, and your partner doing one load of laundry a month and being praised like a god just for showing up for one wedding meeting or one playdate probably doesn't seem like equality.

My Husband does laundry. My Husband cooks. My Husband runs the vacuum (in fact, he always runs the vacuum; I do not). He dusts. He makes the bed. He tidies up messes made by the three of us. He takes out the garbage. And this is not to say he does all the work; minus the vacuum, I participate in these family chores as well. Though, to be honest, I mostly clean up the bathroom. Which is fine. I like bathrooms. Especially now that ours is a beautiful blue.

As for our wedding, we took equal steps in planning. Yes, I picked the color and my dress but he picked his tuxedo and his groomsmens'. He made a list of places that he thought the reception would be good at and we investigated them together. (I wasn't originally from the area so I had no clue.) He went about securing the caterer, DJ and alcohol/bartender while I did some decorating aspects with my Grandmother. It was truly our day; not mine nor his.

I don't view my ring as antiquated. I view it as the beginning of an equal partnership. Oh, and he wore a silver ring during our engagement.

Feminism can still be alive in today's marriages. You just have to find someone who isn't afraid to be caught making dinner or allow his wife to take out the trash. We have no set jobs. What needs to be done gets done by someone. Which is why I was drilling holes in the bathroom wall at 11:30 last night. Had to put the towel rods back up after my Husband painted. Without whining or complaining. Did I tell him good job? Yes. Did I pick up the drill to help with the finished product? Hell yes.

Give and take. give and take.

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog
The Chronicles of MunchkinLand - My adoption blog.
Jenna

I'm with Jenna. My husband and I share cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and taking out the trash. We are equals, but I love my ring. It isn't a huge or flawless, but I love it. I don't feel like I've given up anything. I have only gained a new extended family.

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Draft Day Suit

... and agreeing with commenters. I actually have a problem with the "diamondness" of the whole thing -- which is why mine is a moonstone, in a silver setting. Also, my husband wore a silver ring during our engagement -- and still does with his wedding band (he has two silver rings).

I liked sort of telling the world I'm spoken for, and my husband enjoyed doing the same. No inequality here.

K.
Chookooloonks

My ring was a gift. It symbolized a promise of eternity. Nothing more, nothing less.

Tradition is what we make of it. We did the ring tradition, but we don't do Valentine's Day.

I think you are stretching, to say the least, to try and connect the ring or name change to any sort of feminist cause. It's all personal choice. I like diamonds. And will accept them from my husband AND be a good feminist.

I think maybe you need to take a look at some good, equal, real marriages and see that tradition can be beautiful and progressive. Not soul sucking. I am MORE me. I am MORE everything because I found the right partner.

I gave up nothing.

And I sure as hell am not giving up my ring.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

my husband and i both wore matching silver bands during our engagement. when it came time to purchase my wedding set i choose a ring with his birthstone in it. this was a second marriage for me and i wanted something different than a diamond. been there, done that! btw, my husband is the one who does most of the housework and cooking in our family. he jokes around and says that i don't have the 'cleaning' gene. lol! but i do appreciate him and realize that i am a very lucky woman.

Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View

I'm also quite surprised by this post. For someone who states that ceremonies and traditions are a good thing, what's the big problem with engagement rings?

I'm not engaged yet, but my boyfriend and I have talked about it a lot, and when we get engaged, I will obviously get an engagement ring and he will get an "engagement gift" from me. That seems pretty equal to me.

You seem to view engagement rings as a symbol or reminder of your unfair, burdened role in a relationship, and as a required announcement to the world that you're taken. If you choose to view it that way, then you are probably right that we need to let them go, but I don't believe most women view them that way. I see the ring as a promise and commitment. It IS an announcement to the world that I'm taken, but I love my boyfriend and want everyone to know that I'm committed to him (that whole "shout it from the rooftops" thing). He shares in the housework equally with me and that won't change once we marry (even if his expectations of me change, I will not be doing two people's work and he understands that).

The funny thing I've noticed about feminism is that it worked so hard to get equal rights for women that feminists now get extremely disgruntled if I choose not to take advantage of the opportunities that used not to be available to me. And why? Isn't the point of feminism to ensure that women are not forced by society into a lifestyle they don't want? I am so grateful for the fact that feminists have fought for me in the past so that I might enjoy the same privileges, opportunities, and choices as men. I am not forced to stay home and do traditional "women's work" such as cooking, cleaning, and childminding. But I happen to be very traditional by nature, and that includes an appreciation for the engagement ring and the tradition of the man proposing marriage. I think it's very symbolic and beautiful, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

... that what you were saying, Liz, was that it's a vestige of a more unequal time, and something people do because it's expected, rather than because it symbolizes what marriage is about.

