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A new book says that praising your child too much could possibly do more harm than good. The book is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Developmental Psychologist and Stanford University Professor Carol Dweck. Her research indicates that too much praise can make your child fear failure or not work hard enough, and she suggests it's better to praise effort such as "hard work" or "strategy" and not genetic attributes like intelligence.
Journalist Po Bronson explores this phenomena in his New York Magazine article "How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise," from which the following small excerpt is taken.
Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that he’s smart. Not just from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact with this precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten, his intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reserved for the top one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required. Thomas didn’t just score in the top one percent. He scored in the top one percent of the top one percent.
But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomas’s father noticed just the opposite. "Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at," his father says. "Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’" With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.
In my own life, I attempt to be realistic with my children about their strengths and weaknesses without being too hard on them about their shortcomings nor too effusive about their positive traits. Still, I notice that my son will give up sometimes when he can't learn something quickly.
And when my daughter was in high-school (she's 26 years old now), sometimes teachers expressed concern that she didn't put forth enough effort and called that "cockiness." For her it meant the difference between a grade of "B" versus "A." My daughter participated in the gifted and talented program. I'd have talks with her about being too self-assured. However, unlike my son, my daughter works harder when she suspects a skill does not come to her naturally. Perhaps her tendency to press on is the result of her being profoundly deaf in one ear and moderately so in the other. Without hearing aids, she's pretty much completely deaf.
I've been trying to promote perseverance to my son and have always pushed that it's hard work that pays off. When my children have done well on tests for which I suspect they did not study, I would give a mini-lecture about how important it is to study regardless and that one day laziness will bite them in their behinds. Well, you know how much children looovvveee lectures. Despite best efforts, I know I've made mistakes with both my children and pay for it sometimes.
I didn't adopt a policy of not overpraising because I'm a parenting genius. I adopted it because I've observed my own life. I was a child to whom academics came easily and who was applauded as being smart. I am also an adult who deals with fear of failure and sometimes fear of success. Learning the hard way that hard work has a better pay off, that a sense of accomplishment is a wonderful thing, and false pride is crippling, I've thought about how not to pass my dysfunction in these areas on to my offspring.
This Does Not Mean You Should Never Praise Your Child
We've heard it said that "You can never praise your child enough," and so, I know some of you out there will think that this "new" psychology of success flies against building self-esteem. It doesn't really because it's not saying don't ever praise your child, but rather find better ways to praise your child, ways that will build character as well as boost self-esteem and make a more balanced individual.
Personally, I've been suspicious of giving undue praise as a way to "build self-esteem" because I think humility is a virtue, and I did wonder how will a child learn to do better if the child's made to feel
