Glutton for punishment that I am, and with So You Think You Can Dance over and American Idol yet to begin, I set up Celebrity Duets for a Season Pass. I may live to regret it. It's not just that the musical legends are mostly people more often out of the public eye than in it these days (except for the fact that they all seem to be pimping some new album.) It's not just that musical choices are leaning towards country and treacly. It's not just that the judges range from supercilious to unintelligible. It's not just that some of the celebrities are either also not so celebritous of late, or they're not so talented. It's mostly that some of the celebrities actually have a lot of experience singing, and they don't seem to want to acknowledge that. But it's not like it's hard to figure out.

So here, along with what they sang, with whom, and their previous relevant experience are the celebrity contestants:

1. Lucy Lawless, aka Xena the Warrior Princess, currently a cylon on Battlestar Galactica

My, she has become so very blonde. Blonde, statuesque, beautiful, serviceable voice. Yeah, she'll be around for a while.

Song #1 was "Time, Love and Tenderness" with an oddly disinterested Michael Bolton. He was soooo phoning it in. Mostly it was kinda sad to see powerful kick-ass Xena dressed like a beauty pageant contestant. She sang OK (despite a painful closing note) but there wasn't a whole lot of interaction or interest going on there.

Song #2 was "Ooh Baby Baby" with a fossilized Smoky Robinson. Now this time around there was definitely some smoky chemistry going on, no pun intended. Vocally she seemed a little shaky, like Smoky was just pulling her along, and she was hanging on for dear life. But she could definitely get a lot more confident and potentially rock the house.

Previous experience: Lucy Lawless has been on Broadway, playing lead singing role Rizzo in the revival of Grease for about 6 weeks. She's also played in some regional musical theatre per one fan site I found.

2. Alfonso Ribiero (from Silver Spoons and Fresh Prince of Bel Air)

Alfonso is clearly ringer #1. He can sing. He can move. He looks disturbingly older than I would have expected him to, but ah well, don't we all?

Song #1 was "I Know You Were Waiting for Me" with Destiny's Child's Michelle Williams (who is skinny as a rail.) Alfonso has obviously sung professionally and did a good job, even if Michelle did seem a little scary and on her own little planet.

Song #2 was "I'm Gon' Be There" (or whatever the damn title is) with James Ingram. Although Song #1 was fine, this was much better. He and James seemed to relate well, and Alfonso exhibited better energy and performance skills. He also showed a little more range. Nice job.

Previous experience: Alfonso has been on Broadway. Alfonso was the title character in the Gregory Hines musical The Tap Dance Kid, which I actually saw and enjoyed quite a bit. He had to sing and dance up a storm, and he was n the show for nearly two years.

3. Carly Patterson, Olympic Gold Medalist in Gymnastics

Yes, this was perhaps the scariest contestant, because she seemed the least likely to shrug off being bad, and the most likely to cry real tears if they were mean to her. Carly has certainly blossomed since she was a waifish gymnastic diva...my God the cleavage!!

Song #1 was "Somewhere Out There" with James Ingram. She was nervous, pitchy and emotionless. That being said somewhere in there was a sweet little voice.

Song #2 was "I Hope You Dance" with Lee Ann Womack. Much better song for her. Much better vocal. Still no emotion.

Previous experience: She's signed a deal with evil Simpson Svengali, Joe, and is recording an album, as per this news story/radio appearance from earlier this year.

4. Cheech Marin (you know, from Cheech & Chong)

Well, Cheech, hard to believe you're known for a sparkling entertaining personality, given the complete lack of personality on display during the show!

Song #1 was "Baby I Love Your Way" with Peter Frampton. Is it weird that I found Frampton kinda hot? It was a weird and weak duet. 'nuff said.

Song #2 was "Diggin' Up Bones" with Randy Travis. Randy was actually trying to relate to Cheech, to no avail, as he sang in his own little tuneless world. Mediocre at best.