And I couldn't agree more.

In the comments on a recent blog post of mine, my boyfriend mentioned me not wanting an engagement ring, and multiple commenters leapt in to say "Yes she does!" No, I don't.

I think it's great that some women have something that's meaningful to them in their engagement rings. I'm not knocking anybody. But I don't need one. And I do think what it says---whether we realize it or not---is something we need to stop and consider.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

My husband gave me a ring to signify our engagement -- it was simple, lovely, and not a diamond. He received my grandmother's wedding band for his wedding ring (it fit him perfectly). Then, when my mother could no longer wear her wedding set because of arthritis, she gave it me. I now wear her diamond engagement ring, my very thin gold wedding band, and my simple 25th anniversary ring all on my "wedding finger".

I think we should do what feels right to us as individuals to show our commitments and honor our relationships, whether it's matching diamonds, silver rings, or no rings at all.

For me, that includes keeping my name, cleaning the bathroom, balancing the checkbook, and earning most of the money. For my husband, it means doing the laundry, fixing dinner, mowing the lawn, and vacuuming.

The Blog: Red Nose
The Book: Girl Clown

And so yes, there are husbands that clean and take care of their children. If that's how your relationship works, and it works for you, that's great. If your relationship is more traditional and that works for you, that's great.

But I continue to feel that beginning a relationship with the man giving the woman an expensive ring is tipping the scales. Yes, equality doesn't mean we are all exactly alike. But why is my status announced during an engagement while his isn't? And why does my name change while his doesn't? And why is the entire bridal industry focused on the bride? And why are all the parenting magazines focused towards women?

And why are men held up as gods for a minimum of work and participation? Again, not saying your man, but take a man to a bridal meeting and watch him be fawned over. Ask him what people say when he takes the kids. A friend of mine's husband moved with her for her job and every single woman at his work that he was leaving was on and on and on about what an amazing man he was to move for his wife. These things are still how it is much of the time.

Is the engagement ring the beginning of the double shift? I think it is for many women. I think if you aren't one of them, you are fortunate by far. When my ex-fiance and I went to bridal shows, he was one of ten men there.

Women have come a long, long way. And yes, often our honest and personal choices are in line with traditional roles. If that's your honest truth, I can respect that.

But no engagement ring for me. I want to find a new way which honors us both as a couple and a lifelong team. In your individual situation, I believe your ring may work for you and your relationship. But overall, I honestly feel we'd be better off without them - financially, in our hearts, in our minds, in our world.

Lizzie aka grnidlady, I *love* your matching silver rings!

Thanks very much, everyone, for your comments. Keep 'em coming; it's a good discussion, I think.

Liz Rizzo

Everyday Goddess

SexySmart Blog

You state in your comments that only women have come a long way. What about the men? They weren't invited into birthing rooms in the past, and now they are. The men you are speaking of, that do nothing and want to be rewarded for it, don't seem to dwell around these parts. Perhaps I surround myself with respectful males. I don't know.

And for the record, I didn't start a relationship with my Husband thinking I'd get a big ole rock in the process. I started dating him because he had a genteel manner about him. And he still does. Even with a ring on his finger.

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog
The Chronicles of MunchkinLand - My adoption blog.
Jenna

When we were in graduate school, my husband proposed; he gave me a "sapphire" and "diamond" ring from Service Merchandise (remember them?). We bought a beautiful silver and turquoise band for him later. Both rings together cost under $200.00, which was a LOT of money for us.

At the same time, two of my girlfriends got engaged, and were both given traditional diamond solitaires. One friend admitted that her husband had paid for the ring with his credit card and was carrying the balance, indefinitely; the other friend proudly told us the details of the financing on her ring.

Last year, David's bridal started a program where brides could finance their dresses. Wear it now, pay for it forever!

I think Liz is getting at something really important here, and it isn't a criticism of those of us with rings we love and husbands who pull their own weight. There IS a larger cultural expectation of women in the wedding industry; the wedding is still seen as The Goal for women in Western culture. DeBeers markets the diamond engagement ring as a Family Heirloom--but an heirloom isn't something you buy new, it's something that has history and meaning. THAT is what a marriage should be about.

