled with just as much bullying.

Halushki.com

By middle school, it's too late.

I've seen and heard time and time and time again incidents of bullying that have taken place in second grade, first grade, even Kindergarten, and parents and teachers passing it off as "kids will be kids": Kindergarten girls making fun of another Kindergarten girl because she doesn't wear "sparkly" shirts; second graders shunning another child because she was out sick with H1N1 and they didn't want to get "pig flu"; a little boy being picked on at scouts because he didn't have a dad to take part in activities with him; my daughter in third grade being made fun of by another group of girls at Sunday school; secular home schoolers harassing another home schooled child for his religious beliefs.

The biggest problem I see is that very few parents are willing to admit this simple truth: not only will your child *will* be bullied, but your child at some point *will* also bully, and your child *will* also watch another child being bullied and say or do nothing. This fact should be taught early on in comprehensive bullying programs that begin day one in preschoool and that follow through with education and mediation with all involved parties immediately and swiftly and in all situations. As soon as one kids falls through a crack, that child learns his or her role and how to "finesse" it - how to take out his or her personal pains on other children, how to swallow pain inflicted and make it part of his or her identity, and - what I think is almost the worst and most insidious identity role - how to excuse oneself from guilt when one sees another human being in pain and chooses to do nothing.

Because the fact is that if every child who witnessed an act of bullying stood up for the child being bullied in some way, bullies would be squashed pretty quickly. I've witnessed this as well, and it's the most simple tactic, and yet the one that we as parents back away from: if our child is not the one being bullied, then why put her on the firing line by standing up for someone else who is being bullied? Because it's the right thing to do, no matter that it's the hard thing to do. As long as we make excuses for our children not standing up for other children in pain, then this will always and forever be a losing battle, and there is little room for complaint when it then comes back around to our child in some way - if not in school, than later on in the workplace, in their neighborhoods, in the life after school that's filled with just as much bullying.

Halushki.com

Though I do think that during certain years of life, regardless of how much confidence you enter with, it flies out the window in the face of peer acceptance. When I taught middle school, I watched kids I had known for years in the lower school enter with confidence and spend three years in self-loathing. Even when they weren't being bullied.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

What an enormously sad story. Even more so that adults knew about it and aided it rather than reach out to the boy.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

My girls are still young, but when my oldest started Kindergarten last fall it was all I could think about: what if the other kids don't like her? What if they are mean to her? What if she can't handle it?

Ugh. It's so scary. Bullying should not be tolerated. Bullying my child will not be tolerated - I will be all up in that school! Every single day until the faculty does something.

- Maria Young

immoralmatriarch.com ( http://immoralmatriarch.com )

@maria0305 ( http://twitter.com/maria0305 )

I'm not sure her parents knew the extent of the bullying. Also, having lived near South Hadley, I'm not sure if pulling her from the school was feasible (with the exception of homeschooling).

My only fear is what if you've done all these things and the bullying continues? The other kids were local and there are only so many places to go in South Hadley--they were going to bump into each other in the future.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

The most important things to do, I think, are make sure your child's confidence is cultivated so that, if bullying does occur, it is maybe less traumatic somehow?? And giving them ideas on how to deal with bullying, as well as providing a strong support system, is important as well.

www.mommica.com ( http://www.mommica.com )

I haven't heard how the parents handled this situation with the bullying of Phoebe Prince but I do know how I would handle it if that was my daughter. I would immediately pull her from that school and find a new school or homeschool her. I would do everything in my power to then also monitor her on-line activities so as to prevent/reduce access from the bullies. I just know that I would take my beloved daughter as far away from that sort of situation as possible.

www.julieheinrich.com ( http://www.julieheinrich.com )

Someone at my high school hanged himself after years and years of bullying. All of the teachers knew about it and in fact some of them engaged in it as well. This was in 1990 and no one would have thought of charging the bullies with anything. I don't have any answers, but I'm glad to see bullying become a crime and not just written off as normal childhood behavior.

Deana Birks
Eat. Drink. Read. Blog. ( http://www.deanabirks.com )