Another custody argument: Parental Alienation Syndrome

It's yucky either way. We've been dealing with custody-related drama for my oldest for many years now, including PAS. The "expert" hired by the court to help us was probably the most shocking part of our PAS adventures. I am a PhD (so is she) and so I decided to research the syndrome and found that courts are the only place it has any credibility - the profession never accepted and widely discredits PAS (not that some parents don't alienate their children, but the syndrome is not accepted). How does this happen? The "inventor" of PAS has written on other subjects - like pedophilia (he's pro), rape (doesn't believe it exists) and spouse abuse (totally fine because women provoke it). If judges read a little more they might not be so quick to buy into what the rest of the world apparently sees as a tragic hoax.
Jennifer Z.

Blogging here at http://www.blogher.com/member/jenniferz 

I have a good friend that never speaks ill of her ex around their son. He's decided to not pay his child support and rarely spends time with his son. She is left with the financial burden, while he has two more children. Their son is now 9 years old and has figured out what a tool his father is based on his behavior, not on what his mother has said.
I am also dating the father of a 9 y.o. boy and have witnessed time and time again his ex not honoring the agreed upon court ordered custody agreement.
She moved 60 miles away, pulled him out of his school, decides the threat of bad weather is enough to keep him home with her. My boyfriend had him enrolled in catholic school, and per the custody agreement he is to go there until he completes the 8th grade (he is currently in the 3rd grade). When I first met my boyfriend she kept him for six weeks from his father, with no way of reaching her and having no idea where they were. Despite being out of work the better part of the last 2 years he's never missed a child support payment. We are on egg shells whenever we have to have contact with her. He is supposed to have visitation with his son every other day and we are always afraid she'll be at our door yelling and cussing at him.
We never speak badly of the child's mother and have had to defend her behavior.
This is the toughest thing I've ever been involved in, and no one is a winner, especially the child.

I think the whole custody legal system needs to be thrown out and redone to be a system that only caters to the needs of the childern and not the parents. I think that child support payments should be distributed by paying a percentage of the child's living expenses and paid to those specific expenses such as clothing, food, and shelter. I don't believe in giving a the residential parent the money to chose to spend it how they see fit. There needs to be accountablity. I think money and accountability will change the custody battle and it will suddenly be fair.

Gina

I went through a nasty divorce 8 years ago, this month. I've heard alot about PAS, but wonder where they (the courts) draw the line. On the one hand, if the child is complaining about the other parent, it's your natural instinct to comfort them. Is that wrong? At what point do they consider it PAS? I mean this seems like a lose/lose situation. If you don't comfort the child, then you are not showing love and affection, and if you do, then you are alienating? What age group does the PAS mainly focus on with kids?

I was never accused of PAS, thank God. It's taken a long, LONG time, but my ex and I finally realize the most important thing is the kids. It truly is...not your opinion or the ex's.

I've always said at the end of a nasty divorce, judges go home to supper and everyone else goes home to changed lives.

Jen

http://thoughtsfromthefrontporch.blogspot.com

I've been at this for over 12 years with sole custody for 10; my older son's family has more money and resources to make everyone's life hell.  Yet we plod on, and one thing I've learned, besides all of the laws and all of the situations I come across: everyone has a different experience of this custody quagmire.  There is no way a court can fix it!  If it is really possible to amicably work in alternative dispute resolution, you should do it...., however, word to the wise:  they do not have any better answers than anyone else and are just as likely to screw ya as a judge driving off in a Lexus!  There is no way to leave the  custody foray without some scarring and usually it is not the consenting adults who bear the brunt of the hurts.  Be wary of child bearing and divorcing:  worse comes to worse, be the sucka and lose.  Get your kid(s) out of the court system where no real good can come anyway.   

I've done enough law, legal advocacy domestic violence and social work to know that there is no easy answer for anyone and if you love your kids (really and truly), keep em outa the courts!

     I am in the middle of a suit affecting the parent-child relationship and I think our situation would've turned out best for our son if we had tried to work things out ourselves or at least tried collaborative law.

     Things have gotten quite ugly so far.  I chose to represent myself and Amanda chose to spend around $23,000 for one year's worth of legal services.  We're not even half-way done with the process.

     The thing is I did want to use parental alienation as part of my case but didn't have the time to implement it.  I may do so in the future.  I have read a lot of Texas case law the past 15 months and it seems like the mother is a lot more likely to alienate the child/children from the other parent than the father is.

     My son's mother is unjustly alienating our son from me.  Our son, Brandon, is will be 4 years old in 2 months.  He and I have a great relationship and always had a good-great relationship.  The problem began when Amanda found out I looked through her stuff at her home because I was suspicious about whether or not she was seeing someone else.  Things just escalated from there.

