Every feminist at one point or another in her life has probably been told that she needs to get a sense of humor, relax, or get laid when she complains about some vile sexist thing that she is confronted with. Axe body products for men take this maxim to a new extreme. Their ads on the New York City subway often made me roll my eyes in disgust (and I didn’t even get the point of a few of them, like an ad showing a nightstand stacked with cups of water) and the new commercial with Nick Lachey is hilariously bad, so I didn’t think anything of them until some women in my book club mentioned Axe last night.

Axe’s ads initially brought back memories of my own junior high experience, when boys emerged from the locker room after gym class and Drakkar Noir fumes trailed behind them like dust on Pigpen in a Peanuts cartoon. Worse, when any of the guys would pass by you, your head would be enveloped in a cloud of Drakkar, causing mortifying fits of spasmodic coughing, seriously cramping a tween girl’s style. How cool can one look as she tries to swat the noxious vapors away from her head while gasping for fresh air?

I forgot, however, that we live in ever more sexually exploitative times. While Drakkar Noir may have been a bar mitzvah boy’s ticket to hot women back in 1988, today’s Axe ads, also built with the developing male’s insecurities and desires in mind, continue to sell the idea that a cologne bath will draw sexy women to them like bees to honey. Literally.

For example, reading about Axe Shower Gel on the Axe website informed me that its easy pour spout “Ensures a manageable pour, lowering the risk of overwhelming your new shower buddies and triggering an outbreak of group shower hysteria.” Normally, I would have assumed that meant that boys in the locker room might get soap in their eyes and stumbled into each other blindly, causing homophobic panic, because how many teenagers and pre-teens are in situations leading them to shower with members of the opposite sex? Unfortunately, my naïve rose-colored view of the world was shattered when Axe also boasted that the bottle of shower gel is black because “it’s easy to lose track of your shower gel with so many ladies obstructing your vision” and worse, it was designed with an ergonomic handle which “helps you hold onto your Axe Shower Gel, no matter how slippery it gets. Or how many ladies are pulling on it.” Unlike in the Drakkar days, when reeking like a cologne factory could pull in a lady, these days boys are supposed to aim for multiple women. Charming.

Maybe I am overreacting, I thought. How about Axe deodorant? Surely, it is impossible to lead young men to believe that deodorant will get them laid. Ah, silly me. “Axe Dry helps to keep you from sweating while simultaneously getting the ladies hot and bothered,” reads the tag line on the deodorant’s informative webpage. You will also be reassured to know that the company’s “product designers say that Axe Dry’s suggestively shaped bottle was a happy coincidence.” I squinted at the picture. It looked like my bottle of Degree - or any other solid deodorant for that matter - which I will unhappily now associate with circumcised penises. In fact, it also looks just like Axe Deodorant Stick, which the website explained has a “base pivot turning thing” (um, don’t they all?) and that “A quick twist gives you more pit protection. Designed for fast mini-skirt removal.” What?!?! Where the fuck did that non-sequiter come from?

The nine Axe scents are all categorized by what type of chick you want to get to fuck you. “Clix” is “because the mating game is all about figures. Spray it on, sit back, and count your clicks.” (No worries about being a slut if you are a guy! Fuck away, friends!) The woman pictured with this scent says, “I threw out those dirty magazines under your bed – and got you new ones.” How thoughtful.

Another jaw-dropping scent (not due to the scent itself, of course) is “Phoenix.” “This bold scent embodies the male spirit… All that’s left to do is rise to the occasion,” the copy reads. (Insert your Beavis and Butthead chuckle here.) The all-American girl pictured with Phoenix intones, “I don’t mind paying for dinner – I know how expensive video games are.” Score one for the independent feminist and a guy who is secure enough to let the woman pay.

“Voodoo” scent has a picture of a woman and the line, “I know six kama sutra positions where you can still face the TV.” And finally, “Kilo,” which is good to wear when you want to “teach her how to rub things together to start a fire.” Here our female representative kindly offers, “Hi… Okay, that’s enough foreplay.” Egads. Does anyone else feel nauseated yet?

For a truly disturbing misogynist time, visit the Axe Archive, which provides links to downloadable “scoring” games. I played the shower gel game, described thusly:

Are you ready for the hectic life of an Axe Shower Gel guy? Test your skills by playing our simulated shower game.

An attractive woman will buzz your apartment and ask to come up. In the time it takes her to reach your door, you must get rid of the evidence of your last escapade – you dirty boy you!

Complete all three level of difficulty and no matter how dirty you get, you’ll always come out clean.

In the first level, I removed: a porn mag from the bathroom floor, a video camera trained on the shower, a bottle of alcohol from the tub, and assorted pieces of lingerie. I also replaced a dirty towel with a blue one and a pink one that read “His” and “Hers.” I was rewarded when my hot babe arrived and complimented me with, “You’ve done a number on the place. You gonna do a number on me?”

On the second level, I wiped handprints and maybe butt or boob prints off the steamed shower doors, put away a woman’s shoe, removed a cheerleading costume and lipstick from the sink, and put down the lid to the toilet seat. Alas, I could not figure out how to close the blinds so that the guy peering from his window across the street with binoculars could not see into the bathroom. Unfortunately, I did not clean it up enough, and my hot babe insulted me. After trying several times, I never figured out what the hell else to clean or how to close the blinds, so I never advanced to level three. (If someone else does, I'd love to know what happens.)

Another game was called “Pin Your Date;” the title alone is cringe-inducing. In the game, I was supposed to pin a corsage (whew!) on my buxom cartoon date while her parents watch and insult me. I tried my best to pin it on the thin straps of her dress, but instead kept jabbing her with the pin while she screamed “Ow!” Interestingly, when it tried to pin it into her boob, she purred at me and smiled. Yeah, I'm fairly sure I would react that way if a guy did this to me. Right.

What scares me most about the Axe campaign is how damn huge the site is. I spent at least an hour and a half watching videos, playing games, and learning how to pick up hot babes. (Granted, I was taking notes – for BlogHer.) And I have not even touched here upon the Axe product campaign for a soap that “washes away shame from a questionable hook-up,” which warrants its own separate post.

Axe is proudly produced by our friends at Unilever, whose website notes that it won awards for their Axe ads. (What is creative about commercials showing men leeching on women? I'd love to someone to explain this to me.) Speak up and tell them its time to ax Axe’s vile attitude that women are basically animals in heat and should be treated as such. (And stay tuned for my upcoming thrilling review of Axe Snake Peel soap. I read this shit thoroughly so that you are spared the full agony.)

Suzanne also blogs about unseemly topics at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants