- Share This Post
- submit
- 1
-
Sparkle (0)
I was 28 years old when I made the decision to empty my small retirement savings to attend Florida State Graduate Film School. After 10 years of uncertainty and trying this and exploring that, I had found my passion: filmmaking.
Two years later, savings and credit cards completely tapped, I moved across the country to Los Angeles with three months rent paid in advance with a loan from my parents and about 1 month’s worth of living expenses. Friends have called me brave, but I refer to this as “the fine line between brave and stupid. Fortunately, I had a day job in under a month, and I crash-landed in the La La safely. At this point, I had written and directed three student film shorts, including my award-winning short, “Every Little Girl’s Dream. (Thank you, Philafilm!)
I have been here four years, and in that time I have maintained my full-time day-job while writing and directing a Women in Film public service announcement and a new 5-minute film short I’m making for my submission to a reality show called “On the Lot. Also, I was chosen to receive a directing mentor through Women in Film and shadowed him on a television show for three weeks. This was a big deal for me because 1. I really want to direct 1-hour episodic and I learned a lot and 2. Getting three weeks off from my day-job without having to quit was quite a trick and 3. Taking eight unpaid days (after my vacation days ran out) took months to recover from and really illuminated the tenuous nature of my financial situation.
Now, this is not about whether or not to continue to pursue a career as a professional director. On the contrary, I know that I am here for the long haul, no matter how my financial situation limits what I can accomplish each year. I do feel my age (35), however, I honestly believe I have until I’m 55 or 60 to make something happen, barring illness or injury. Directing, storytelling, collaborating, creating, motivating, working, focusing, decision-making, problem-solving, and learning to make the puzzle come together better each time: It is my undeniable passion.
No, this is an essay about sacrifice and risk. In the past year, I have become painfully aware of what I have truly chosen. Because the hard truth is, I may never break in. People like to tell you that hard work will pay off, but I’ve not even knocked on the door. I don’t feel tried and tested; I feel completely stymied. I don’t have the time I need, the money I need, or the connections I need. It might just prove to have been impossible in the end.
I want to advance in my day-job to fund and accelerate my excruciatingly slow progress on my debt, because my debt is absolutely the number one thing holding me back as a director and threatening my long-term well-being. But I fear that I can’t move forward in my day-job because I didn’t get an MBNA or stay on a single, clear career path from a young age. I’m good at market analysis, but I don’t have the training. I’m interested in web design, but I don’t have the training. Meanwhile, I can’t afford to take an entry-level position anywhere for anything, which is frustrating because those are the positions I would most enjoy and which would be most related to what I ultimately want to do.
So I wonder, does it make sense to spend time and energy and money pursuing another career? Yet, I would like a successful career at something, be able to work hard and be rewarded at something. I feel I may be trapped in this struggle, and I may die having never excelled at either endeavor. Sometimes I wonder if everyone’s career feels like this when you’re in your 30s and stuck in the middle of the career ladder.
I want a successful career. I want to support a family. But how can I, when I still struggle with nothing to show? It’s funny; I’ve told many people in my life that waiting to be “set to get married is silly – your spouse is there to walk the road with you. But it’s hard to see how I can hold on