     I used to stay at Amanda's house and take care of our son unsupervised.  The problem is that she lives in the Houston-area and I live in the Dallas-area, so it made it easier for her to take advantage of the situation.

     Long story short, my son and I are best friends and we know it.  I don't want him to grow up hating his mother, but I don't know if that is possible given the way she has acted the past 18 months.  Her behavior and actions have been horrible.  I thought I knew her, but now I am so ashamed of her.  I can't believe the way she has acted.  I never could have imagined things would have eventually turned out this way.

      Amanda and her family are very self-centered, ideological, and controlling.  I feel sorry for my son.  He would be much happier if I had custody of him.

     Btw, Mir Kamin.  It is interesting that I ran into this blog searching for parental alienation.  Your last name is the same name of one of the top family law attorneys in the Houston-area, Lynn Kamin.  What an amazing coincidence.  Yall aren't by any chance related in any way?

Anthony

I lived it I know...My mother used pas abuse on me...Also it isn't just mothers that use PAS some fathers do it too but in my case it was my mother & I hate her for it & what makes me sick is parents that do that to there children...They are mentally & emotionally abusing there children & getting away with it because they are not leaving any physical bruises...But the hurt that they are causing their children is disgusting & those invisible bruises will not go away! I am 32 years of age & it is still a big factor in my life...My mother is still a manipulative as ever & me having a down syndrome brother that is easy brain washed doesn't help...I no longer talk to my mother because the simple fact is I don't trust her & she cause me too much stress & those parents that are doing this mental & emotional abuse to your kids make me sick to my stomach & if your kids figure it out that you are abusing them this way they are going to grow up to hate you like I hate my mother!
http://tishas.blogspot.com/

when his lawyer claimed it, the baby was 4 months old. And when PAS is spoken about it is Mohamed they refer to as suffereing form the syndrome.

Every thing he has accused us of he has done to us, and this court in maryland buys it all.

No one will help, because his lawyer has told so many lies about us, and noe one knows us, so we are condemned

do we ask the OTHER violent criminals if they want time with their children? Or do we put them in jail?

If a man beats another man onthe street he goes to jail, if he beats his wife he gets custody?

Read ON:
A Custody Nightmare:

““Women lose trust in the court system,” said Cuthbert. “That means battered mothers may stay with the batterer because they at least have some measure of control when they are present in the home.” “Battered Mothers Fight to Survive the Family Court System, “WCW Study on Battered women and the Family court System.

To the State of Maryland Agencies in this Custody Matter: J Ahmed v Mohamed Ahmed

I could not understand why you, all of you, treated my husband, my daughter and I as if we were criminals, we were the abusive ones, until yesterday morning.

To date, each one of you has assumed we, the grandparents, were angry. In truth we are frightened. Ed and I are the people you want have living next door. There is no kindness we find too burdensome. In this case kindness has hurt us severely. We were kind to Mohamed, fixed up his apt, even buying the appliances and furniture, no kindness has ever been returned. Instead he denies the kindness, and in fact throws racial indictments toward us, that appear to be believed by the state of Maryland.

When Jennifer had to leave because of violence, we held no grudge. We forgave, and that appears to be the BIG mistake here, we were the only ones playing on the kindness and forgiving field.

I bought Jennifer a guide to divorce and child custody, to avoid any great arguments, she told me that was futile, Mohamed would cause a fight, but I didn’t believe. I am a humanist; I believe all people are basically good. I was sure he could be reasoned with; after all I spent a great deal of my life working with prisoners and battered women. Everyone has a kindle of goodness, no matter how small, I was sure of that. I now believe in resident evil, after John Hill announced us as the enemy in Circuit Court. I should have seen the abuse coming. I am ashamed and blame myself for not seeing the pattern.

After Mohamed started the stalking routine three years ago, I thought this is a frightening, but perhaps cultural issue, and I was sure all of this could be resolved peaceably. Wrong again. 3 years now of being stalked and yes I have filed all the useless papers with all the courts, here in Maryland however the woman is rarely believed, unless she comes to court with the smoking gun he used in her hand.

Once visitation with the baby started, I began to see the abuser’s game, but denied it for what it was.

Grandpa Ed drove Jennifer to visitation because she was frightened, (she still can’t speak when her ex is in a room. Helen Laird the Custody Evaluator State of Maryland mistook that silence for cooperation, and a nervous laugh when Mohamed touched Jennifer’s hand, as validation that Mohamed was the good guy, and Jennifer had over reacted to the abuse.) Now you need to understand that Grandpa Ed is absolutely the most gentile man in the world, anything any friend, neighbor, or relative needs Ed supplies, with out fail, and here he was being treated like a criminal for protecting his daughter.

