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Anyone who's ever been responsible for the care and upkeep of another human being knows that the inherent challenges in doing so can be enough to unhinge even the most grounded of souls. We all have our tips and tricks for coping. For me? It's all about the mantras, baby.
My favorite by far was taught to me in the early, bleary days of new motherhood by a more experienced parent: This too shall pass.
No matter what it is, in those bewildering why-won't-she-stop-crying, what-is-that-rash times, "this too shall pass" is usually accurate. And immensely comforting. Considering a life unfolding ahead of me where I never again sleep more than twenty minutes at a time? Devastating. Considering that I've never heard of a teenager still waking up and shrieking for several hours a night, every night? A huge relief, and a guarantee that if I can just hang on a little bit longer, we'll make it through this.
As my kids grow bigger, so do the challenges in raising them. And while I still employ the "this too shall pass" mantra, it's becoming clear that 1) some of these things actually won't pass, thankyouverymuch, and 2) some of the things that pass merely make way for even scarier issues.
And so I moved on to Mother Teresa, because that just seemed like good sense: I know God won't give me anything I can't handle; I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
With that, I now have a general feeling of capability---at least in the back of my mind---as I face larger challenges and wonder if I'm really up to the tasks at hand. It helps that I happen to believe in a benevolent and wise God, of course, but the ol' "this wouldn't be happening unless I can handle it" thing has gotten me through many a dark parenting moment.
Now, via Karen at Chookooloonks, I've discovered Francine at Callaloo Soup has an even better, pithier mantra (emphasis is mine):
What is for you can't un-for you. That is, what is meant to be yours will be yours. A close Jamaican friend of mine when I was at University used to tell us this all the time (she was older and wiser.) Usually when we were suffering from broken hearts.
This phrase touched me immediately. Not only can I identify with it as a mother---I have long (perhaps selfishly) considered my challenges with my kids to be lessons I need to learn as much as growth stages for them---but it has taken some of the vicarious sting out of watching my children struggle.
My son is going through a really difficult patch right now, and my heart aches for him. But Francine's friend's words soothe me, somehow. What is for him can't un-for him. These roadblocks are his to navigate, and all part of the path he's meant to be on. This won't somehow alter the cosmic math of his life and subtract from the happiness I hope he's meant to have. This is just... his, right now. And when the time comes, the other stuff---the better stuff---meant to be will be his as well.
Thanks, Francine. My arsenal of mantras feels more complete, now.
Mir
[image courtesy of Centre for Symbolic Modeling]
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
