The Engagement Ring: It's Time to Let Go.

I found this really great site that will send you these incredible looking replica rings to try on for free before you decide to purchase your real diamond ring. The silver cz rings look just like the real deal and it made me really comfortable to order my engagement ring from them once I got a chance to try on the replica. Just the thought of putting 3 diamond rings on my credit card was enough to convince me that this is the best way to go if I wanted to save big bucks by shopping online. I actually thought they had a pretty good selection compared to my local jeweler. I'm not going to even talk about price. You can't compare the two. The best part of this whole thing was that the shipping was also free. They even sent along a plastic ring sizer to get my finger size. Why would I want to print some kind of paper ruler online to take chances with my size, if I could get it right the first time.
If anyone out there is considering this, you gotta do it!

Sorry for the conversational drift everyone, but I just had to comment. Welcome litcritter! Am I right - is it a chef's hat?

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )

Liz-

I wear a 2 carat diamond engagement ring. I did not ask for it, and I did not expect it. My fiance (actually my husband, we got married in a civil ceremony last week) took it up himself to choose and buy for me.

I sometimes have mixed feelings about wearing such a big, shiny symbol of my traditional commitment. I feel materialistic, greedy, spoiled. I hide my fingers at night when walking through the city. In my social work classes I feel very self-conscious.

But you know what- this was my husband's choice for me as an expression not only of his love, but of his pride that I agreed to be his wife. I take that very seriously, I honor it, and I love my ring.

I googled "I don't want an engagement ring," to find out whether or not I was the only one. Yours is the second entry, here's the first ( http://www.pricescope.com/diamonds/x27409.htm ). More supporters there, but a great discussion here.

I agree with Liz that words and "things" and symbols are extremely powerful and need to be analyzed, examined and questioned. Approaching this marriage thing is huge, and I am gobbling up all the information I can get my hands on; I just want to make good personal decisions for myself rather than getting swept up in the industry of it all.

What happened with me was, we hired a family friend who is also a jewelry designer ( http://www.silversauce.com ) to make a ring out of my deceased father's wedding band to my mom and my mom's original engagement ring from dad (by the way, she kept the diamond and had a new ring designed to incorporate diamonds from two other engagement rings!). The center stone is rose quartz, which symbolizes unconditional love. The problem is, I love this ring so much that I feel like I don't need a wedding band too.

I think I'll go ahead and wear it as an engagement ring, then take it off and let him give it to me again during the wedding ceremony. I think people oughta just do what's right in their hearts and minds, what feels good to the soul. Thanks, Liz, for reminding us to do that.

P.S. I love electronics =)

At the age of 22, I couldn't wait for the day that I could show off a sparkling diamond on my left hand.

Seventeen years later, the marriage is still good and the ring still sparkles. But because life is so short-- I'm contemplating selling the diamond for a jet ski...

In my heart, what matters most is the strength of the marriage, not the steel of the ring.

Karen
"Life is too short to pout all the time."
A Deaf Mom Shares Her World ( http://www.putzworld.blogspot.com )

I didn't give my wife a ring when I proposed. Couldn't really say why, but it seemed like the right thing not to do. As it turned out, she had her grandmother's ring she wanted to wear, which was good, as I'm not a big fan of diamonds or gold, for all the reasons laid out so far. So I didn't give her a ring, but she did wear one, as did I.

The only person who gave us a hard time about it was her mother. Huh.

Personally, I think it's more about the relationship than the ring. If the relationship's not right, the ring may chafe. And there are always those who are so fixated on the ring that they pay no attention to the relationship at all.

To each their own, of course. But like Liz, I have no interest in diamonds. I think Anil Dash summed it up very well in his infamous post a couple of years ago, Diamonds are for never ( http://www.dashes.com/anil/2003/01/20/diamonds_are... ).

I personally prefer to take exception to certain cultural norms and forego jewels and big weddings. Both the jewelry and wedding industries are guilty of perpetuating various out-moded misogynistic stereotypes. While I'm sure there are plenty of diamond-bearing women/couples who are exceptions to those stereotypes, I don't feel inclined to feed the corporate frenzy.

For purely pragmatic reasons, I think spending wads of cash on jewelry (of any sort, frankly), gowns, and ceremonies is rather foolish. Of course, I come from a working class family in which every penny counts. But I'd much rather spend that wad of cash on a down payment on a house, thank you very much!

I kept my last name, had a tiny wedding ceremony with 2 witnesses, and my husband and I each wear only a silver wedding band. If that makes me freakish, well then, long live freaks:)

For me having an engagement ring just seemed silly. My husband didn't get down on one knee and propose to me. We talked about getting married and then told everyone, "Hey we are getting married!" Over and over again I was asked where is the ring and how did he propose? But why is it his choice? Me sitting there waiting for him to ask me? We talked about a ring, but it seemed so silly when what we really wanted was a down payment for a house. When it was my birthday that year together we picked out a little band that I wore on my engagement finger and soon after my Mom threw us a little engagement party so the families could meet. Today(7 years later) we have our own home and are not in debt (other than our affordable morgage)
If you are not married yet, think about it...is that ring really worth it? Tastes and times change, you probably won't love it the same 5 years from now as you do today. Invest the money in your future....

I don't know that I agree with every word you're saying, but I certainly like you for saying it and thinking about it in the first place.

We have yet to get married for a number of reasons. When we do, I will end up paying for the ring, since I'm the one with the dough and he's the SAH parent. But I think I still want one--one that he picks out as a way of saying, "I love you so much that I went and got you this very pretty thing that you wanted."

I agree that the tradional reason for the ring is antiquated. But then, so are the traditional reasons for marriage (and thus monogamy) which were all about familial alliances and raising one's status and so forth.

The way I see it, if it makes you happy and doesn't signify a man's ownership of you according to the rules of your own relationship then go for it.

