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To say that motherhood changes things would be the equivilant of saying hitting yourself in the head with a hammer would hurt. Of course things change. One of the aspects that can be hit the hardest is friendships. When you become a mother and your friends are still single or child-free, it can put a strain on a friendship. At best you find yourself trying to defend your lifestyle at worse you find your friend has "broken up" with you.
Mary Tsao of Mom Writes shares with us a conversation she had with a woman she knew before she was married and had a child. As is typical of these kinds of meet-ups, the question of "What do you do?" arose. It left Mary more than a little bothered.
I found myself struggling to explain what my life was like. Her questions weren't particularly probing or judgemental, but they all led to the same general query: "What do you do all day?"
Trying to explain to somebody without kids what I do all day left me feeling odd. She wondered about my social life; did I hang out with other moms and kids? Perhaps she found it difficult to imagine having a social life once procreation has occurred. Telling her I was the newsletter editor for my mothers club sounded lame even to me. She was surprised at the fact our club has hundreds of members. Maybe she couldn't imagine that many women with children existed?
I didn't even bother trying to explain to her about mommyblogging. I just didn't have it in me.
Mary questioned all the things she should have said, the things she might have helped her old friend to understand, the things that might help her realize that her life is good. Hopefully, many of us come around as Mary did and realize that the life she has is exactly what she wants and loves.
Maybe I didn't tell her all of this because it's just not in me to brag. But it's also true that I don't often enough consider how fortunate I am to live the life I'm living.
That conversation was one (or a version of one) that many of us have had since becoming Moms. Trying to explain that what we do is worthwhile and good. That we have the life we want. Having a child or children does not change us so dramatically that we are suddenly aliens from the planet Breeder.
Then you have a more dramatic version of that situation: Being broken up with because you became a mom. And you didn't even know you were dumped! That is exactly what happened to Rebecca Eckler of ninepounddictator.
A plug on the front page of the paper caught my attention. It was about friendships between mothers and non-mothers, and how having a baby ruins friendships if your friends have babies and you don't.
So I opened to the Real Life section to read the story, a topic which I find very interesting. I could not give a crap about politics in this province, because it is what it is, but friendships and mothering? Well, of course I'm going to read it.
I almost spit up my Special K when I got to the paragraph where the writer mentioned my name and how she broke up with me when I started writing about Baby Rowan and doing my Mommy Blogger gig in the Globe and Mail.
Now, that is rather extreme (and so publically wrong!). I have been broken up with in the comments of a blog, through an instant message and of course the dreaded de-linking break-up, but never in the newspaper. But the point behind the whole ordeal is that there are just bound to be changes when you become a Mom. But does it mean you have to break up with your child-free friends?
As both Mary and Rebecca came to realize, friendships change over time. However, once a woman becomes a Mom, that does not mean she is suddenly incapable of talking about other things or having other interests that stretch beyond those of motherhood. We have lots to say. Just give us a chance before you break up with us.
Especially in the Real Life section of the newspaper. That's just rude!
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BlogHer Contributing Editor Jenn Satterwhite also blogs at Mommy Needs Coffee, Aggroqueen
