OK, wine was involved. Here is the extended version of my thoughts on this, now sober:
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got"---Still NOT an excuse for not apologizing. #drunktweetingsoon— Sheena (@NotAPunkRocker) February 8, 2014
Why are apologies so hard? ls it because we don’t think we did anything wrong? Is it because we think the other person is at fault and owes us one instead? Is it because we don’t want to own up to our actions? Is it because we have lost track of our lies and who was told what?
It doesn’t matter. It’s annoying and maybe even more hurtful than the original issue. Not apologizing for dinging a car door in the parking lot, for a misunderstanding at work, or lying during a relationship all mean one thing: that you don’t consider that person worthy of words to try to fix the situation or comfort them somehow. You are placing yourself above them, you are better than them, your feelings mean more.
Not trying because we think they won’t forgive us doesn’t count. That makes this all about us again, and our feelings, without regard to the their’s. I’m not saying be insincere, but not trying because it makes it look like the other person “wins” says even more about who may be at fault. Time may heal all wounds, but some deserve some sort of slapdash bandage right away, just to keep family ties, friendships or working relationships alive. Others may take more time than any of us have on this planet.
Perhaps this doesn’t bother you. You would rather save face than mend wounds. Plenty of fish in the sea, you can find other friends and you are changing jobs soon anyway. Good if that works for you. I like to think that is rare, but sadly it isn’t. The ex who abused me? Apologized. Probably not sincere about it, but he still said “sorry”. My ex-husband who is a pathological liar? Never did. I, to this day, still “overreacted” over us losing our home and all of our money because of his lies and addictions.
I like to think there are people out there like me who want to do their best to not hurt and instead help others (yeah, that sounds Pollyanna-ish, but what do you expect from this Super Liberal?). This includes owning up to any wrongs and trying to extend that olive branch. You may never know if you are forgiven or not, but you can know you tried.
Still think you shouldn’t have to apologize? That is fine. Maybe yours is a truly different situation. I can’t say, except I hope you are right that this doesn’t apply to you. You and the other party are the only ones who know the truth. You are also the only one who knows the true cost and damage to trust and emotions in the name of “saving face” and “moving on”. Or maybe you don’t because you have blocked that out too.
If you are able to move on and live with it, then rock on. I only wish I had that level of confidence in my decisions and interactions. Being lied to over and over has changed that. I am not going to lose sleep over not getting an apology for what I feel are wrongs against me (I’ll just vent about it on here instead when I think about it). I am used to it by now. Some of those people are no longer around and I would be surprised if they even viewed what they did as “wrong” during their time on this plane.
“Expect the worst, hope for the best” is another phrase I have seen mentioned recently. Unfortunately, hope isn’t nearly there as often as I would like when it comes to some situations. Expecting the worst is the new default, sadly even when it comes to dealing with other people.