Also? Why bridal guides cater to women? Men don't give a shit, that's why. Except in Massachussets, Vermont and Hawaii. And briefly, New Paltz, NY.

i'm sorry... the responses are so long that i can't get through them all here at work.

but, the history of the engagement ring makes me against wedding rings - a woman was supposed to use the ring to sell and live off of that money when her husband passed away. which is nice and all, but continues to suggest that women are not independent and cannot support themselves.

about me - i'm a single engagement-ring-less mom. the only thing that i would ever say that is positive about an engagement ring is that it suggests that a man is financially ready to help support others - his partner, his family, whoeever. my ex couldn't afford an engagement ring. we made each other hemp bracelets. right now, he can barely afford child support. it sort of sucks, and it makes me think that he wasn't ready to get married in the first place.

oh, this 'opens a can of worms' for me as one of my sons is engaged...liz said, "I stand by my belief that in the long run and in the big picture, women would be better off not starting a marriage with a financially and emotionally lopsided tradition." i can't tell you how much stress my son and future d-i-l feel over planning their wedding and the cost involved. they feel very pressured into how many to invite and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings...to not wanting to spend too much money. they love each other deeply and are very commited but the stress of planning a wedding is something that i don't think they imagined when they first got engaged.

Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View ( http://grnidlady.efx2.com )

Liz, all of my friends were amazed by the fact that my husband to be and i were both wearing 'engagement' rings. to me it was really something special and i was proud that not only was i wearing his ring, he was wearing mine. it was a visible statement of our commitment to each other. it worked for us, but i also understand and believe in 'to each his own'.
Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View ( http://grnidlady.efx2.com )

:) Good, thought-provoking conversation.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

I know that often a small ring of some type was given to the lady as a bit of a promissory pledge. It was proof that the male could provide for her, would purchase the dowry (if that was tradition).

Myself. I do NOT have an engagement ring. Never really wanted one, needed my car replaced the same time we got married, so we bought a car together as our sign of "betrothal". We purchased $25 gold bands from Service Merchandise (why do so many of us here remember getting our rings there?).

I quit wearing my band about 2 years after I married; I always took it off during gardening/canning season and just didn't put it back on. The spouser removed his when I fed him too well for it to fit anymore. (besides, working in a lab means the ring was a safety issue).

Now neither of us wears any rings. We're probably more married now then we were when we did rings, though.

Debra
A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com )
Deb's Daily Distractions ( http://debsdistractions.blogspot.com )

When I was engaged, I did get a ring. I happen to love my ring. I wanted a very small one for a variety of reasons. And here's where the societal expectations (probably a symptom of class and living in NYC) slapped me in the face. I was constantly judged - as was Husband - for having a small ring. People wanted to know what was wrong with him that he didn't buy me a bigger one. They assumed it meant that he didn't really love me. On the flip side, I never "showed it off" after I got it because I didn't think it was a big deal. Someone actually once pulled me aside and advised me to call off the wedding because she could tell that I didn't really want to marry Husband. Her evidence? I didn't basically stick my ring in people's faces the second I saw them to convey my new status as an engaged woman.

Obviously, not everyone is this wrapped in social status or materialistic. But I was shocked at how common this reaction was, which is why I think that Liz is onto something. It's not that women should not ever get engagement rings, but where is the balance to what is expected of each party? I told my husband about this whole discussion, and he advised people to create a new tradition of giving men engagement sceptors. Clearly this will not solve the inequality issue, although I like the idea of creating a new tradition in which each party gives the other a meaningful token (to be decided amongst tthemselves) to show their new level of commitment.

As an aside, I'm going to throw in the idea of gay marriage and how a new tradition would be more inclusive of all people. The idea of a man giving a woman an engagement ring does not play out when two women or two men get engaged.

Suzanne ( http://www.blogher.com/member/suzanne ), BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/feminism-gender )
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants ( http://cussandotherrants.com/ )

So all gifts only have monetary value? Or is it only gifts that involve engagements? So the only truly "no strings" ring would be one that isn't bought (no matter if it were Belinda's $1 stone ring)?

I'm sorry honey, that is not true in any world that I recognize. And I keep repeating "I," not because I see myself as the supreme arbiter of all taste (God forbid, who would want THAT job), but the only things I can testify to with complete certainty is what I think, what I see, and what I feel.

But really, no such thing as a selfless gift? Are we humans really that incapable of giving to someone else without expectation of payment? Is every action reduced to a monetary transaction? And, as far as the narrative mentioned in the quote above - Society (with a capital "S") rarely speaks about anything with only one "Voice." You need look no further than this comment thread to see proof of that. We all pick and choose which parts we believe and which parts we reject all the time. Are you telling me that the simple act of giving and receiving a ring is so powerful that it overwhelms our rational thoughts against our will? That it will rust our souls and corrupt us from within without us even knowing it? That sounds like a boogeyman tale, not a feminism tenant.

I don't buy it. I see examples of how it's not true all around me in my friends, in my relatives, in folks I meet in blogs, and in folks I barely know.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you and I may have to agree to disagree on this one. I think that we could go around and around with the subject for weeks and never see eye-to-eye. And that's fine.

And if I ever get engaged and experience any of this powerful transmogrification as a result of my engagement ring (IF I end up having one, the jury's still out on that), I will be sure to blog about it and let you know. Hopefully, you will do likewise should you ever get engaged (without the ring, of course). ;-)

-CL

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.blogspot.com/ )

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.spaces.live.com/ )

An excellent boil down to the meat of things, I think. And I wish that I could come up with the perfect answer, but I am afraid I will fall short.

I think it's similar to how an educated population benefits you even if you don't have kids. Or how white Yankees were effected by slavery in the South, and saw a benefit in freeing the slaves in this country. You may not give that ring inherent meaning, but society does. We can ignore it, change it, adapt it and there is power in doing that, but the lopsidedness remains, and I personally believe feeds into continued inequality for women.

Of course, I've not well answered you specifically. Here's one thought from "I Do, But I Don't" by Kami Wicoff:

As it stands, the diamond ring tradition tells couples, just as they are about to begin their lives together, that the ultimate romantic act is for a man to spend money on a woman, and for a woman to be gratefully in his debt. Again, this does not accurately describe many couples' financial realities, but the narrative is so powerful it overwhelms the facts, and more importantly it informs couples' sense of themselves, each other, their partnership, and how to conform to the larger social norm - all of which makes it very difficult to resist.

And that changes our world, whether we subscribe or not.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

I love the sparkle of a diamond as much as the next woman, but when the time came for the Big "E" I demurred. My primary reason was that I could not imagine wearing something so expensive on my finger, where it might slip off or crack apart if I went about living life. A secondary reason was that I just did not want to buy into the mythos that the diamond industry has created in our culture.

I don't expect everyone to be like me, but I do feel disappointment when I never meet anyone in real life who has made the same decisions. (I did not take my husband's last name after the wedding, either.) Although I am secure in my choices, reading that some few others have come to similar conclusions is gratifying. Or- dang, it feels good to feel like less of a freak.

Deirdre, Liminal Musings ( http://liminalmusings.com )

I toally agree that its fine to not wear the ring (one of my best friend's just got engaged and has no ring) but for me, it was a symbol that I embraced (along with changing my name) - not because I was losing myself, but because I was adding to my sphere in such a happy way as to want to make a public statement. Why do people refuse to acknowledge that I can be a feminist and still like to wear pretty things?

Yes Liz, I remember your entry about the proposal and I would agree completely. As for the rest, you know your own mind and life...if my guesses don't match up with your experiences then it would be extremely stupid and arrogant for me to insist they should.

And I agree, symbols have meanings and that those meanings can be important. But I think we can become so engrossed in debating the meanings that we lose sight of the objects themselves. I get that for you engagement rings have meaning and that meaning is something negative, which you do not want. You've been very clear about expressing your view and I can respect "your truth," as you put it. And I get that, for the many women who have so eloquently written in support of engagement/wedding rings, these objects also have meaning to them and that they feel proud to wear them. I can respect that truth too.

But to me, we're just debating window-dressing here. When a friend tells me that she's getting married, I don't care whether she's getting an engagement ring or not; whether her ring will have a diamond or not; whether she's going to keep her name, take his name, take a hyphenated name, if he's going to take her name (I have heard of it happening) or if they're both going to take a totally new name together; I don't care whether she's getting married by a religious figure, a local magistrate, or by her friend who got ordained online yesterday; I don't care whether they get married in a church or by the sea or in a bathtub.

What I want to know is: Is she happy? Does this relationship bring something good into her life? Will it be healthy for her (and him) into the future? And for me there is no symbol that encompasses THAT.

So I'm confused, how exactly can a symbol for which I (at this moment) give no inherent meaning, make my life better by it's absence? Can you give me specifics, because I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept?

-CL

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.blogspot.com/ )

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.spaces.live.com/ )

Hi Caffeinated Librarian,

Well, I would strongly, strongly disagree with "just a thing." Just a thing? Just a word? Just a tradition? To me, that's so easy to say and it's simply too easy. Things mean things. Sometimes we don't like it, but symbols have meaning by their very nature.

I choose to start my post off with a personal reference because I like to personalize my posts and have a personal jumping off point. I guess that leaves me stuck now having to say, but no it wasn't about what happened in that relationship. It was bigger than that relationship. In fact, I never even discussed ring issues with my ex-fiance because it was something going on in the background, something I knew and felt, but which was so much less than our personal, larger issues. (Except when it was used as ammunition in the name change argument, of course.)

In fact, my fiance was involved in the wedding planning and was quite forward thinking about gender issues. It was the world and my expected role in it that knocked me on my butt, and I felt that by wearing that ring - an expensive piece of jewelry and a non-reciprical tradition - I had given permission. I had bought in.

And yes, I think in the bigger picture, that's true in a wider sense for women. I stand by my belief that in the long run and in the big picture, women would be better off not starting a marriage with a financially and emotionally lopsided tradition. That's my respectful opinion, open for further discussion here.

I do love what you've said about the engagement "working" when it lead to the end of a relationship that needed to end. I think that's very wise and a great way to look at it. Just an interesting tidbit, I don't know if I'd agree that the ring and my reaction to it really had anything to do with the engagement "working" in that way, because honestly, there were so many issues ahead of it when it came to why things didn't work out, but just as an aside, the proposal itself was a HUGE indicator and didn't start things off right.

The ring, however, was a perfect choice on his part, and man, did I love it as a piece of jewelry, when considered apart from it's role as an "engagement" ring.

Thanks again everyone for the continued discussion.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

Hi Crunchy Carpets,

I think what Jamaila is saying is that the women here - of all opinions - represent the smart, the educated, the strong. There are lots and lots of women in America in situations that could be better, living with men who aren't forward thinking in the ways being discussed in this post, and who didn't choose a traditional way out of any higher process, but because that's the way their entire world still works.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

more 'traditional' marriage are less educatated and just don't know any better???

I think you have insulted a huuuuge swath of women out there.

I have been on many parenting boards and read posts from ALL kinds of women and there are a LOT of women who are proud of their more 'old fashioned' families...they are not treated like 'dirt'....they LIKE their roles....the dynamic is important to them.

Maybe because of religion or culture or whatever.....it is not because they are ignorant.

I think that is the problem these days, especially with modern feminism.....we keep thinking that women (lets keep this in the western world) are a certain way because of their education level.

We forget about choice.
That being a woman today is about choice and the freedom to live the way we choose.

I have to add something here that I think needs to be said. Several people have said that they can't imagine the woman Liz describes, who happily straps on her shackles and heads from the altar to the kitchen, as it were.

Well, here's the thing: they do exist. Most of the women (people!) on BlogHer are educated, liberated, self-confident, and possess a great deal of knowledge about themselves and the world around them. More power to us! But there are many, many, many women out there who lack the resources we've utilized, who don't know that they might be better off without the husband who treats them like dirt -- and not in a vague, academic, lacking-equality sort of way, either.

