No Cush for the Bush?

BlogHer Original Post

It's been a busy few weeks for vaginal protection! Not long after Frogger directed me to the Va j-j Visor (nope - no typos here; it is really called "Va j-j Visor"), Denise the Community Manager at BlogHer, introducted me to the Cuchini. If I could make these things up, I'd be a brilliant, best-selling author of satirical fiction instead of a struggling non-fiction writer.

Let's start with the Va j-j Visor, since I learned about it first and it also has a stupid name made dumber by the phonetic spelling of vajayjay, which is a word I hate to begin with. As I wrote at my blog at the end of April:

My life was seriously lacking without this valuable piece of plastic, which is designed to "protect all of those tender and sensitive parts that you don't want exposed during various methods of hair removal." Or naked tanning. Or pubic hair dying. Not only is the plastic cup stylish and eco-friendly ("your body's natural muscular tension holds it effortlessly in place.* It is also hypoallergenic, disposable and recyclable."), but it's doctor recommended! Er, sort of:

A well-respected gynecologist in Tacoma, Washington assisted us in the development of the Va j-j Visor. He answered pertinent questions, gave expert input and opinions, and found that the Va j-j Visor offered a great fit and would help in protecting the inner vulva area during its various uses.

I love when the people who help develop a product don't share their names because perhaps they might be a little less "well-respected" as a result.

*"To create a more powerful seal, spread personal lubricant around the upper inside of the Va j-j Visor. Saliva can also be used in what we like to call the 'lick it and stick it' method."

"Lick it and stick it" method? Again, I wish I could make these things up.

Anyway, once you've used your Va j-j Visor for your Brazilian wax (although I caution people that you are not getting a Brazilian wax unless the waxer removes the hair inside the lips, so either the Va j-j Visor is useless or you getting ripped off - HA! no pun intended - and not really getting a Brazilian wax), the producers of the Cuchini want to protect you from the embarassment of camel toe. For those who are unfamiliar with camel toe, it is what happens when a woman wears a very tight bottom that clings to her vaginal lips, highlighting everything she's got. (For multiple graphic examples of camel toes, you can watch the offensive YouTube video on the Cuchini site, in which the camera pans on in women's crotches while two guys sing about camel toe to the beat of The Beach Boy's hit song, "Kokomo," which was very popular during my days on the bar and bat mitzvah circuit, leading to further trauma resulting from the Cuchini. Ah, the cost of research!)

The Cuchini, whose tag line is "Our lips our sealed," (and really, they owe major apologies to the super excellent Go-Gos for this), explains:

As we have evolved, hair down there is a thing of the past. As the landing strip and Brazilian wax have become prominent in today's world, there is no bush for the cush. And though Camel Toe may be a hot topic... it's not to the gal sporting it!

Their solution? For a mere $19.95, they will send you a doohickey to put in your bikini bottom to smooth out the bottom and thus spare you the embarassment of everyone knowing that - good god! - there's a vagina under that bikini!

Granted, I would not want everyone and their pervert uncles seeing my cooter silhouette, either. Of course, my solution is not to wear absurdly tight short shorts. This also helps avoid the dreaded "crotch rot." (Man, I can't wait until someone invents an anti-crotch rot product. I challenge readers to come up with a name for that, and I promise $10 to the best one. Seriously! Leave a comment with your anti-crotch rot product name...)

Also, I am not convinced that evolution has led to "hair down there" being a thing of the past. If so, we would not naturally have it, and therefore there'd be no need for a landing strip or Brazilian, would there? Further, as an unevolved woman (somehow my pubic region never got the message and continues to grow a wooly patch over the hatch), I noticed when I wear things that are way to tight, I get camel toe. Just trust me when I say that I have plenty of bush for the cush.

Again, the best solution to me is to not wear things that are too tight in the crotch, but then again, I'm not evolved, so what do I know? Bah. It's a democracy here (or so they say), so here's what others have to say:

Amber at The Fashion Police has an ambiguous review, but their readers have a vigorous debate going on about whether Cuchini a good thing or another way to make women hate themselves.

Lucy Vonne at Sexy Blogtime! thinks the product is a good idea, and notes, "I would enjoy a unicorn printed on mine." Ah, that makes me laugh.

The anonymous blogger at McJawn is my unevolved hero for this commentary:

HAHAHHAHAHA here you go girls, the product of your dreams… You know what else works? WEARING UNDERWEAR/PANTS THAT FIT. Ugh, I wonder how many women actually bought this, shit like this blows my mind. Check out their website: It has the worst graphics and color scheme and their main font is Comic Sans, very professional. The last time I saw someone use Comic Sans was sometime in the 90’s by a 12 year old.

I actually like Comic Sans under the right circumstances, but that little dig made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed in my properly fitting, camel toe-less undies. Fortunately, I am not wearing a C-String, or that would have been really, really messy.

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants, so that tells you almost everything you need to know about her, except that she also wrote a book about unusual things to see and do in New York City, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track.


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