The ability to finance a wedding--to finance a ring or a DRESS, for heaven's sake--says something about the way we as a culture (not we as individual women reading Liz's blog post) think about marriage. We are taught that we are entitled to the big ring and the big dress and the big wedding, even if we can't afford it. We are not asked to stop and think about who will take out the trash or start the laundry or visit elderly parents in the nursing home every day, or about what will happen when someone loses a job or there is a death in the family or a child gets into trouble at school. We are encouraged to imagine only the wedding, and to picture ourselves in THE ring and THE dress.

And then we are told that it is okay to start our married lives in debt and unprepared for the actual marriage.

Liz, I find some of your questions perplexing, because I think we've come further in terms of equality than you give women credit for, and you're using your questions as reasons why we should be giving up a lovely tradition. For example, the bridal industry is targeted towards brides and not grooms because that's where the money is. Just like most electronic gadgets are geared towards men because men are more likely to buy them than women. That's just marketing, it doesn't represent an inequality between men and women; it represents sound business strategy. Same deal for parenting magazines. As for why your name changes when your partner's doesn't, well, you just finished saying that you won't be changing your name because that doesn't work for you. We have that choice now, so I'm failing to see the problem!

I understand your position and certainly respect your decision that an engagement ring and a name change doesn't work for you when it comes to marriage. Where I disagree with you is that while you say it's great that rings and name changes work for others, you also say that we would ALL be better off without engagement rings. You're making a bold statement on behalf of all of us and I am respectfully stating that you are not representing me or any woman who dreams of a romantic proposal, a beautiful ring or a traditional marriage. We should each make choices that work for us individually, because the option to choose is now available.

Liz,

I think I understand what you are saying, but I still disagree. I don't think women are expected to take their husbands last names anymore. Most of my friends didn't. I did, because I wanted to, but it was my choice. We actually discussed changing our last name together to something completely different.(we even talked to QofS and The Kaiser about changing all four of our names to the same one).

My point is that WE have the power. WE have the choice. Nobody has to have an engagement ring, but I wanted one. I love mine. I love that it means he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I with him. Reading other peoples comments, I do wish I had gotten him an engagement ring too, but we do both wear wedding bands.

At least we don't have dowrys (dowries?) anymore. Nobody is paying men to take us off of their hands.

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Draft Day Suit

of feeling GUILTY for being a girl.

I like rings. I like diamonds. I like weddings. I like dresses. I like having children. I like motehrhood. I like being a stay at home mom. I am NOT going to feel guilty for wanting and loving my ring. That's just SILLY.

I kept my name and took his. He would have happily taken mine. He also would have happily taken an engagement ring had I wanted to make that statement.
How is it holding anyone back from anything? The precieved notion that someone owns me? That's silly. How about the idea that I GOT and took what I wanted? That's powerful, isn't it? That I saw what I wanted in life and claimed it? Or is that too man like?

I'm really confused here.
And why does everyone keep sucking the fun out of romance? Is it because love is holding the women's movement back? Ick. I don't buy it. I'm my own woman. I am in an equal partnership. I have my own symbols and traditions.

No one really in it for the long haul needs a ring. But for those of us who like tokens of affection that come in small boxes, it's nice. Romantic. Even empowering.

Wow. Who knew a post about engagement rings could get me so crazy? Huh. Don't mess with my bling.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

Queen of Spain, amen to THAT!!!

Liz, here's my answer. When you ask why wedding money is still with the brides, I assume you mean why is more money put into marketing weddings to brides rather than grooms. It's simply because we, as women making choices about how to spend our money, are CHOOSING to buy what they're offering us. Men aren't (at least not in large numbers), so sellers don't market to a small or non-existent customer base. This has nothing to do with equal rights but rather our interests. Regardless of our rights, men and women are still going to be drawn to different hobbies and interests. It's not a comment on the state of feminist progress that marketers operate this way, they are simply looking for a return on investment. So you can't blame them! If that upsets you, then hey, maybe there's a good business niche that you could capitalize on by focusing on men, or marketing electronics to women :)

Especially for the type of people and days of the man spending a fortune (is it three months salary debeers says??)on a ring picked out by a woman acting like she has noooo clue about budgets and finances and then leaping into a wedding ceremony that cost them the equivalent of a downpayment on a house......that mentality does NOT jive with equality or modern feminism.

We can't have our $1500 cake and eat it too!

However, I think more and more people are doing their own version of the engagement and wedding bands......spending less and focusing more on the symbolism.

My husband loves buying me jewellery..but I have simple tastes and so it is gifts based on my style and not the extravagant cost.