Education is the key here. There really are women out there who see the diamond as the reward. They simply don't know that they have other options, and it's unfair of us to assume that everyone's outlook is just like ours. We can't just say 'my god, what woman would allow herself to be degraded like that?' and know that because we wouldn't, nobody would.

They. Don't. Know. And we should teach them, not harangue them or ignore them -- both are equally disastrous ideas.

Jamaila

Ancestral Pile ( http://ancestralpile.blogspot.com )

...you're spending an awful lot of time and energy fighting a symptom (or should I say "symbol") when you could be fighting the disease. If the relationships are the problem, by all means raise all the questions you want about how we structure those (and I know you often do, that's why I like your blog) - "Hooza!" and more power to you for THAT. But I fail to see how wiping engagement rings off the face of the earth would make a substantial difference to the condition of women. It's just a THING, Liz!

What I hear you saying is that when you got engaged everything changed for the worse, all these new expectations were heaped upon you and the "rules of engagement" (for lack of a better phrase) to your relationship changed. But let me ask, do you really think that if you hadn't had to deal with the ring and the other wedding hoopla, that your fiancée’s expectations of you would have changed? Do you think that if those traditions had not been there, that you two would have continued to live a life of mutual equality that you (at least) were striving for all along?

I ask because I don't think it would have - and I know I'm an outsider looking in and there's a lot I don't know (and a lot that is none of my business, quite frankly) about your relationship. But it seems to me that in your case those traditions did EXACTLY what they were supposed to do: they made you question what was important to you and whether this was what you wanted. I just don't think that, in order to be successful, engagement has to lead to marriage. Engagements that lead to the end of a relationship (as yours did) are just as successful, because they keep people from making commitments that they realize would be mistakes in the long run.

How is that NOT a good thing? And I'm not saying it wasn't painful, because anyone who reads you can tell it was.

-CL

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.blogspot.com/ )

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.spaces.live.com/ )

Hi Liz and all,

As background, I'll start by saying that over the last couple of decades I've performed music for hundreds of weddings. After awhile I began to *see* weddings very differently than I had after only attending a few as a guest (which, unless you're a musician, minister, florist, photographer, caterer et al - is what most people, friends or family ever experience). Having said that, I agree with Liz that there's a double-standard going on in this society as far as what is expected of women re: marriage.

However, I also see weddings (and getting married for that matter) as mostly a 'chick thing' these days (not my phrase - credit that to Shawn Nicks - a female KGO radio ( http://www.kgoam810.com/complexpersonalities.asp ) host I heard use it several years ago when she did a show on weddings). In other words, it's women - much more than men - that are primarily responsible for the perpetuation of the entire wedding ritual, rings and all.

-Bob
bobafifi.com ( http://www.bobafifi.com )

usedviolins.com ( http://www.usedviolins.com )

fluteplayer.net ( http://www.fluteplayer.net )

Hi Lisa,

So glad you like-y. :)

I was thinking the exact same thing, and how different the conversation might be were it on a feminist blog or a conservative blog. I think it's great to read this thread.

Awesome.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

Whew, there's a lot here, and I know I won't hit it all.

As to the question of whether I would feel this way had the relationship I opened with not floundered: 100% YES YES YES. I think that's the easy question to ask.

First of all, like most break-ups there were way too many issues than could even be covered in one blog post, and the ring wasn't even 1% of it. Second of all, the engagement confirmed my underlying feelings about the ring. Man, I *so* didn't want it to, but it did.

And one thing that definitely freaked me out was that the equality that I'd lived with and made a goal for years with this man suddenly seemed to be something I was expected to "grow out of." By him, by society, and certainly by the wedding industry. Yes, in the middle of the relationship, true, but also at what is the start of the marriage. From the minute I accepted that ring, I had duties and expectations, and it was different for him. Perhaps a function of my social circle, my geographical location, or even of my man, but there it is. Yes, for me, the traditional meanings of the ring, the history of the ring, the inequity of the ring, cannot be brushed aside. I couldn't reconcile it, and I can't reconcile it.

Here's something else. I am speaking to a wider audience; I have moved, in this post, out of speaking just for me and for myself to say, in a larger sense, yes, I think ultimately, the engagement ring has to go. I hope for a world where the double standards are GONE, and I think moving away from the one-sided engagement ring tradition and towards something that is shared equality by the couple and which declares the status of either both or neither would be a healthy, positive move for both men and women and relationships. So yes, I consciously chose to speak widely and not just about myself.

That said, is feminism really asking anyone to give up anything they honestly and truly believe in and that works for them? Maybe it is, I honestly don't know, but that doesn't make any sense to me. When you say, I'm sick of feminism asking me to not be this and give up this, I honestly wonder, who's doing that? (Again, it's not like I studied feminism in college, so I can't speak for it, I guess.) From me though: Question, disagree, it's great, it's what it's all about.

If I as a feminist am saying I think the engagement ring has to go - and I do - what I am saying is, here's what I perceive, here's what I see, here's what I feel - what about you? If you can look that ring in the bling and know it's a good thing for you and your relationship, then that's your truth. Own it.

But perhaps also be glad someone's still asking the questions. There's power in questions and discussion.

And on a smaller point, I did also try to say that just because something has many wonderful things about it - like an engagement ring or church service (in my personal example) - it doesn't mean it is a good thing in the whole of it. Sometimes other stuff is bigger and more important and requires the sacrifice of truly good stuff that goes along with the flawed bit. So that's what I was getting at when I said "sacrifice."

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

Liz is describing, either. I mean, I really can't. I don't think I've EVER met her, anywhere, in any generation.

