A Sink Full of Dirty Dishes To Be Cleaned

How did I get here?  With my 24th birthday soon approaching, I can't help but to think a piece of my youth is not dead, but hiding.  It all started when I moved back home from Memphis, TN.  Shortly after I met, married, and had a beatiful son with my now husband.  I sit here at a job that I am lucky to have in these hard times, but know that it will take me nowhere.  I'm trying to juggle school, a new baby, work, a household, and my sanity, but it seems as if my sanity tips the scale and it's the first to go. 

It's important to take a day out for just you and your husband.  I hear this often.... we have to be strong together so that our family can stay strong.  We do take days out to spend together, but it usually ends with me talking to the women, him talking to the men, and then him passing out in the recliner when we get home.  Since our relationship blossomed so fast, sometimes I don't even feel like I know my husband.  I love him, but I don't know him.  He has another life I know nothing about.... the life before me.  At first, it intimidated me, but I know he loves the baby and me so much that not much seems to get to me anymore.  Don't get me wrong... he's a wonderful husband and father.. but at night, he usually just turns his back to me as I quietly remind him (trying not to wake the baby,) "I love you."... "I love you to, hun," he says.  I believe it. 

Anymore I usually initiate any romantic time that we may have, which is once a week if we are lucky.  After having a baby 12 weeks ago, I look into the mirror each morning and hate myself.  I was always an average sized girl.. never skinny, never fat, but for the majority of the time, I liked the way I looked when I had a tan, a new outfit, and my makeup and hair done.  Now?  No... not now.  Now I look in the mirror... these bags under my eyes, pale, sickly skin, and 20 pounds that cling to me like an unwanted friend and I don't even look like the same person.  Usually, I just think... I will never know what freedom is again.  I'm bound to this mundane life of dishes, laundry, work, school, spitup, unromantic love, and a disgusting reflection. 

I don't usually get down on myself this bad.  I take that back... I used to.  Before I moved to Memphis, I was depressed... family issues that I won't get into, lost loves...Memphis freed me.  When I had to move back for financial reasons, I was happy to meet my husband and lost in a world of marital and baby bliss.  I just got a message from an old friend from facebook telling me that he thought of me when he heard this song the other day, Cath by Deatcab for Cutie.  Mind you, I don't listen to this type of music, so I had no idea what he meant.  After listening to the lyrics, it basically says, "You did what you had to do... If I were you I would've done the same... Something about my hand-me-down wedding dress...Smiling for the portraits like a person holding a crying baby." etc..... It made me feel pitiful.  It brought back all of the old feelings of insecurity I had before the bliss.  And today I realized what my life really was.... I love my husband and I love my child, but I am losing myself and I don't know how to stop it..... My biggest fear:  One of these days I'm going to wake up and not have a dream...just a sink full of dishes to be cleaned. 


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