I think the traditions are changing and evolving ...it is fighting years of media and marketing and culture though...so the change is as slow as ourselves and our own attiudes towards love and marriage and bling bling.

Visit me at Crunchy Carpets

Funny, we religious Jewish types are thought to be so conservative, yet the religion's quite progressive. (let's not start, okay, please. .)

But anyway. The RING is considered marital property of the woman's that she owned prior to marriage. So when the property is divided up after divorce she keeps the ring, hands down.

(We believe, btw, that G-d made the solution, divorce, before the problem, marriage)

Sentiment's not in the picture. The rock is good for what it's worth to a buyer.

Happy New Year, all.

Linda

Lessons from a Family Therapist

Judging by several comments and my own experiences, it seems like there's a certain sort of couple -- not woman, but couple -- who are reclaiming the engagement ring for its original purpose. Not status symbol a la Harry loves Muffy, but sweet symbol of promise. My fiance and I both wear rings. We got engaged, then went out together to buy rings we liked (no, they don't match! We're not quite that cute!). And the traditional demonstrate-my-taken-status meaning has its uses, when he's wearing one too.

Seems like the real issue is with the notion of the woman's engagement ring. I'm glad to see lots of us getting couples' engagement rings instead. After all, it takes two to be engaged.

And for the record, I can't WAIT to change my name -- because my parents saddled me with a hyphenated last name that has plagued me with length and spelling issues my entire life! ;) I'm not subservient -- I just want my name to finally fit on forms!

Jamaila

Ancestral Pile

Liz, if you were within reach, I'd give you a huge hug - I love this brave piece and everyone's civil disagreements. It is such a relief to read a passionate paen to what engagement rings do/don't/should/shouldn't mean to the women who do/don't wear, share and give them away -- rather than the relentless parade of pseudo-threatening messaging presented to men about men and women about engagement rings. If you want to see women portrayed as scavenging vultures and men as troglodytes, go to those ads.

Just a couple of things you've made me think about:

- Anyone who has ever stereotyped BlogHer as a site for one kind of woman/women's opinions rather than a site that embraces great ideological diversity among its thousands of members should know that I am sitting at my desk in an empty house and shouting "HA! See?" The dogs wonder what the hell is going on.

- If you bling, you might want to know where your diamonds are from. I first learned about the South African diamond mines as a reporter, and then snorted Mother's Day chocolate out of my nose in 2003 when I opened my other gift, Bill Maher's "When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden". Don't have time to get the book? Then go read Anil Dash's piece, "diamonds are for never". He is anti-ring; one of his commenters, a jeweller, disagrees and provides links. And as you'll see, Dash hit a nerve too.

- Depending upon the electronic gadget, men are not necessarily more likely to buy it than are women. The year 2004 is the first year documented when women spent more on tech toys than men, although the Pew Center says men's appetites for technology information online continue to outstrip women's. Women may ultimately spend more because women determine 83 percent of household spending in all categories, including electronics, computers and automobiles. If he drives it back to our shared home, we probably had a say in color, make, year, and manufacturer.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

I need to ask, had the relationship not floundered, would this posting ever have come to exist? Had Liz been successful in the "happily everafter" mode, would she have had a cynical view about engagement rings? Probably not. There are many successful, independent, finacially well-off, intelligent women out there that still hold on to that hidden dream scenerio of engagement rings and all that they entail. I am rapidly approaching "50", once divorced and once widowed. I still have hope for love, engagement, and marriage - not to make me whole but to comnpliment the person that I am.

I think this is great! When I became engaged, my husband really wanted to give me a ring, so I got a very tiny one , which wound up being a copy of a $50 ring from Service Merchandise my grandparents got me when I turned 16. (The salespeople kept trying to talk him into something bigger, and although I was sitting right there insisting that I did not want something bigger, they looked right past me. Most aggravating.) I immediately felt guilty that I got something and my husband didn't, so I offered to buy him an engagement token. Unfortunately, he requested "an engagement sceptor" (I wish I was making this up), so it took me quite some time to find him a gift. (Last summer, a mere six years after our wedding, I found a toy one in Israel for about $3, which pleased him immensely.) OK, now I am rambling.

My point is that I am totally with you on this. Thanks for stepping out on a limb and writing about it.

Suzanne, BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

"But I continue to feel that beginning a relationship with the man giving the woman an expensive ring is tipping the scales."

Maybe this is picky of me, but relationships don't "begin" with engagement - they begin when people first meet. They continue through dating and (for some folks) culminate in the engagement and marriage. And if, by the middle of your relationship, a ring is tipping the scales and the balance of power in your relationship then I'd say your relationship was on shaky ground to begin with (I mean, come ON ladies, we're not talking Frodo's "One Ring" here).

