Recently I had lunch with a potential BlogHer speaker. I'm in my 40s, and she is my age or older. The waiter, a man in his 30s at the outside. Asked if we "girls" were interested in dessert. We both declined and then looked at one another pretty astonished. And spent some minutes discussing it and other similar incidents.

I definitely am not charmed when referred to with little "terms of endearments."

I have noted, though, that there is a certain cultural thing where folks call people those terms, and they use them on men and women alike. I am not Southern, but it does seem like a Southern thing. And I wouldn't even call it generational, because I've seen quite young people use those terms with men and women.

Doesn't make me like it any better, but it also is noticeably not *always* about condescending to women only!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

Last night we went to my Husband's fire department Christmas party at a nice restaurant. I am the youngest wife. The waitress, a female, did not refer to any of the other wives as "dear" or "honey," but I got it no less than ten times. TEN TIMES. In TWO HOURS.

I was embarassed beyond all comprehension. I'm sure it doesn't help that I look young but if a woman is in a group with a bunch of other women, don't single her out as the youngest and thus demean her existence in the group!

GAH. Aggravating.

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog.
Now a Blogger at AdoptionBlogs - Obviously, I'm Jenna. :)

I know just what you mean Jenna.

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

Perhaps it's because I'm a bit older, but I have a slightly different take.

It is true, in the workplace it is objectionable and even actionable. It certainly wasn't when I started in the workforce and thankfully it is now. When confronted with baffoons, I find that simply stating they should never take that tone again works.

If someone uses the term Doll or Honey in the workplace that is one thing, but out in the real world I confess I tend to be called 'Hon' by 65+ waitresses as much as I do construction workers. I certainly don't think their intent is to offend or demean. I confess I now call people (both men and women) honey and darling, mostly as a defense because menopause seems to have erased names from my brain -- sometimes even my own. Perhaps a little honey isn't always a bad thing.

M My Menopausal Musings

My sister told me that when she was a teenager in the late 1970s, she had a friend in Berkeley and they sometimes would go to the Buttercup Bakery. They were waited on by none other than the yet-to-be-famous Suze Orman who would say to her, "What can I get you honey?"

(note: now my sister says she would say, "You can get me a million dollars! :-) "
- back then, she got a bran muffin...).

-Bob
bobafifi.com

usedflutes.com

fluteplayer.net

It seems that the majority of these offenses take place in retail, restaurant, and service settings.

I think employer's owe it to their customers to train employee's on professionalism, behavior, and communication issues.

Years ago, I worked in the Training and Development division for a very large retail corporation in Dallas. All new employee's (even newly hired corporate executives) we're required to attend a 3-day training program and a supervised 2-day OJT (on the job training) before they we're allowed to work alone with the public.

The Customer Service segment included training on "terms of endearment" and other objectionable behavior. The corporation was very aware of this and implemented a responsible solution.

We had an open dialog about this subject during the first day of the three day program. By the time the new employee's left, they had a grasp of the importance of showing respect.

Each employee was monitor during the training program as they interacted with customers. You would be surprised how often I had to correct them, even with the focused effort during the training process. They would sometimes stop in mid-sentence, so I knew I was getting through to them.

Remember, you ARE the customer and you have a right to express your dissatisfaction. You might not ever see that sales person (waitress, clerk, construction worker, etc.) again ... but, you might influence a positive change. It's about respect, and YOU deserve that.

Robert

Knights Valley USA
"The Ultimate Interior"

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Ever been called "honey" or "darling" by a salesperson while out running errands or shopping? You were having a pleasant interaction until they tacked on a condescending honey. It hardly seems worth the trouble saying, "I prefer not to be called that," because your two-minute interaction is probably the last time you'll ever see that stranger, and you risk offending them by responding in this way.

Usually I go ahead and risk offending said stranger by voicing (in the most pleasant tone I can muster) that I'm not "honey" or "sweetie." Honestly though, I don't get it all that much. (I guess I don't look like your stereotypical "honey," whatever that is.) Like Elisa said, it may be a cultural thing. I'm not Southern, but I have small-town roots, and it seems more acceptable there. (Rural Missouri in my case.)

Five Dollar Camera

I once looked at a waiter who had called me a "girl" and said "I am over 50. To call me a girl says that you obviously cannot see well. Could you send over a service person who will be able to see the food that he serves me please?" I smiled innocently and batted my eyelashes and watched his brain turn "girl" into "bitch", but at least he kept that to himself:-)

I replied (quite audibly) to a female clerk who called me "darling" that I appreciated that she fantasized me as her darling, but that I was sorry, but I was not gay , was involved and unable to date her. I wished her well with her next darling, though. Another approach might have been to call her "bunnytoes" or "snugglemonkey".

