Forget secrets and confessions; how about nanny narcs?

I'd love to offer my opinion on these, because, as a nanny, I've looked at that site a few times out of curiosity. I'm curious what people see as bad behavior for a nanny to exhibit. And, to be honest, I think a lot of it is ridiculous. Yes, I've given the kids shit in public. And that's what the majority of the posts on that site are as well. Discipline is an individual thing based on a situation. And the people witnessing a nanny (or a parent) disciplining a child have no prior knowledge of the situation, and unless there's obvious abuse going on, they have no right to comment.
And, just by the way, I'm white, and the kids I take care of are Middle Eastern. Which has approximately nothing to do with me taking care of them, and shouldn't affect peoples perceptions of me with them.

Well jackie, It sure is a good thing you have a great rack (and obviously are not afraid to show it off even if it is not the appropriate place to do so)because after a post like that you don't have much to fall back on! How or why anyone would leave a child in your care is beyond me? Where on Earth did you learn to spell? Or should I say"learn NOT to spell?" Some women have brains and some show off all they have!!! Good thing daddy was doing the hiring!!

as a white nanny, i am a manority.
i dont think it is about being racest.
i think nannies are always being atacked.
its a fact most nba players are black. its not being racest.

http://jackiemaldonado.blogspot.com/

After reading all of this, I am guessing that "tapdancing around the color of her skin" has to do with the fact that "Liz" seems to suggest providing a physical description of someone is racist. Ludicrous.

I read your comments and found them shocking. Is this some sort of propoganda you hope to fuel? Do tell how I might physically describe Gladys Knight or Danny Bonaduce without referencing their race? I wouldn't be able to. Race is irrelevant but when pressed for a physical description, it is a part of the physical description. It is not racism. Shame on you. A thinking person ought to know better. Your awkward and reaching comments seemed to have gotten you press. Oh. That must have been the point. Why else?

KimKimKim --

As another BLACK woman, I went up above your comment and searched the other comments to see where someone felt the need to "tapdance around the colour of your (our) skin." Sorry, but I guess I missed it.

Had few too many cups of coffee before commenting, maybe? Because surely you're not this angry all the time... surely.

K.

Are you kidding me? I do not undertand what I see above as the white woman's need to be politically correct surfacing. Who is it you think you are kidding? Do you slap each other on the backs and applaud your insightfulness? The website clearly says it depends on physical descriptions of nannies for identification purposes. I am a BLACK woman. Hear me loud and clear. Do not call me African American and do not DARE suggest someone should be hesitant to call me a black woman. Are you suggesting that I should be ashamed of the color of my skin? Do you have any experience at all with minorities? Because it sounds to me like you are just spouting what you think we want to hear. Get out in the real world. When relative to giving a phsyical description, there is nothing wrong with being Black or Latina or Japanese! What is wrong with you people?????? If you think it is racist to physically identify someone as black, may I suggest YOU have the problem? Black is not an insult. Please don't feel the need to tapdance around the color of my skin.

It has been my personal experience that the nanny I interacted with only briefly, before I left for work and after was able to put on a emmy award performance for those 30 minutes a day she spent in my company. While I did not hear any stories of serious abuse, I am fortunate that I live in a building and neighborhood where I have friends and those people passed their observations directly on to me! I was shocked because the behavior that they observed were completely out of character with what I had witnessed.
Are some of the things on the blog petty, yes. If you witness abuse, should you call the police or the proper officials, yes. (I am pretty sure the blog says so). The nannies are not "readily" identifiable. And so what if it causes a mother to think twice and wonder if her nanny was in Starbucks on this day? I am on top of my office employees all of the time at work; but the person who is taking care of my three year old son, I should fear encroaching on her space? I would rather err on the side of caution, thank you. And many a times, I have witnessed something that made me feel uncomfortable. I cannot judge what a mother chooses to do to her child but I can assume that a mother who has hired and is paying someone to take care of her children has asked that the nanny take GOOD care of the child.

Well put, Liz. I hadn't even thought about the racism aspect (although now, reading your comment, I'm feeling quite stupid for not having done so). More ick. :(

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

Unless a child is being physically abused in some way, at which point you would call the police, not post to a blog site, how can anyone truly figure out in a few moments what is happening. If a child is being rude or mean to the other children at the park and the nanny raises her voice and tells the child to sit down and straighten up...is she mistreating him/her? It is to easy to assassinate someone's character with gossip and innuendo. We don't need more of that in our lives.