Liz, how many brides have you heard say on their wedding days, "I can't wait to be married. I mean, sure, I'm sacrificing my freedom and equality. And yeah he isn't willing to do any chores around the house and expects me to praise him like a god for making the least little effort. And sure he expects me to pull double duty now that we're going to be married, but HEY at least I've got this great RING as compensation!"

Most women who are about to get married are doing so because they feel they've found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, can we say that is a truism? Presumably they like these men and feel they're good people (one would hope).

So, I'm just trying to picture a women who would fit into your hypothetical situation - who would feel that giving up a ring would be yet another sacrifice to equality and freedom. Because the relationship you describe in your entry (the laundry once a month, the having to treat him like a god) isn't one built around either equality or freedom to begin with. It sounds like hell actually, and who puts on a white dress, a little bling, and knowingly walks into hell? Who is the woman who would be willing to put up with that kind of substandard relationship and thinks that a ring would be adequate compensation? And if she were willing to put up with that relationship, how would giving up the engagement ring help her?

I've never been married or engaged, I never spent any time in my childhood or adulthood planning/dreaming about my perfect wedding, looking at rings, or any of that. So maybe I'm missing the point. But a ring can be a symbol of a good relationship just as easily as it can be a symbol of a bad relationship. But the ring is not the relationship itself and it only has the meaning we confer on it. Otherwise it's just a bit of metal and mineral.

Sorry if I've come off sounding like a troll, particularly since I'm a fan of your work. But I just don't get it.

-CL

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger]

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN]

Liz is describing, either. I mean, I really can't. I don't think I've EVER met her, anywhere, in any generation.

I never "dreamed of my wedding day" as a girl. Never. I never once went to a "bridal show" (seriously? do people still do that?). I have never shopped for rings of any kind, except for my husband's wedding ring, and that was easy enough to do almost entirely over the phone to the jeweler. I actually never thought, for most of my life, that I'd get married, and had made plans to adopt as a single woman. Imagine my surprise when, in my 30's, I met, fell in love with, and married this...this man! Like Erin, I kept my own name, and also added his. Big deal. I don't understand why any of this is "having your cake and eating it too." What have I lost, exactly, in this "transaction?"

My engagement ring (the second one, as the first was made of stone and cost less than a dollar, bought on the spur of the moment in the French Market in New Orleans, right before I went into the hospital for lifesaving surgery, for which Alex had come along to support me) has been incorporated right into my wedding band, so that it is no longer a separate entity, I love it so much. I had nothing to do with its selection or purchase (I've heard plenty of stories about women shopping for their OWN engagement rings, which I do think is odd); he saved up until he could get the exact one he wanted (and it was not a bank-breaker), he had it custom-designed, and when I saw it for the first time, I was AMAZED. It was, and is, a piece of jewelry I might well have designed for MYSELF, that's how perfect it is for me--and that's why I treasure it. Because our tastes? They do not agree. In anything--we even argue over which dogs are the best show prospects when we have to choose a puppy. For him to have chosen the ring *I* would love, instead of the one *he* preferred, spoke volumes to me.

And honestly? I WISH I could have kept my husband (who is a BlogHer member, also) out of the wedding preparations. He was into EVERY selection process, except for my dress, thank heavens, and he made more of the decisions than I did, including China patterns for our registry. No one went into debt for anything, and it was a beautiful, meaningful, spiritual day, one that I hope echoes on for the rest of our lives, for however much or little time we might have on this earth together.

Would I be just as happy with modest matching bands, or no rings at all? Well, yeah...because the point is, I have the PARTNER, and that's pretty much what I wanted out of the "deal," you know? Is there honestly anyone out there who truly believes it's about the RING?

I also echo Erin's sentiments in that I am really, REALLY tired of DEFENDING every little choice I make as a woman...especially to other women, from what I wear, to whether/how I work, to whether/how I parent, to my appearance, to the vocabulary I use, to whether/how I marry, to what name I use, to what I blog about, and now even to what gifts of jewelry I will or will not accept from the partner in life, the man I love? That's just pure hogswallop. Who can live like that?

You know what kind of woman I want to be? I want to be like my mother, who recently was tragically widowed from the one and only love of her life, but is soldiering on bravely alone now, running a company she's owned for nearly 20 years, and which she has taken to the top of the industry in her area (a particularly amazing feat when you consider that hers is the ONLY female-owned and operated business of its type in its territory), being a pillar of her community and such a loving, nurturing, purely AMAZING person of strength and compassion that the best I can hope for is to live up to half the example she's set for me.

