No. It Can't be That Part I

Sadly, we're back from Italy and back to real life. Which for me includes hip surgery, for the 2nd time. Actually, for the 3rd and 4th time since I had both hips operated on about three years ago. They won't do them at the same time so it was two separate go rounds, three months apart.

It turns out I haven't gotten any younger in the intervening years and here I am again. Considering how it all went the first time, I'm living in dread. 

Three years ago, my health care would've been better delivered by Larry, Moe and Curly.

Me: I think it's my hip.

Doc: Hmmm...

Me (pressing down on a spot that is best described as my pelvis, lower inner thigh): I think it's my "inside" hip.

Doc: No, I think it's your ovaries.

Me: No...when I press like this, it feels better, it's my-

Doc (tearing a sheet off his prescription pad): Let's get you an ultrasound.

Two weeks later:

Doc: The ultrasound is clear. That's good news.

Me: Well, I know...I think it's my hip.

Doc (tearing a sheet off his prescription pad): I think we need to do a vaginal ultrasound. Get a better look.

That, my friends, was just as fun as it sounds.

Two weeks later:

Doc: Good news! All clear.

Me: Well, it's because it's my hip.

Doc (skipping the prescription pad thing): CT scan. Just head over to radiology and they'll book it.

Me: Will that show if something's wrong with my hips?

Doc: Hips? 

Two weeks later:

Doc (scratching his chin): Well, I'm really relieved. I was concerned. But, the CT scan is all good. 

Me: Should I have my hips x-rayed?

Doc (looking stern, flipping through my chart): We should consider re-filling that antidepressant...


Doc (sighing, clearly at wits end with my insistence on self-diagnosis): Well, an x-ray won't hurt. 

Two weeks later:

Doc (smug): X-rays are clear. As I thought.

Me (I'm a Taurus, I'm tenacious even when I'm sleeping): It's still my hips. At this point, I was relieved that my tonsils had already been removed when I was 8.

Doc (desperate now to get rid of me): I'm going to refer you to orthopedics.

Hallelujah!  We had an HMO so he had to refer me before I could go elsewhere. The HMO thing is a whole other post...

Two weeks later:

12 year old Doc: X rays look good. Clear. No arthritis.

Me: I know that already.

12 year old Doc: Gotta have an MRI. Head over to radiology-

Me: I know, they'll book it.

Two weeks later:

I'm back with 12 year old Doc, who has yet to ask me to take off my pants. Now, as attached as I am to keeping my pants on in most situations, I thought he might want to actually examine me.

Nope. I guess they skip that in Med school these days.

I schlep in, sit in his tiny chair, and brace myself.

12 year old Doc: It's your hips.


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