No Conspiracy Needed: Are Women Becoming Their Own Worst Enemy When It Comes To Winning Equality
From: International Department of the Patriarchy (formally know as the Conspiracy of Men Oppressing Women)
To: The Global Chauvinist Movement and its supporters
For many years we have been under attack and concern has been growing for our few remaining sacred 'Male Only' haunts. We have, as a movement, come to terms with the victory of the suffragettes and loss of the rights, for example, to conjugal relations regardless of whether or not our wife desires it. However, two women have recently come to our attention for their blatant attack on one of our last male-dominated establishments - The C-suite. Melissa Mayers, CEO of Yahoo and Sheryl Sandberg, CFO of Facebook, have caused a significant amount of concern and we wish to reassure you, our global supporters, and communicate our strategy going forward.
We would have hoped that they would have got the message when we paid them less than 75% of what we men receive. We campaigned hard to ensure that, even in 'pink-collar jobs' such as nursing, men still ended up taking the prime management roles leaving women to serve as mere underlings - the 'glass escalator' effect. It is worth saluting those of our North American division who have successfully fought to deny women paid maternity leave.
Fear not, brave defenders of the Y chromosome, we have a plan for ensuring that these two lone 'double X', testosterone-impaired, less valuable members of the species are mere blips on the radar of male boardroom dominance.
We must not overreact. We must put these women into context - they are still a statistical anomaly. Only 14% of c-suite positions are held by women!
Due to this, we have decided to fall back on a traditional male approach to dealing with women. We have helpfully named this approach 'Just Let Them Get On With It". This approach has a number of international variations such as the UK version 'Have A Nice Quiet Cup Of Tea', or the Canadian version 'Drink A Two-Four And Watch Hockey'.
Already the claws have come out. Women around North America have slammed Sheryl's new book claiming that her 'lean-in' concept is elitist, unreasonable, unworkable and frankly insulting. Criticism from within her own gender has been near vitriolic and, as yet, not a single man has needed to step up to the plate. The book has been widely trashed as containing absolutely no value whatsoever. Melissa has come under fire for her new workplace policies and personal mothering choices. I
n short, women themselves have claimed that both these c-suite intruders are elitist outsiders living a charmed and privileged life with nothing to offer the common woman.
Men, we dodged a bullet... and, as long as North American women fail to identify with those of their gender who are simply sharing their ideas on how to make their lives better... we at the International Department of the Patriarchy will go and grab a cold beer, settle into the Lazy-Boy and tune into the big game because women aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
Regards, The International Department of the Patriarchy
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