As some of you know, my darn mother fell to the patriarchy and got married last week. One of the reasons they had been using for NOT getting married was the name change thing.

My mom did chang her name when she married my dad in 1962. When she divorced 23 years ago, she didn't change her name back - she'd had that one for so long, longer than her maiden name, there didn't seem to be a point.

So when she and her long-time partner started talking about marriage, she didn't want to change her name. She wanted to keep her "first marriage last name" and her s/o did not like that idea at all. This was a sticking point, and I figured they should both change their name to something totally different. They considered it but in the end, he kept his name and she kept her "first marriage last name".

Marriage, far too complicated! Sheesh.

~Denise
Fast Times @ Homeschool High

I'm glad your mom stuck to her guns and kept the name that she preferred. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

I like that you covered all angles. So many times on this issue you only hear the all or nothing views, yet, it's such a personal issue there really isn't one right way.

I personally, changed my last name, not because it was the "right" thing to do, or because we had to be a family unit in that way - but because my maiden name is that of my biological father's and I can count on one hand without using all my fingers the times in my life that I have had contact with the man. It meant nothing to me. It wasn't a part of me in any way.

I've known my husband since my late childhood and he is my family, the person to whom I am closest. He is a part of me, it felt like his name might as well come along with him - since it does mean something to him.

It works for us, we're happy.

Now, if I had had a cool last name or one that meant a lot to me, I'd have definitley petitioned for family-wide hyphenation. ;)

Thirty-six years ago not changing my name was a deal-breaker that almost broke the deal. I was determined - and still have the same name I had then. I thought hyphenating wasn't fair to kids learning to spell their names and cumbersome besides. But that was me. Like you, I've met women with great reasons to do so: One was remarrying after a crummy divorce and wanted to ditch the name she'd taken so long ago, another swapped her husband - she'd change her name; he'd wear a wedding ring (his family usually didn't.) So I'm not condemning the idea.
I always recall though, running into a college friend in Manhattan when we were looking at schools with our toddler. She walked up to me and said "Do you remember me? I used to be Nancy (last name)." I was thunderstruck - this was how I saw the issue from then on. I just didn't want to "used to be" anyone.
Each of our boys got two middle names - a "name name" and my last name, but used their dad's last name as their own. I was delighted to discover when I was with one of them, filling out a form with room for only three names, that he left out the "name" and kept mine. It was a great feeling.
Once my husband was teasing me about our early stresses over my keeping my name. I asked our younger son, then about 11, what he thought. His reply: "I don't think I would WANT to marry anyone who wanted to change her name."

Diana -- I've heard (and read) that a big reason for someone deciding to change their name is because they weren't attached to the one they'd originally been given. It makes a lot of sense!

C Samuels -- I think it's great that you didn't change your name back when the pressure was on (even more so than it is today). I loved that part about not wanting to refer to yourself as a "used-to-be," and also what your son said (at 11 years old!) about not wanting to marry a woman who didn't want to change her name. What a great man! :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

I changed mine and I don't even think much about it. I have a lot of friends that didn't change their names (mostly ones that got married when they were slightly older and established already) and a lot of friends who hyphenate, and I am fine will all of these things. It was strange for a week or two, but I don't regret doing it. The thing that was the biggest hassle was changing my social sercrity card and drivers license. Oh - and frequent flyer miles.

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Sarah and the Goon Squad
Draft Day Suit

I think most who knew me (with the exception of my parents and my spouse's grandmother) would have been shocked if I had. I was 29 when we got married, Tim and I had been living together for several years; to me (to both of us) our wedding was a public declaration of our love, not a change in roles or identity.

Our children have hyphenated names (neither of us being willing to compromise on that front) and it doesn't seem to be a problem. If our children choose to pass on only one of their names to their kids (to avoid a series of hyphenated names) that will be fine with us.

My oldest son (8 years old) enjoys playing with his names. When he writes short stories or comic books he uses his Dad's last name (he thinks it sounds more authorial). When he and his little brother were play-acting a visit to the vet, my oldest introduced himself as Dr.-my last name. I don't get the sense they find this confusing at all.

Thanks for an interesting post.

laurie
www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com

I, too, doodled surnames of beaus (and aspired to, but never really were, beaus). I never really processed what it might mean, the impact that it might have to actually change my name. When, seemingly against the odds based on my track record, I was proposed to and accepted, I didn't give it a second thought. For me, and I make no sweeping generalizations here, for each relationship is so unique, but for me, the name change was the ultimate declaration that I was making a commitment for keeps. I changed my name and have never looked back. Recently a co-worker said, "Mott, Amanda Mott?" and I nodded, "That was my maiden name." The woman who mentioned it is a tough old bird and she said,"Huh, Mott. I like that." I smiled and said, "I do too." And for me it is still a part of me, something that I am proud of, and though it is no longer on my checks and credit cards, it is no less who I am.

And, by the way, I love your new smiling photo. It suits you.

Amanda Magee and Amanda Mott

When I was first married, I kept my maiden name as my middle name on my driver's license and continued to call myself Karen Griffard at work.

I finally took on my husband's name (believe it or not, it is Putz) when my first child was born.

Today, my last name usually brings on a chuckle everytime I tell people that I married a putz.