I never "dreamed of my wedding day" as a girl. Never. I never once went to a "bridal show" (seriously? do people still do that?). I have never shopped for rings of any kind, except for my husband's wedding ring, and that was easy enough to do almost entirely over the phone to the jeweler. I actually never thought, for most of my life, that I'd get married, and had made plans to adopt as a single woman. Imagine my surprise when, in my 30's, I met, fell in love with, and married this...this man! Like Erin, I kept my own name, and also added his. Big deal. I don't understand why any of this is "having your cake and eating it too." What have I lost, exactly, in this "transaction?"

My engagement ring (the second one, as the first was made of stone and cost less than a dollar, bought on the spur of the moment in the French Market in New Orleans, right before I went into the hospital for lifesaving surgery, for which Alex had come along to support me) has been incorporated right into my wedding band, so that it is no longer a separate entity, I love it so much. I had nothing to do with its selection or purchase (I've heard plenty of stories about women shopping for their OWN engagement rings, which I do think is odd); he saved up until he could get the exact one he wanted (and it was not a bank-breaker), he had it custom-designed, and when I saw it for the first time, I was AMAZED. It was, and is, a piece of jewelry I might well have designed for MYSELF, that's how perfect it is for me--and that's why I treasure it. Because our tastes? They do not agree. In anything--we even argue over which dogs are the best show prospects when we have to choose a puppy. For him to have chosen the ring *I* would love, instead of the one *he* preferred, spoke volumes to me.

And honestly? I WISH I could have kept my husband (who is a BlogHer member, also) out of the wedding preparations. He was into EVERY selection process, except for my dress, thank heavens, and he made more of the decisions than I did, including China patterns for our registry. No one went into debt for anything, and it was a beautiful, meaningful, spiritual day, one that I hope echoes on for the rest of our lives, for however much or little time we might have on this earth together.

Would I be just as happy with modest matching bands, or no rings at all? Well, yeah...because the point is, I have the PARTNER, and that's pretty much what I wanted out of the "deal," you know? Is there honestly anyone out there who truly believes it's about the RING?

I also echo Erin's sentiments in that I am really, REALLY tired of DEFENDING every little choice I make as a woman...especially to other women, from what I wear, to whether/how I work, to whether/how I parent, to my appearance, to the vocabulary I use, to whether/how I marry, to what name I use, to what I blog about, and now even to what gifts of jewelry I will or will not accept from the partner in life, the man I love? That's just pure hogswallop. Who can live like that?

You know what kind of woman I want to be? I want to be like my mother, who recently was tragically widowed from the one and only love of her life, but is soldiering on bravely alone now, running a company she's owned for nearly 20 years, and which she has taken to the top of the industry in her area (a particularly amazing feat when you consider that hers is the ONLY female-owned and operated business of its type in its territory), being a pillar of her community and such a loving, nurturing, purely AMAZING person of strength and compassion that the best I can hope for is to live up to half the example she's set for me.

My father absolutely treasured her above all others, literally until the day he died, and he respected her and held her in a place of honor in his heart. He gave my sister and I the ideal model of manhood, which I think is one reason I was never that interested in marriage--what were my odds of finding one like him?

My mother didn't have what you're referring to as an "engagement ring" until she'd already been married for many years--they needed their money for other things, and it wasn't a priority. And she was fine with that. Later, when they were financially comfortable, HE gave her a gift of LOVE that came from his own loving heart. She knew, and knows, EXACTLY what that gift meant, and I don't think she'd give much of a rip one way or another what "feminism" thinks of that ring, which is now a dear reminder to her of the greatest love you could imagine between a man and a woman.

SO, I doubt that I'll be suggesting to my mother anytime soon that the ring she still wears, and most likely always will, is a symbol of her having "sold out," and that she should take it off immediately or risk being viewed as having "failed feminism." PLEASE. Give me a break.

Liz, I think that your post might have been more effective and definitely more honest if you'd not spoken for all women, especially in your closing line. How about, "*I* have to let the engagement ring go," if you feel, as you obviously do, that it somehow cheapens your relationship and your self-respect and your womanhood? I think that would have gotten your point across quite nicely, and all these other lovely women would not feel the need to defend their own choices. When you speak for *yourself*, you open a dialogue and get people thinking, in an open-minded way. When you speak for an entire *group*, and in the process TELL THEM HOW THEY SHOULD FEEL, then you just put up folks' defenses and close the lines of communication.

Just my very-much-less-than-two-cents. But yeah, I won't be prying my wedding ring apart simply because it incorporates my engagement ring as well. Thank you anyway. And if some narrow-minded people are going to cast aspersions on me for having and wearing it, well...I probably don't like awake nights wondering what those people think of me anyway, do I?

Some day, I'll share my hilariously scary groomzilla story here.

Suzanne ( http://www.blogher.com/member/suzanne ), BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/feminism-gender )
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants ( http://cussandotherrants.com/ )

"But I continue to feel that beginning a relationship with the man giving the woman an expensive ring is tipping the scales."

Maybe this is picky of me, but relationships don't "begin" with engagement - they begin when people first meet. They continue through dating and (for some folks) culminate in the engagement and marriage. And if, by the middle of your relationship, a ring is tipping the scales and the balance of power in your relationship then I'd say your relationship was on shaky ground to begin with (I mean, come ON ladies, we're not talking Frodo's "One Ring" here).

Liz, how many brides have you heard say on their wedding days, "I can't wait to be married. I mean, sure, I'm sacrificing my freedom and equality. And yeah he isn't willing to do any chores around the house and expects me to praise him like a god for making the least little effort. And sure he expects me to pull double duty now that we're going to be married, but HEY at least I've got this great RING as compensation!"

Most women who are about to get married are doing so because they feel they've found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, can we say that is a truism? Presumably they like these men and feel they're good people (one would hope).

So, I'm just trying to picture a women who would fit into your hypothetical situation - who would feel that giving up a ring would be yet another sacrifice to equality and freedom. Because the relationship you describe in your entry (the laundry once a month, the having to treat him like a god) isn't one built around either equality or freedom to begin with. It sounds like hell actually, and who puts on a white dress, a little bling, and knowingly walks into hell? Who is the woman who would be willing to put up with that kind of substandard relationship and thinks that a ring would be adequate compensation? And if she were willing to put up with that relationship, how would giving up the engagement ring help her?

I've never been married or engaged, I never spent any time in my childhood or adulthood planning/dreaming about my perfect wedding, looking at rings, or any of that. So maybe I'm missing the point. But a ring can be a symbol of a good relationship just as easily as it can be a symbol of a bad relationship. But the ring is not the relationship itself and it only has the meaning we confer on it. Otherwise it's just a bit of metal and mineral.

Sorry if I've come off sounding like a troll, particularly since I'm a fan of your work. But I just don't get it.

-CL

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.blogspot.com/ )

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN] ( http://caffeinatedlibrarian.spaces.live.com/ )

I think this is great! When I became engaged, my husband really wanted to give me a ring, so I got a very tiny one , which wound up being a copy of a $50 ring from Service Merchandise my grandparents got me when I turned 16. (The salespeople kept trying to talk him into something bigger, and although I was sitting right there insisting that I did not want something bigger, they looked right past me. Most aggravating.) I immediately felt guilty that I got something and my husband didn't, so I offered to buy him an engagement token. Unfortunately, he requested "an engagement sceptor" (I wish I was making this up), so it took me quite some time to find him a gift. (Last summer, a mere six years after our wedding, I found a toy one in Israel for about $3, which pleased him immensely.) OK, now I am rambling.

My point is that I am totally with you on this. Thanks for stepping out on a limb and writing about it.

Suzanne ( http://www.blogher.com/member/suzanne ), BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/feminism-gender )
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants ( http://cussandotherrants.com/ )

I need to ask, had the relationship not floundered, would this posting ever have come to exist? Had Liz been successful in the "happily everafter" mode, would she have had a cynical view about engagement rings? Probably not. There are many successful, independent, finacially well-off, intelligent women out there that still hold on to that hidden dream scenerio of engagement rings and all that they entail. I am rapidly approaching "50", once divorced and once widowed. I still have hope for love, engagement, and marriage - not to make me whole but to comnpliment the person that I am.

Liz, if you were within reach, I'd give you a huge hug - I love this brave piece and everyone's civil disagreements. It is such a relief to read a passionate paen to what engagement rings do/don't/should/shouldn't mean to the women who do/don't wear, share and give them away -- rather than the relentless parade of pseudo-threatening messaging presented to men about men and women about engagement rings. If you want to see women portrayed as scavenging vultures and men as troglodytes, go to those ads.

Just a couple of things you've made me think about:

- Anyone who has ever stereotyped BlogHer as a site for one kind of woman/women's opinions rather than a site that embraces great ideological diversity among its thousands of members should know that I am sitting at my desk in an empty house and shouting "HA! See?" The dogs wonder what the hell is going on.

- If you bling, you might want to know where your diamonds are from. I first learned about the South African diamond mines as a reporter, and then snorted Mother's Day chocolate out of my nose in 2003 when I opened my other gift, Bill Maher's "When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden ( http://www.amazon.com/When-You-Ride-Alone-You-Ride... )". Don't have time to get the book? Then go read Anil Dash's piece, "diamonds are for never ( http://www.dashes.com/anil/2003/01/20/diamonds_are... )". He is anti-ring; one of his commenters, a jeweller, disagrees and provides links. And as you'll see, Dash hit a nerve too.

- Depending upon the electronic gadget, men are not necessarily more likely to buy it than are women. The year 2004 is the first year documented when women spent more on tech toys than men ( http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/ptech/01/16/women.gad... ), although the Pew Center says men's appetites for technology information online continue to outstrip women's ( http://www.pewinternet.org/PPF/r/171/report_displa... ). Women may ultimately spend more because women determine 83 percent of household spending in all categories, including electronics, computers and automobiles. If he drives it back to our shared home, we probably had a say in color, make, year, and manufacturer.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )

Judging by several comments and my own experiences, it seems like there's a certain sort of couple -- not woman, but couple -- who are reclaiming the engagement ring for its original purpose. Not status symbol a la Harry loves Muffy, but sweet symbol of promise. My fiance and I both wear rings. We got engaged, then went out together to buy rings we liked (no, they don't match! We're not quite that cute!). And the traditional demonstrate-my-taken-status meaning has its uses, when he's wearing one too.

Seems like the real issue is with the notion of the woman's engagement ring. I'm glad to see lots of us getting couples' engagement rings instead. After all, it takes two to be engaged.

And for the record, I can't WAIT to change my name -- because my parents saddled me with a hyphenated last name that has plagued me with length and spelling issues my entire life! ;) I'm not subservient -- I just want my name to finally fit on forms!

Jamaila

Ancestral Pile ( http://ancestralpile.blogspot.com )

Funny, we religious Jewish types are thought to be so conservative, yet the religion's quite progressive. (let's not start, okay, please. .)

But anyway. The RING is considered marital property of the woman's that she owned prior to marriage. So when the property is divided up after divorce she keeps the ring, hands down.

(We believe, btw, that G-d made the solution, divorce, before the problem, marriage)

Sentiment's not in the picture. The rock is good for what it's worth to a buyer.

Happy New Year, all.

Linda

Lessons from a Family Therapist ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

Especially for the type of people and days of the man spending a fortune (is it three months salary debeers says??)on a ring picked out by a woman acting like she has noooo clue about budgets and finances and then leaping into a wedding ceremony that cost them the equivalent of a downpayment on a house......that mentality does NOT jive with equality or modern feminism.

We can't have our $1500 cake and eat it too!

However, I think more and more people are doing their own version of the engagement and wedding bands......spending less and focusing more on the symbolism.

My husband loves buying me jewellery..but I have simple tastes and so it is gifts based on my style and not the extravagant cost.

I think the traditions are changing and evolving ...it is fighting years of media and marketing and culture though...so the change is as slow as ourselves and our own attiudes towards love and marriage and bling bling.