One week at the visitation center Mohamed told the staff that Jennifer was having a man (he said it was her boyfriend who was threatening Mohamed) come to visitation, and the staff told Ed to wait in the parking lot. The boyfriend was her father and Mohamed in one swoop, figured out how to make Jennifer the villain, even though he is the abuser. He was well aware it was Ed her father brining her each week.

They were so sympathetic to Mohamed, they told Ed he had to wait in the parking lot, and not the one out front but away form the building. Leaving Jenn vunerable to attack. Ed complied as always, with no clue why this was asked. At the same time, Mohamed was brining his father to visitation, without Jennifer’s knowledge, how could that happen? The agreement was not written with his father included. Jennifer was treated as if she was the battering spouse, and the report was written as if Jennifer had actually done something wrong, besides being frightened. All the while he was threatening my daughter with killing her every week. He called our house every day multiple times a day (and night), but Mohamed was the abused remember, he said so…, the court would not help, nor would the police. And it was not a new threat, he make that threat repeatedly to her while they lived together. She begs her attorney to report this, but he chooses the high road, of honesty and cooperation, another error.

Every incident, involving the professionals of this state, since Jennifer left Mohamed was rift with accusations of prejudice from Mohamed toward us, until he met Helen Laird and John Hill. They then solidly believed whatever he said, and we were condemned. But I could not figure out how he was doing it. Until yesterday that is.

Now comes the court evaluator, she has her conversation with Jennifer, and Jennifer says to me, please call she wants to speak to you. I complied, although now I know I should not have spoken to this woman at all.

Helen opened the phone call to me with, “you hate Mohamed don’t you”. Not going to be a good conversation like that, but now it is the independent court evaluator, throwing the racial slurs at me, unprovoked, not just Mohamed. I still believed the truth would prevail, it did not. Instead Helen was smitten with Mohamed, and she is not alone.

By the way Ed and I have never complied with John, Helen or Mohamed’s attempt to make us bigots, because we are not.

Mohamed has been stalking us for three years, straight no time off for Peace orders. He called constantly day and night all through the peace order; her attorney recommended that if she complains, she would appear to be vindictive. We endured endless phone calls all hours of the day and night and driving around our home.

How could the abuser so readily snow all of the systems he has touched in Anne Arundel County? Yesterday, it all showed yesterday.

On Oct 23rd we attended Mohamed’s Immigration hearing, Mohamed is an illegal alien, we had been told by Theodore Murphy, DOJ that these were opened to the public and perhaps we could speak to the judge. We could not speak to the judge and Ed’s total frustration showed and he marched down the hall.

But the incident forced Mohamed to show how he was getting so much sympathy and cooperation in AA county: he plays the victim. He portrays us as the abusers. I was shocked, and horrified.

While Ed and I were standing in an alcove to see someone from the DOJ and have them explain this process to us. Mohamed, His father and his brother, all walked down the hall together. Three men, pleading with the guard to protect them from us, “Please they want to hurt us.” We have never so much as even spoken one threat, or implied one ounce of harm to Mohamed. He, on the other hand, has repeatedly threatened Jennifer and me, for over three years. Yesterday we were one man and a terminally ill 50 year old woman standing there, in an alcove, no where near them. Now, however, I understand. Protect them from what? All three of them couldn’t stop Ed? Ed has never had a fight in his life, never been openly cross with any of them, or his family to be truthful, his nick name is EZ Ed. And yesterday was the first time I saw Ed so totally frustrated by our systems. Perhaps they were afraid of me? Had I walked to the end of the hall, then what? They needed to be protected from my inability to breathe? To be protected from my inability to speak due to a total lack of air?

“Please protect me downstairs too” Mohamed. I heard the guard tell him he was safe on the first floor, and go ahead and take the elevator. It was so convincing, even though in the court room each one of those men stared at me with contempt and hatred, the pseudo victim had already established his role before court began! I wondered why the guard was there in the middle of the courtroom standing right next to me. He was protecting the illegal alien from me. I am a short round woman, who has Interstitial Lung Disease, I was diagnosed 2 years ago and told I had 5 years to live; I am not even a treat to myself.

The guard kept looking at me, after all he was told I would do something, to harm this 27 year old healthy man. We were criminals before court even started. Mohamed went in telling everyone we would hurt him. He lies very well as you can guess. Well enough to take 2 very law abiding citizens and make them criminals.