Previous experience: Well according to this, Cheech does a live show where he sing "some of his trade mark satirical songs." Trademark, really?

5. Lea Thompson (Back to the Future, Some Kind of Wonderful, Caroline in the City)

Lea, Lea, Lea: your nerves got the better of you, didn't they? That and bad fashion choices.

Song #1 was "Forever and Ever Amen" with Randy Travis. She was nervous and awkward, but I will give her this: she sang harmony, in tune, throughout. (Well, until the end when her last few notes were really bad.) Travis didn't seem to into this one, though, so it was kinda dead.

Song #2 was "That's Life" with Michael Bolton, and it was a much better outing for Lea. Still let her nerves drive her vibrato a bit out of control, but she had much better (and more comfortable) energy on this one.

Previous experience: Lea Thompson has been on Broadway, where she played Sally Bowles in Cabaret for about 3 months.

6. Jai Rodriguez (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)

Jai is the biggest ringer of them all with multiple and recent Broadway and Off-Broady musical credits. And it shows. Not just in the voice, but in his physical comfort and his ability to actually interpret the song. Even if occasionally overdone, it was miles better than anyone else.

Song #1 was "Since I Fell For You" with Gladys Knight. This was a pretty good performance...lots of relating to on another, interpreting, actually singing a duet.

Song #2 was ""Say My Name" with Michelle Williams. Which cracked me up, truth be told. But it was fun. And at least more modern and non-country, unlike almost every other song.

Previous experience: Jai has been on Broadway, notably in Rent and The Producers and was the lead in the Off-Broadway musical Zanna, Don't!

7. Chris Jericho (Wrestler)

Our pretty boy contender was doomed from the start.

Song #1 was "Mendocino County Line" with Lee Ann Womack, who looked afraid for her life standing next to him. He kept tentatively looking like he wanted to touch her, and she kept delicately leaning away. Awwwwwk-warrrrrd. He was very tentative and mostly off-key.

Song #2 was "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" with Peter Frampton. And it was miles better. Lots of energy and fun. Still not very tuneful, but not painful.

Previous experience: Jericho fronts a rock band called Fozzy, which has toured and cut albums.

8. Hal Sparks (I mostly know him from VH-1 specials, but I guess he was on "Queer as Folk.")

I think they were hoping Hal would be another ringer, but he was really over-the-top and grating. Still if he can dial it back a bit he could be quite good.

Song #1 was "Tracks of My Tears" with Smoky Robinson. Hal actually has a nice vocal quality both in his regular voice and his falsetto. He certainly doesn't know how to transition beteen the two though, so while Smoky was smoothly sliding all over his range, Hal was abruptly switching back and forth.

Song #2 was "Heard It Through the Grapevine" with Gladys Knight. Yes Hal lost his mind on this one. He was just off on his own, not on the beat at all (hence Marie Osmond's crack about him being to white when he sang it.) It was very bad karaoke.

Previous experience: Plenty of theatre, but no musical theatre that I could find.

I thought the three worst were clearly Chris, Carly and Cheech (the three C's.) My choice would have sent Cheech home, but it seemed pretty reasonable to send Chris home too.

As for the judges:

Marie Osmond actually gives practical, easily digested advice. Although you can tell when someone sucked because she'll give advice like "I would have stood on the other side of the guitar." Umm, OK. That wouldn't have fixed general lack of tuneful singing, but whatever.

Little Richard is often unintelligible and sort of disturbing. I mean what was up with his "big toe shooting up in his boot" anyway? Can you say ewwwwwww?

David Foster is predictably supposed to be the hard-ass, but he didn't seem too hard to me. He did occasionally sound like Harvey Fierstein to me though.

Wayne Brady needs to get his head up out of everyone's ass, whether celebrity or musical "legend."

And I agree with some other early assessments that fear the show will neither produce any real musical gems nor be bad enough to mock. No, it will be an epic paean to mediocrity and congratulating effort.

See you next week!