I say if it is an absurd remark, treat it that way.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

My family is also Southern and they use these terms incessantly. Except when they fear that the other party would take it disrespectfully. They're more cognitive of it now.

What I cannot stand, one of my biggest pet peeves, is when a woman of my age, a bit younger or older, refers to me in this manner. It's like a subtle power tug, not so much an endearing term. I don't dig it at all.

Dana
Mamalogues.com
In the St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Pop Mama
Since Eve

@ Knights Valley USA: I think the training idea is fabulous and wish more businesses invested in this. I hate being called any of these terms of endearment. If I'm there for service, not lovin'.

femilicious.com: feminist perspective
16 punches: geek blog

If you come to San jose I will take you to the restaurant that I mentioned in my comment above. I'll see if we can get the waiter to call us "girls", just to see what bon mot you come up with!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

"Ouch", "you can just call me, MC"

That's my way of politely letting someone who, with no offense intended, calls me "honey". Great for service associated situations.

I find that these days, 90% of the time, it is unintended. If, for reason I meet an intentional "honey", my response, while still polite and sweet, might be a bit more specific.

MC Milker

way back in J School my TV news director called me a dizzy dame because I got lost on an assignment I was not amused at the moniker.

As an owner of an agency in the 1980s a young employee who grew up in St. Louis called me hon. He did it once.He never did that again ( we are still in touch and often laugh at my reaction -- he thought I was going to fire him.)

Having said that, I have also been called to task for saying "You guys" during a facilitation that was 90% female-- I offended. I started saying "you guys" when I moved to Minnesota from Virginia because saying "y'all" in Minnesota is about as politically correct as saying "Hon."

I changed the "you guys" to ladies and gentlemen. It felt silly but the audience was happy.

elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

It's interesting that so many people think that if someone doesn't intend to offend you, that their behavior is automatically excusable.

I always like to give people credit for their good intentions, however, it doesn't really matter a whole lot if someone didn't mean any offense. If they say something offensive, then they ought to know about it. If they meant no offense, that's all the more reason to tell them about it: to help them avoid offending others.

Informing someone that you don't want to be referred to in a particular way doesn't have to be a harsh confrontation. It can be something as simple as "Thank you very much for being so friendly, but I actually prefer not to be called ________. You can call me Atena, though."

There is a power dynamic at work when you call someone a name not of their choosing, whether the participants are aware of it or not, whether they intend it or not. It may relate to age, territory or any number of insecurities. Don't doubt it - naming is powerful, and in the most casual of circumstances, anyone can be made to feel small.

In order to be respectful, we have to be intentional, whomever we may be speaking to. Carelessness (i.e., she says that to everybody) doesn't lead to respect.

I say pick your battles, yes. But also let people know if you find their behavior toward you unacceptable. Your silence is your consent. Just make sure that your comments toward others are as respectful as you would like them to be toward you.

Atena

Assumptions, Biases & Irrational Fantasies

My Life As a Radical Whore/Madonna

Well, now we have a few posts about responding politely when we are insulted by a careless or deliberate phrase of diminishment. Sometimes, that is just dandy. Sometimes it makes it all seem way tooooooo serious. I say to use common sense. There is no sense in swatting a fly with a howitzer, but sometimes making everyone (including the person offending) laugh a little, eases things.

Wait until those of you who are not 50, turn 50 -- then the waiters start saying things like "And what would you young ladies want?" Or you are introduced as being "56 years young". If you think you are offended now, just wait -- there is so much more in store. Sometimes, to get through it all, one just has to laugh, or occasionally get a bit snippy.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

and not that I can add much at this point (and I am proscratinating on Xmas duties) but I think a polite "I would prefer or please call me Marianne" for the unintentional works just fine...having said that, I agree wholeheartedly with Atena about silence being consent to the unacceptable, so speaking up is important.

Additionally, some of the not so endearing references ARE cultural, regional, gender specific etc....but as we get older (and we all do regardless of culture, race, gender etc.) we will all be subjected to the kinds of things that Mata mentions and of course worse; sometimes the complete disrespect and disregard for the elderly.

My elderly mother and I frequently laugh when doctors and bankers and other professionals that we might be talking to about her affairs address their questions and explanations to me. Laughing at them, dilutes the effects of what could be hurtful.

There is noting wrong with my mother's cognitive abilities...and I always politely tell them that the decisions are hers. Then they speak in a louder voice to address her...there is also nothing wrong with her hearing; my hearing is much worse than hers.

Marianne Richmond
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