Mistreated, once again, by our systems and its people, because of a story, made up to deflect attention off of his behavior and his intentions, this in fact is the most successful case of this I have ever seen. If attention were given yesterday (it would not have been even if we were not there) someone would have noticed that he filed for change in status, 3 weeks before his final deportation date, and remarried as quickly as he could. For the second time. But that case load was insane, and I doubt it would have been noticed.

Why didn’t he need protection when he was standing outside, before court? Instead he stood and glared at me, it is always me, he knows he could cause me harm, he is not sure he could hurt Ed. He has played the victim role, very successfully, to avoid having anyone really see him. If he acts like the victim to the courts, police and other staff, and they buy it, then we will always appear to be the out of control people. Because we will get frustrated, appear angry, and react to the system, when the system treat us like criminals.

However it is not really anger, it is fear, a fear that no one appears to care, or see, but to us, it is fear none the less. I am very scared, so scared I am willing to quit my job, sell my home, and leave. Leave this state, leave this country, just run away from the abuse. I understand a battered woman far more than I ever did when I counseled them, was the court advocate for their children, and stood up to their abusers for them. I could never have approached him yesterday; I was too scared, literally shaking at the thought of having to be near him.

This is a standard strategy, used by abusers and their lawyers, to condemn the victim in court in order to allow the Court to punish the victim for the batterer, by taking her children. It is well documented, and unfortunately well rehearsed in this state. Pedophiles sent home to await trial living with the girl he abused, Battered women killed and seriously maimed (2 set on fire), children killed by their battering father, all of whom went through the Maryland Court system. And there is no recourse to this horror story, as long as the batterer is more believed that the battered, they will continue to die in Maryland. Just because the man says so, doesn’t make it true. That goes for his lawyer John Hill too, (who appears to defend battering husbands an awful lot.)

On the way home, we stopped at my favorite bakery in Delaware. Vicki name withheld was there, when she saw me, she began to cry. She told Ed how I saved her life, changed her life, and gave her strength. She was one of my clients, a long time ago. My old client list is quite long, too long, and shamefully long for a civilized country. So I congratulated her, on her new life and her freedom from abuse, and drug dependency. Let her go on for a bit, reminded her that SHE really changed her life, not me. I then placed my order and left.

All I could do in the truck home was cry. How could I have possibly saved so many, and can’t help myself or my daughter through the same maze in Maryland. I guess because I do not portray the victim well enough or lie enough. I believed in this state’s ability to discern the truth, and they could not. I believe in my government, and it deserted both me and my daughter.

And I am scared.

Personally my experience didn't directly deal with this syndrome. Being in my mom's custody only made me hate her because she was insane. So I don't really have an opinion on it.

My complaint was always the opposite. That the courts forced me to be with my mom when I hated her so much.

From my personal professional experience:

Nothing has intimidated me more than those two words, "Parental Alienation." It is a tool in every divorce lawyer's toolbox and packs a stinking punch to women in court. Not men. Women.

Here's how it plays out:
The KID has either been abused or watched his MOTHER be abused. Not too many men are abused in their marriages. Some are, but nowhere near the numbers of women. This child still LOVES HIS DAD or seeks his approval, and wants his dad to love him.

The lawyer gets that subtle piece out of the kid and the judge hears it. The case is made that mom brainwashed the child not to want to be with dad. The child is, after all, ambivalent and says so upon command.

When I write letters to judges about the therapy, I'll tell them that IF father is really a safe individual, that the child will return to him on his or her own accord as a teenager, maybe sooner.

In that case the child will, in fact, reject his mother for an extended period of time for this so-called parental alienation that she constructed against the child.

Meanwhile, I recommend, the judge listen to the facts of the case, and if there's abuse, protect the child.

I tell patients who want me to testify to the "syndrome" that I don't believe it exists, that it's a fabrication of a system that does not protect women.

Who usually goes to court with the money to prove this unfounded syndrome, after all?

Lessons from a Family Therapist ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

Mir,

I am glad that you raised the issue and in the context of the poor children caught in the middle....the whole process needs an over haul because right now it only works for the lawyers who perpetuate it.

It is after all the lawyers who use "child abuse" as a tactic...the DFS worker who had to "investigate" my ex-husbands accusations told me that they knew when the call came in that it was a "custody" case. Why? Because there are so many of them.

Nonetheless they have to treat all calls as legitimate and subject children to questions they have no idea why they are being asked while real cases of abuse go univestigated due to "caseload."

And your comment regarding how "he said/she said it all becomes is very true...but that is another goal of the "abuse" tactic. A woman says that her husband hit her and he says that she hit him also. In the state of Missouri, whoever gets to the court house first gets the "order of protection".