Terri
Earthen Vessel Designs ( http://www.earthenvesseldesigns.com )

I'm on the mailing list for my local mothers club and I hate the emails that surface occasionally about "some little boy being mistreated at the park by a nanny." It's so difficult not to feel icky when the nannies are described in terms of race or nationality. And the circumstances too often sound suspicious. Hey, if letting your child cry during a tantrum (ignoring him in hopes that it will make him stop since he's not getting attention) constitutes as mistreatment, I'm certainly guilty.

I believe that if you don't trust the caregiver you've employed to watch your child, you should fire him or her and hire another.

Interesting find, Mir. You know all the "secret" sites!

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/mommy-family )
Mom Writes ( http://marytsao.blogspot.com )

We've employed a nanny for 10 years, and I would never dream of checking up on her in this way. My feeling is that if you are uncomfortable and mistrusting enough to look for evidence on a website you have definitely hired the wrong person to look after your children.

The only 'report' on our nanny came from a friend, who told me that she had picked our nanny out of all the others in the park - she was the only one carrying a Starbucks cup. I had sucked her into my 4pm cappuccino habit.

sweatpantsmom ( http://www.sweatpantsmom.com )

I agree with Mary and other commenters. The tattletale-on-random-park-nanny emails often have racist overtones. They make quite a lot of assumptions. It is not just the fact that (at least around here) the tattletales are always white women, reporting on Hispanic babysitters who have white children in their care. It is that what the white park moms see to tattle on, is filtered by their own racism. And classism. They assume who is a nanny and who isn't. They don't give a presumed babysitter any slack to be a human being. They think that their way to raise a child is the only way. Frequently the complaints are of perceived neglect... from people who think that they must hover over little Connor and Brianna every second, micromanaging how they scoop up some sand from the sand pit, in the name of educating them or something.

I would point out that if *they* were having a hard day... or were letting the kids run around all crazy while they talked in the shade with a friend... or said something sharp or impatient once in a while, they would not expect someone to tattle to their husband, would they? Yet if they are stay at home moms then their husband is their employer for child care and *they are the nanny*. So why aren't we tattling to men on our fellow moms... I ask... It is the same logic.

I feel the whole thing plays into a culture that discourages women from working and from leaving their children with day care providers. The tone is also very much about how the MOM should know what the nanny is doing wrong. (If there are other parents, this implies that child care quality is not their worry or responsibility.)

Also, I hate those emails and I have to say, that "secrets" web site, because I want people to walk up to each other and have conversations. If you see someone at a park and think they're being borderline horrible to a child, why not walk up and talk with them? You don't have to accuse them. Maybe just get to know them. Also keep in mind not everyone has the same ideas as you about child raising. Maybe the creators of that web site think they are doing something positive in community responsibility for child raising. But *my* perception is that I don't want to encourage women to be backbiting and indirect. Why don't they just talk to the person? We have enough "drive-by parenting" people who come up and offer totally unwanted advice. But apparently talking to some nanny is just too scary? Now why should that be?

A *good* reason to have a guerrilla secret-telling web site is when people are disempowered and have no other forum or recourse. Who has the power in this situation, I wonder?

When people say this stuff on my local moms' club, I respond and try to point out what I think was wrong or racist about their response. Trust me... it freakin' always is.

I'd love to hear from some current or former nannies about this. They could equally well have a "I saw your bad parenting" site...

Grrrrr.

-----------------
Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama ( http://badgermama.blogspot.com ) - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

I don't have a nanny, but my children and I frequent a park where a majority of the other adults are either nannies or babysitters. I've never had a bad experience with any of these caregivers. When we have had a particularly nice playtime with the nanny of someone I know, I will often tell the parents about it, because it's nice to hear that your kids are out with someone who plays with them and hugs them and interacts with them.

I wonder if anyone will alert the site to GOOD nanny behavior--a nanny who comforts a scared or hurt child, or who reminds her tots to say please and thank you, or who is just generally pleasant and fun. As parents--particularly as mothers--we complain that no one ever tells us when we do a good job. Sites like this one just reinforce the notion that childcare only merits attention when someone is failing. Wouldn't it be lovely to log into this site and hear people saying, "We played with the NICEST nanny today?"

(As an aside, today's New York Times ( http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/28/fashion/28nanny.... ) has a piece about parents policing what the nanny feeds the kids. I often forget to leave my cell number with the sitter; I certainly won't be leaving her a list of calorie counts. Sheesh.)