My father absolutely treasured her above all others, literally until the day he died, and he respected her and held her in a place of honor in his heart. He gave my sister and I the ideal model of manhood, which I think is one reason I was never that interested in marriage--what were my odds of finding one like him?

My mother didn't have what you're referring to as an "engagement ring" until she'd already been married for many years--they needed their money for other things, and it wasn't a priority. And she was fine with that. Later, when they were financially comfortable, HE gave her a gift of LOVE that came from his own loving heart. She knew, and knows, EXACTLY what that gift meant, and I don't think she'd give much of a rip one way or another what "feminism" thinks of that ring, which is now a dear reminder to her of the greatest love you could imagine between a man and a woman.

SO, I doubt that I'll be suggesting to my mother anytime soon that the ring she still wears, and most likely always will, is a symbol of her having "sold out," and that she should take it off immediately or risk being viewed as having "failed feminism." PLEASE. Give me a break.

Liz, I think that your post might have been more effective and definitely more honest if you'd not spoken for all women, especially in your closing line. How about, "*I* have to let the engagement ring go," if you feel, as you obviously do, that it somehow cheapens your relationship and your self-respect and your womanhood? I think that would have gotten your point across quite nicely, and all these other lovely women would not feel the need to defend their own choices. When you speak for *yourself*, you open a dialogue and get people thinking, in an open-minded way. When you speak for an entire *group*, and in the process TELL THEM HOW THEY SHOULD FEEL, then you just put up folks' defenses and close the lines of communication.

Just my very-much-less-than-two-cents. But yeah, I won't be prying my wedding ring apart simply because it incorporates my engagement ring as well. Thank you anyway. And if some narrow-minded people are going to cast aspersions on me for having and wearing it, well...I probably don't like awake nights wondering what those people think of me anyway, do I?

Whew, there's a lot here, and I know I won't hit it all.

As to the question of whether I would feel this way had the relationship I opened with not floundered: 100% YES YES YES. I think that's the easy question to ask.

First of all, like most break-ups there were way too many issues than could even be covered in one blog post, and the ring wasn't even 1% of it. Second of all, the engagement confirmed my underlying feelings about the ring. Man, I *so* didn't want it to, but it did.

And one thing that definitely freaked me out was that the equality that I'd lived with and made a goal for years with this man suddenly seemed to be something I was expected to "grow out of." By him, by society, and certainly by the wedding industry. Yes, in the middle of the relationship, true, but also at what is the start of the marriage. From the minute I accepted that ring, I had duties and expectations, and it was different for him. Perhaps a function of my social circle, my geographical location, or even of my man, but there it is. Yes, for me, the traditional meanings of the ring, the history of the ring, the inequity of the ring, cannot be brushed aside. I couldn't reconcile it, and I can't reconcile it.

Here's something else. I am speaking to a wider audience; I have moved, in this post, out of speaking just for me and for myself to say, in a larger sense, yes, I think ultimately, the engagement ring has to go. I hope for a world where the double standards are GONE, and I think moving away from the one-sided engagement ring tradition and towards something that is shared equality by the couple and which declares the status of either both or neither would be a healthy, positive move for both men and women and relationships. So yes, I consciously chose to speak widely and not just about myself.

That said, is feminism really asking anyone to give up anything they honestly and truly believe in and that works for them? Maybe it is, I honestly don't know, but that doesn't make any sense to me. When you say, I'm sick of feminism asking me to not be this and give up this, I honestly wonder, who's doing that? (Again, it's not like I studied feminism in college, so I can't speak for it, I guess.) From me though: Question, disagree, it's great, it's what it's all about.

If I as a feminist am saying I think the engagement ring has to go - and I do - what I am saying is, here's what I perceive, here's what I see, here's what I feel - what about you? If you can look that ring in the bling and know it's a good thing for you and your relationship, then that's your truth. Own it.

But perhaps also be glad someone's still asking the questions. There's power in questions and discussion.

And on a smaller point, I did also try to say that just because something has many wonderful things about it - like an engagement ring or church service (in my personal example) - it doesn't mean it is a good thing in the whole of it. Sometimes other stuff is bigger and more important and requires the sacrifice of truly good stuff that goes along with the flawed bit. So that's what I was getting at when I said "sacrifice."

Liz Rizzo

Everyday Goddess

SexySmart Blog