In other words, you can punch your wife and beat her to the courthouse and you can get an order of protection against her...by the time it comes up for hearing, it is a he said/she said and no one is taken seriously. Then, it is introduced into the custody hearing in the context of "he had an order of protection."

Or, as in the case of the Newsweek "rebuttal", this kind of thing is used to portray the woman as not a victim, but a perpetrator. All in the name of "best interests of the children."

As an aside it is interesting that you received anonymous links and that there are "unknown" commenters to your post.

Marianne Richmond
resonancepartnership ( http://www.resonancepartnership.com )

Marianne, I'm sorry if this subject is hitting close to home. :( Thank you for sharing your thoughts when it's clearly a difficult topic for you.

I was a little disturbed, actually, to get that link anonymously, but people have their reasons, I suppose. I included it just to highlight how very "he said, she said" this stuff becomes.

I wish there were clearer answers.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

What I think the article is showing is that the trial judge ignored the expert psychologist and went based on his own opinion and a later judge is reversing all of that and awarding damages.

I immediately sympathise with the dad and the children based on my own experience with my mom, but I can't say who is right and wrong from my vantage point. I'd go with trusting the psychologist.

In my experience the courts are way too trusting of mothers on this subject.

in the family court system, and not knowing anything about the Shockome case other than what I just read courtesy of the "anonymous" source...I would say that items 1-7 are likely taken out of context and prove exactly nothing...that is the problem with all of the polarizing "commentary" that surrounds child custody cases. It is shameful.

And to assume that this divides down gender lines and that women make false charges of abuse and men make false charges of alienation misses the point that the entire system is flawed. And I can assure you I wouldn't believe any of this was possible if I had not been through it personally. Oh, and yes accused by my ex-husband of both alienation and child abuse.

Of course, he doesn't really want custody of the children...he just doesn't think that the judgment is fair and the way he has learned to manipulate the legal system is through filing custody motions.

Marianne Richmond
resonancepartnership ( http://www.resonancepartnership.com )

Being a woman, I instinctively come to the defense of the mother. However, after several firsthand observations, I have come come to realize that sometimes both parents in a relationship can be abusive--and, sometimes neither of them is deserving of their children. And still, our courts try to keep the children in this dysfuctional family situation. Perhaps their reasoning is the understanding, the reality that in most instances even two pretty shabby parents are better than the overextended foster care system we have in place.

YouthPlay.org: How I Choose To Play is Serious Business

Someone used an anonymous email service to send me this link ( http://www.glennsacks.com/enewsletters/enews_9_20_... ). I'm leaving it here in comments so that others can have a look if they wish.

Glenn Sacks has his own agenda, I'm sure, but if the information presented in his commentary is true, I'd expect Newsweek has some explaining to do.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

Speaking from personal experience, I can say unequivocably that if you try to imagine how unbelievably flawed this whole process is, it is 100 times as bad. PAS is a very good example of the catch 22 in the family courts.The family court system serves one constituency, lawyers.

Not children, not mothers, not fathers, attorneys; they drive away in their Lexuses while the clients take out a 2nd mortgage to fund the next round of baseless accusations that are given credence only because they are spoken by someone (upon the advice of their attorneys) who doesn't want to pay the court ordered support and knows that "alienation" or even better "abuse" are the magic words that divert attention from this fact and re-open a case.

The attorneys have a great thing going...the "family" attorneys that perpetuate the acrimony and then benefit from it, the attorneys that are assigned to the cases as GALS (attorneys ad litem) if a parent breathes the word alienation and then are allowed to practice as clinical social workers without a license, with no oversight, the attorneys who sit on the benches and rule with the protection of judicial immunity and then the attorneys that write the laws that protect the rights of attorneys. The parents just write the checks.

And yes, too many innocent children are caught in the middle and too many parents walk in this door thinking that the legal system is there to protect them and their rights; lesson #1: Stay out of the legal system and do everything possible to settle your differences out of court. Once there, you have absolutely no control of the outcome.
Lesson #2 Remember that you are the only one who cares about your children and their interests;See #1

Marianne Richmond
resonancepartnership ( http://www.resonancepartnership.com )

My youngest is now 30. I am the father. I was awarded custody of my three children when the oldest was 11 and raised them from then on, initially with no attention at all from my former wife, then her active opposition when a few years later, I started seeing someone. I suppose I do have to acknowledge that my case is something of a role reversal to the stereotype, but IT DOES HAPPEN! I really would appreciate it if people would try less to attach a role to a stereotype. It does not always work that way. Thanks, someone else who's been there.