Visit me at Crunchy Carpets ( http://www.crunchy-carpets.blogspot.com/ )

Queen of Spain, amen to THAT!!!

Liz, here's my answer. When you ask why wedding money is still with the brides, I assume you mean why is more money put into marketing weddings to brides rather than grooms. It's simply because we, as women making choices about how to spend our money, are CHOOSING to buy what they're offering us. Men aren't (at least not in large numbers), so sellers don't market to a small or non-existent customer base. This has nothing to do with equal rights but rather our interests. Regardless of our rights, men and women are still going to be drawn to different hobbies and interests. It's not a comment on the state of feminist progress that marketers operate this way, they are simply looking for a return on investment. So you can't blame them! If that upsets you, then hey, maybe there's a good business niche that you could capitalize on by focusing on men, or marketing electronics to women :)

of feeling GUILTY for being a girl.

I like rings. I like diamonds. I like weddings. I like dresses. I like having children. I like motehrhood. I like being a stay at home mom. I am NOT going to feel guilty for wanting and loving my ring. That's just SILLY.

I kept my name and took his. He would have happily taken mine. He also would have happily taken an engagement ring had I wanted to make that statement.
How is it holding anyone back from anything? The precieved notion that someone owns me? That's silly. How about the idea that I GOT and took what I wanted? That's powerful, isn't it? That I saw what I wanted in life and claimed it? Or is that too man like?

I'm really confused here.
And why does everyone keep sucking the fun out of romance? Is it because love is holding the women's movement back? Ick. I don't buy it. I'm my own woman. I am in an equal partnership. I have my own symbols and traditions.

No one really in it for the long haul needs a ring. But for those of us who like tokens of affection that come in small boxes, it's nice. Romantic. Even empowering.

Wow. Who knew a post about engagement rings could get me so crazy? Huh. Don't mess with my bling.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

Hi Smartl and thank you for commenting.

Yes, there are some dichotomies going on here, it's true. As an individual, I am very respectful of people's individual choices for themselves. When you tell me what works for you, I respect what you're saying, it's true.

And yes, at the same time, I think women, as a whole, would be better off without engagement rings. Why is the wedding money with the brides? And why are we still assuming that electronics are more interesting to men? That's SO SO SO not my truth. And why do we still live in a world where parenting magazines are only for women? Men buy magazines, but only women parent? We know that's not true.

Yes, I don't have to change my name. I don't have to take an engagement ring. On an individual level I have choices, and I am thankful for that and I respect yours, too.

But on a world level, as far as we (and men) have come, we still have a long way to go. And I think engagement rings hold us back.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

Liz,

I think I understand what you are saying, but I still disagree. I don't think women are expected to take their husbands last names anymore. Most of my friends didn't. I did, because I wanted to, but it was my choice. We actually discussed changing our last name together to something completely different.(we even talked to QofS and The Kaiser about changing all four of our names to the same one).

My point is that WE have the power. WE have the choice. Nobody has to have an engagement ring, but I wanted one. I love mine. I love that it means he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I with him. Reading other peoples comments, I do wish I had gotten him an engagement ring too, but we do both wear wedding bands.

At least we don't have dowrys (dowries?) anymore. Nobody is paying men to take us off of their hands.

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/sports-fitness )
Sarah and the Goon Squad ( http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/ )
Draft Day Suit ( http://ronmexicosblog.blogspot.com/ )

Liz, I find some of your questions perplexing, because I think we've come further in terms of equality than you give women credit for, and you're using your questions as reasons why we should be giving up a lovely tradition. For example, the bridal industry is targeted towards brides and not grooms because that's where the money is. Just like most electronic gadgets are geared towards men because men are more likely to buy them than women. That's just marketing, it doesn't represent an inequality between men and women; it represents sound business strategy. Same deal for parenting magazines. As for why your name changes when your partner's doesn't, well, you just finished saying that you won't be changing your name because that doesn't work for you. We have that choice now, so I'm failing to see the problem!

I understand your position and certainly respect your decision that an engagement ring and a name change doesn't work for you when it comes to marriage. Where I disagree with you is that while you say it's great that rings and name changes work for others, you also say that we would ALL be better off without engagement rings. You're making a bold statement on behalf of all of us and I am respectfully stating that you are not representing me or any woman who dreams of a romantic proposal, a beautiful ring or a traditional marriage. We should each make choices that work for us individually, because the option to choose is now available.

When we were in graduate school, my husband proposed; he gave me a "sapphire" and "diamond" ring from Service Merchandise (remember them?). We bought a beautiful silver and turquoise band for him later. Both rings together cost under $200.00, which was a LOT of money for us.

At the same time, two of my girlfriends got engaged, and were both given traditional diamond solitaires. One friend admitted that her husband had paid for the ring with his credit card and was carrying the balance, indefinitely; the other friend proudly told us the details of the financing on her ring.

Last year, David's bridal started a program where brides could finance their dresses. Wear it now, pay for it forever!

I think Liz is getting at something really important here, and it isn't a criticism of those of us with rings we love and husbands who pull their own weight. There IS a larger cultural expectation of women in the wedding industry; the wedding is still seen as The Goal for women in Western culture. DeBeers markets the diamond engagement ring as a Family Heirloom--but an heirloom isn't something you buy new, it's something that has history and meaning. THAT is what a marriage should be about.

The ability to finance a wedding--to finance a ring or a DRESS, for heaven's sake--says something about the way we as a culture (not we as individual women reading Liz's blog post) think about marriage. We are taught that we are entitled to the big ring and the big dress and the big wedding, even if we can't afford it. We are not asked to stop and think about who will take out the trash or start the laundry or visit elderly parents in the nursing home every day, or about what will happen when someone loses a job or there is a death in the family or a child gets into trouble at school. We are encouraged to imagine only the wedding, and to picture ourselves in THE ring and THE dress.

And then we are told that it is okay to start our married lives in debt and unprepared for the actual marriage.