Karen
"Life is too short to pout all the time."
A Deaf Mom Shares Her World

I thought I'd throw my two cents in here. When my husband and I got married, we decided we wanted to have the same last name, but we're both young and very nontraditional thinkers so we weren't set on the idea that it had to be his. As it turns out, his father was abusive and he wasn't close to the rest of his family on that side so we eliminated his last name first. After that we thought about going with his mother's maiden name, his grandfather's middle name, my mother's maiden name, even made up names. During those months of debate, he became closer with my family and eventually we both decided that we liked the idea of using my last name. My family is close and by this point he had essentially been adopted by them. The decision has served us well and neither of us regret it at all, but it's amazing how many people are surprised, outraged, confused, or just plain stupified by our decision. Not to mention how many people felt it was there place to comment on it at all.

Monkee
www.monkee.typepad.com

I just can't understand why I would change my name when he doesn't change his. Granted, it's a personal decision, and I love that people come up with creative solutions, but for me, I'm not starting a marriage by sacrificing my identity to his - which is what it would represent for me.

Maybe when 50% of men take their wive's name, I'll change my way of thinking.

Great post. :)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess, The SexySmart Blog, and On The Lot.

I've always thought that if I ever get married I'll keep my last name but I can see many of the reasons above for changing your last name are very valid.

When I had my son I gave him 2 last names though - his father's and mine. I didn't hyphenate them and the only name his 2 last names appear are on his birth certificate. I did this so that when he's an adult he can adopt the 2 last name strategy, keep mine or adopt his father's. It will be up to him. Currently we just use my last name as his.

Semantically driven and Safari suit

I changed my name. I can't say that I really agonized over the decision. I went from a very distinctive Irish name to a name that sounds French, but isn't, neither in origin nor spelling.

Spanish-language cultures have, for a long time, maintained the mother's and father's name in the children born to them. I think, correct me if I am wrong native spanish-speakers, that the mother's name is listed last.

Whatever your name is, your identity is more than your name. If you know who you are, you can make it in life..even if your last name is Putz! :-)

Wheat Among Tares

Interesting discussion. When I turned 25, I dropped my family name. I didn't want my husband's name, nor my father's, just mine. Simple as that. I have been using my middle name since, with my third name functioning as the initial. My parents gave it to me; no one could object. Some didn't didn't like it, but the most trouble I got was a few jokes about entering the Witness Protection Program. Never looked back. In fact, I wish I had done it when I was 18 as originally planned, but I respected my dad's wish to wait until 25 (he thought I'd grow out of it, but years later, too bad).

Great article, colleague.
This is a subject that has always concerned me. Or I must say, "intrigued" me. I kept my full name when I was married and never thought of changing it. I would never even date a guy that ask me to do that.
My name is my identity, my personal history, my family bonds, and I don´t see the point in changing it. None of the reasons of some women (including a very modern, professional, Swedish friend of mine who did it, to my great surprise) convince me, I'm sorry.
Best wishes, from Spain.

L

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
http://blogs.periodistadigital.com/carpediem.php

It's so great to read about the different choices people make when it comes to their name. I've really enjoyed reading everybody's comments. I love how everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but the one they ended up making is the one that works best for them. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

I changed my name the first time I got married, then went back to my maiden name after we divorced. Now, in my second marriage, I kept my name and my husband is perfectly happy with that (I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't) - he says he doesn't need me to take his name so he can claim "ownership." We're partners and neither of us asserts dominance over the other.

That said, though, I have thought about changing my name when we have kids. It's such a PITA to show that you're the parent if your last name is different. I've had that issue with my stepdaughter many times. So I don't know what I'll do when we have kids. I like the hyphenated idea, but my husband's last name will die out if his daughter changes her name. So if we have kids, I would like his name to continue.

Lola (Becky)
http://misspriss.org

I kept my name when I got married 26 years ago -- it meant a lot to me to retain my name, even if it was my father's. My parents weren't too happy with it; it really was the only argument I had with my mother! My in-laws kept mum, but I suspect they weren't too pleased either. When I told my sweety that I wasn't going to change my name, he said, "Well, I'm in love with Mary Wise. I don't know anyone named Mary Flynn."

I think I fell just a little deeper in love with him at that moment.

The Blog: Red Nose
The Book: Girl Clown

When we got married - not changing my name, at least between the two of us was understood. A non-topic, barely discussed at all.

HOWEVER - I have a very strained relationship with my inlaws, to the point where I barely interact with them at all. They don't know I didn't change my name. My partner in crime is not particularly inclined to tell them either - stating that it will just cause trouble, and more trouble is something we can't afford between the four of us right now.

So now I'm having the inlaws-finding-out nightmares at least once a week. I can't shake the feeling that the longer we go without them knowing, the worse its going to be when they do find out.

I've already sort-of lied about it to her - at the wedding - she had asked me whether my new name would take some getting used to...feeling cornered, and not wanting to start something in public I responded by saying I wasn't going to have that problem at all.

Maybe she'll google my screen name to an attempt to find more dirt on me and find this post
(Hi there, Mother in law!) so we don't have to tell her at all.

But eventually, one way or another, she will find out. And when she does - it won't be pretty.