Holiday Cheer? Dealing with loss during the toughest time of year.

You have no idea how much that post meant to me. This is the first Christmas without Mom and it is harder than hell to deal with. Remembering that no one is guaranteed forever, I am working my mind and heart to cherish the people around me and not stress over the silly things like ribbons and bows. It's the ones I love that are here that will get me through. Thanks for the reminder.

~Jenn~
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BlogHerContributing Editor, Mommy and Family ( http://209.59.186.51/~blogher/?q=blog/jenn-satterw... )

I understand.

This is the second Christmas without my husband - he died August 05. He was 33, and we only had 15 years together. Last christmas was one of the hardest things I ever had to face, wanting to wallow in my grief, yet having to be strong for our 3 kids. I wanted too - needed to make it as normal as possible for them, to see them smile when we all wanted to hide and cry. I never could have done it without my family - my mom and dad, my sister, my nieces and nephews. Those who donated to us last year to help me make ends meet made a world of difference, too. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to face.

I'd like to say it's easier this year - and in some ways it probably is. The kids smile more - but with every 'holiday' movie that we watch where the dad is dead, or dies saving the world that ends with my 12 year old saying "At least she got to say goodbye to her dad." or my youngest (7) talk about her daddy as if he's just at work still and has been for a while and that means he'll be back, eventually and I have to break it to her all over again, or everytime I see my strong son, who's almost 15, try and shoulder more responsibility than he should ever have to at this age, fighting his wish to care for us all with the desire to simply be a teen - and my desire to make SURE he has time to be a teen....

All of it is killing me. I put a brave face on. I smile. I talk about daddy and how he loved this or that. I hug my son and send him out to play. I search for freelance work, as well as beg, borrow, plead with other people so that I can continue to try and scrape together the money needed for him to go on the Choir trip to Europe because he sings beautifully and deserves this chance. I tell my youngest her pictures are beautiful - especially when they include Daddy, as well as the two beloved pets we lost over the summer. I hug my 12 year old daughter, and remind her that she's beautiful, and that daddy would be so proud of all she's accomplished this year, but that she cannot date - ever. Just as he would. I accept donations where it normally would kill me to do so, but because we have no real income other then my husbands SS benefits - that leaves nothing for extras after montly bills - I swallow my pride and accept what the people around here offer.

And it kills me. It all just... kills me.

I don't sleep at night. I work or blog until I think I'm tired enough, then I watch movies in bed. Stupid sappy ones that make me cry - or rather let me cry, then sleep in the mornings. I force myself out -just to get out. I smile at strangers. I hide everything inside under some farce of strength when I just want to crawl away and hide my whole self until I can breathe again. I wonder if I'll ever breathe again.

It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. For me - it's all autopilot. I hope that someday it's not so much with the auto, and I can again take the full reigns and pilot as my kids deserve.

Cherish those around you. Remember that THEY are the real reason to celebrate. If I could have one more Christmas with Kevin, I'd be so certain to tell him so, to tell him that his love made it possible for me to get this far, that his belief that I could do anything, that I was the stronger one, that I could hold our family together is the one thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

So for me - give your families an extra hug this year, hold on to them a little longer, hug them a little stronger. They'll remember it later when they need too.

Kaleidoscopic Eclat ( http://gonfalon.org/eclat )

Lessa: I am so sorry for your loss, and yours Amanda, and yours Jenn. My fiance's mom died almost exactly two years ago...and on her actual birthday. And on the day he was supposed to start a new job (which got delayed.) It must make this time of year hard for him, but he's got that stoic thing going about it. I think it does make it easier to go on.

Anyway, this entire exchange really moved me, so I wish I had some comforting words, but I can't imagine what to say except, again, I'm sorry.

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz