No Apologies - Just an ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
By Azhita on June 20, 2011
I stopped myself at the last minute. I was going to start this post with the usual apology for being absent for a few days. But you know what? No. I need to stop apologizing for myself all the time. For not being available to everybody 24/7. For having a messy house. For being 20 pounds overweight. I'm a pretty cool chick for crying out loud, and just like everyone else on the planet, I am not perfect, nor do I want to be.
Why the vehemence, you ask? Well, during my usual Monday ritual of bath, reading, and quiet contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I hold too much in. I do not express the emotions that my body so badly needs me to express. When I'm angry, I bottle it up. When I'm sad, I suck back the tears. I think a lot of us tend to do that, especially women. My husband has the right idea. As much as he hates doing it, he has no qualms about hurting my feelings if it means we can get to the bottom of a situation and solve a problem. Myself however, I HATE to hurt anyone's feelings and will therefore not say what needs to be said. I bottle it up, stress myself out, and cause illness in my body.
I do truly believe that this causes illness. In the last few years my life has gone away from the healthy state that I had worked so hard to create. Although I've never been one to release emotions well, I had my own way. I was active in Tae Kwon Do - the exercise itself wonderful for stress relief, especially the yelling part - it was perfect for releasing pent-up emotions. I also was in tune with myself and the world spiritually. I would find time daily for meditation and working through my problems.
Since starting a family however, which I don't for one second regret, I have slowly but surely spent less and less time on myself. This has meant that those essential releases that I had adapted to make up for my pent-up emotions have been put on the back burner. Which has meant that my stress levels have slowly but surely increased. Which in turn has created illness in my body. Thyroid disease, chronic back pain, tension headaches, stomach problems, etc.
Today that changes. I need to restore health to my body. I need to be fully present in my life, not just going through the motions. I need to do more than just the "hour for myself every Monday." I need to tune into myself and find out what it is that I actually NEED. I've finally listened to my body and figured it out. I need emotional release. Not that writing it here is the complete answer, but it's a start. It's better than anesthetizing myself with chocolate.
So, like good ol' Monty Python, I'll carve the ARGGGGHHH on my "wall."
*Video still from Monty Python - Quest for the Holy Grail*