You state in your comments that only women have come a long way. What about the men? They weren't invited into birthing rooms in the past, and now they are. The men you are speaking of, that do nothing and want to be rewarded for it, don't seem to dwell around these parts. Perhaps I surround myself with respectful males. I don't know.

And for the record, I didn't start a relationship with my Husband thinking I'd get a big ole rock in the process. I started dating him because he had a genteel manner about him. And he still does. Even with a ring on his finger.

Family Living; Hatfield Style ( http://www.thejhatfields.org/blog ) - Our Family Blog
The Chronicles of MunchkinLand ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.wordpress.com ) - My adoption blog.
Jenna

And so yes, there are husbands that clean and take care of their children. If that's how your relationship works, and it works for you, that's great. If your relationship is more traditional and that works for you, that's great.

But I continue to feel that beginning a relationship with the man giving the woman an expensive ring is tipping the scales. Yes, equality doesn't mean we are all exactly alike. But why is my status announced during an engagement while his isn't? And why does my name change while his doesn't? And why is the entire bridal industry focused on the bride? And why are all the parenting magazines focused towards women?

And why are men held up as gods for a minimum of work and participation? Again, not saying your man, but take a man to a bridal meeting and watch him be fawned over. Ask him what people say when he takes the kids. A friend of mine's husband moved with her for her job and every single woman at his work that he was leaving was on and on and on about what an amazing man he was to move for his wife. These things are still how it is much of the time.

Is the engagement ring the beginning of the double shift? I think it is for many women. I think if you aren't one of them, you are fortunate by far. When my ex-fiance and I went to bridal shows, he was one of ten men there.

Women have come a long, long way. And yes, often our honest and personal choices are in line with traditional roles. If that's your honest truth, I can respect that.

But no engagement ring for me. I want to find a new way which honors us both as a couple and a lifelong team. In your individual situation, I believe your ring may work for you and your relationship. But overall, I honestly feel we'd be better off without them - financially, in our hearts, in our minds, in our world.

Lizzie aka grnidlady, I *love* your matching silver rings!

Thanks very much, everyone, for your comments. Keep 'em coming; it's a good discussion, I think.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

My husband gave me a ring to signify our engagement -- it was simple, lovely, and not a diamond. He received my grandmother's wedding band for his wedding ring (it fit him perfectly). Then, when my mother could no longer wear her wedding set because of arthritis, she gave it me. I now wear her diamond engagement ring, my very thin gold wedding band, and my simple 25th anniversary ring all on my "wedding finger".

I think we should do what feels right to us as individuals to show our commitments and honor our relationships, whether it's matching diamonds, silver rings, or no rings at all.

For me, that includes keeping my name, cleaning the bathroom, balancing the checkbook, and earning most of the money. For my husband, it means doing the laundry, fixing dinner, mowing the lawn, and vacuuming.

The Blog: Red Nose ( http://bozoette.typepad.com )
The Book: Girl Clown ( http://www.lulu.com/content/45470 )

... that what you were saying, Liz, was that it's a vestige of a more unequal time, and something people do because it's expected, rather than because it symbolizes what marriage is about.

And I couldn't agree more.

In the comments on a recent blog post of mine, my boyfriend mentioned me not wanting an engagement ring, and multiple commenters leapt in to say "Yes she does!" No, I don't.

I think it's great that some women have something that's meaningful to them in their engagement rings. I'm not knocking anybody. But I don't need one. And I do think what it says---whether we realize it or not---is something we need to stop and consider.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

I'm also quite surprised by this post. For someone who states that ceremonies and traditions are a good thing, what's the big problem with engagement rings?

I'm not engaged yet, but my boyfriend and I have talked about it a lot, and when we get engaged, I will obviously get an engagement ring and he will get an "engagement gift" from me. That seems pretty equal to me.

You seem to view engagement rings as a symbol or reminder of your unfair, burdened role in a relationship, and as a required announcement to the world that you're taken. If you choose to view it that way, then you are probably right that we need to let them go, but I don't believe most women view them that way. I see the ring as a promise and commitment. It IS an announcement to the world that I'm taken, but I love my boyfriend and want everyone to know that I'm committed to him (that whole "shout it from the rooftops" thing). He shares in the housework equally with me and that won't change once we marry (even if his expectations of me change, I will not be doing two people's work and he understands that).

The funny thing I've noticed about feminism is that it worked so hard to get equal rights for women that feminists now get extremely disgruntled if I choose not to take advantage of the opportunities that used not to be available to me. And why? Isn't the point of feminism to ensure that women are not forced by society into a lifestyle they don't want? I am so grateful for the fact that feminists have fought for me in the past so that I might enjoy the same privileges, opportunities, and choices as men. I am not forced to stay home and do traditional "women's work" such as cooking, cleaning, and childminding. But I happen to be very traditional by nature, and that includes an appreciation for the engagement ring and the tradition of the man proposing marriage. I think it's very symbolic and beautiful, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

my husband and i both wore matching silver bands during our engagement. when it came time to purchase my wedding set i choose a ring with his birthstone in it. this was a second marriage for me and i wanted something different than a diamond. been there, done that! btw, my husband is the one who does most of the housework and cooking in our family. he jokes around and says that i don't have the 'cleaning' gene. lol! but i do appreciate him and realize that i am a very lucky woman.

Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View ( http://grnidlady.efx2.com )

My ring was a gift. It symbolized a promise of eternity. Nothing more, nothing less.

Tradition is what we make of it. We did the ring tradition, but we don't do Valentine's Day.

I think you are stretching, to say the least, to try and connect the ring or name change to any sort of feminist cause. It's all personal choice. I like diamonds. And will accept them from my husband AND be a good feminist.

I think maybe you need to take a look at some good, equal, real marriages and see that tradition can be beautiful and progressive. Not soul sucking. I am MORE me. I am MORE everything because I found the right partner.

I gave up nothing.

And I sure as hell am not giving up my ring.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )