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It is a cold war that has outlasted the Cold War, and it is talked about just as often, although not in the mainstream media in a frank manner. I’m referring to the war that women wage amongst ourselves, constantly judging how other women live their lives. In feminist circles, we draw lines around class, ethnicity, and sexuality. When it comes to families, we are so busy attacking each other’s child rearing tactics that the damage that we inflict on each other is no better than that which occurs from traditional assaults on women’s rights. While perhaps enough ink has been spilled on the breastfeeding “wars,� I do think that it makes a good case in point.
When my friend had her first child three years ago, she was hounded by a breastfeeding mafia because she bottle fed. There were a variety of factors that led to her action, and despite claims to the contrary, she was not a bad or unloving mom who selfishly withheld her breast. This past June, she had her second child, and by now, she refuses to feel guilty or ashamed over her decision. She recently began a blog, Flexible Parenting as a forum for information for all parents, including bottle feeders, and writes humorously, but critically, of the need to support new moms regardless of their lacto status:
A smidge over 3 years ago as the nurse handed over my first child to me to breastfeed for the very first time, I really thought that breastfeeding would work. After all I was the knowledgeable, well informed mom who had gone to the breastfeeding classes when I was pregnant. If I wanted to breastfeed than I would be able to breastfeed.
I had had a breast reduction 6 years prior, but my surgeon had many patients who were able to successfully breastfeed, and even the lactation consultant said it was possible. In fact the woman in the room next to me at the hospital was a fellow veteran of surgery, and after exclusively breastfeeding her first two children, her third had latched right on. I also attended the required breastfeeding class at the hospital when I gave birth and I met with the lactation consultant 4 times including one time at my home. It was a huge shock to me when my 8 day old baby ended up in the ER for dramatic weight loss, and I was devastated when the same lactation consultant told me “some women aren’t meant to breastfeed and you’re one of them�. You know it’s got to be pretty bad when the representative of the forces of breastfeeding tells you to throw in the nursing bra.
I grappled with thoughts like “how could this have happened when my son’s weight was being closely monitored� and “I’m a horrible mother� and did I mention that it was National Breastfeeding Awareness Month? I then realized that while I had learned all this stuff about breastfeeding, I had no idea how to bottle feed a baby.
A. Elliot also provided some interesting statistics about laws regarding breastfeeding in the US. She noted that 32 states allow breastfeeding in public, 15 exempt breastfeeding from public indecency laws (isn’t that nice of them?), and that 10 states provide legal protection for breastfeeding in the workplace (where’s the onsite child care that enables this, though?). Only ten states exempt breastfeeding mothers from jury duty. If people wonder why more American women don’t breastfeed, perhaps the fact that you can be arrested for doing so in public in 18 states is a small part of why. It reflects a pervasive negative attitude that women’s bodies can be nothing but sexual, thus must be hidden at all times. (If breastfeeding advocates sometimes step over the line in their attempt to raise awareness for the benefits of breast milk, it is almost hard to blame them given the environment. Still, it is important to remember that it is no better to try and bully women into breastfeeding than it is to criminalize their ability to do so.)
While many women find that the general public finds it easy to accept breastfeeding newborns in public, others have written about their experience attempting to breastfeed older babies. Erin at Queen of Spain, always an outspoken advocate for breastfeeding, wrote that:
those nursing anything past it’s first tooth are whispered about by waitstaff and given dirty looks.
Now that my daughter is
