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Guilt: The Mommy Kind and the Work Kind
by Jennifer Satterwhite

I will admit that I have always been thankful that I have been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the last 14 years. I wanted to be with my kids. I loved having them home with me. (Though, admittedly, the preschool/part-time years were a nice recovery break.) I will also admit that when asked "What do you do?" I always heard myself reply, "Nothing. I just stay home with the kids." Nothing? Nothing? Isn't that sort of the equivalent of when being asked, "Are you hurt?" replying with, "Not at all! I just broke 7 bones, severed a finger, have a concussion and need 174 stitches." Staying at home is not NOTHING. When talking to other women who worked outside the home, I felt a mixture of guilt that I did not have to work a 9-5 job quickly followed by shame that I was not working outside the home. Guilt for being a stay-at-home mom.

Then I was introduced to the world of being a work-at-home mom. If I had a dollar for every time I was told (in any variation) that it must be nice to work whenever I want to and drop things at a moments notice to volunteer/drive the carpool/take trips/go to a movie etc., I could retire today and live off of the bountiful plenty that question has earned me. Admittedly, my schedule is more flexible than someone who works a 9-5 job outside of the home. However, I still WORK. I can just do it in my pj's some days. Because I honestly cannot drop everything at any time, I have been tasting the bitter flavor of Working Mom Guilt. (Personal opinion: Blech!)

How many times have I had to turn away an offer to go on a field trip because I have a looming deadline? How many times have I had to say, "Just a minute, honey, I have to finish this today" when one of my kids asks me to play with them? What about that gut wrenching dilemma when you have to choose between going somewhere that would be a great leap forward for your job, but to do so would mean your child would go without something they needed or more importantly, you would miss that Big Event they have been looking forward to sharing with you? What do you do? I mean, on one hand, you have been looking forward to grabbing onto this awesome experience for your job and meeting new people and networking. On the other hand, you have your child looking at you asking you to please be there for this Big Event that means so much to them. The kicker? You have a choice. Neither one is mandatory. Now choose. And do it guilt free? How?

I feel guilty. I get anxiety attacks. I lay awake at night and try to figure out how to clone June Cleaver to help me out at home and Murphy Brown to help me out at work. (Yes, I know these are fictional characters! Don't forget I am lying in my bed trying to clone them. Does the fact they are not real actually matter?)

My point is this, motherhood is laden with guilt. Am I doing this correctly? Was that the right choice to make? How do I give them all they need and still hold back enough of me to survive? This working guilt is all new to me, yet as any good guilt will tell you, it is still strong enough to keep me awake at night and wonder how I can possibly do it all and no one suffers. And IF someone is going to suffer, how to limit that to myself and not my children. So far, I have zero answers. All I do know is that by working, I am helping my kids. By helping my kids, I am being a good mother.

And that really is what I want most.

Some other great women have some great things to say about working mom guilt.

So Called Super Mom had a great post about her dealing with her guilt issues.

The "what about me" guilt creeps in when I decide that yes, Grace will have a babysitter because I need to be with Me. You know the me that goes out for happy hours or on fun holidays or even just to get my nails done. The Me that I forget about. What sucks is that I only realize that I forgot about Me when other people start forgetting that I am still Me, with a kid but still Me in need of friendship , fun, and sometimes just an ear to listen...

...And so, the Mommy Guilt isn't just about working in or out of the house. For me, its about trying to find a balance between my "Mom Life" and Me.

Tela at Working Moms Against Guilt puts it brilliantly when she states:

I found that last bullet point to be pretty interesting. As a writer I have one of the most easiest jobs in the world from which to "work from home," but it's not exactly looked upon kindly at my office. A lot of people, for some reason, feel you have to be in the office, sitting at your desk to be a viable team member. Why? Not sure.

So if I am doing the math correctly, I felt guilty for staying home with the kids and not having a job and now I feel guilty for working at home with the kids. Next up maybe I will see about working outside the home and really try to amp up the levels of guilt. I am sure my pharmacist would love me even more than she already does for my anxiety ridden medical profits I make for her.

My Mom always told me that anyone can pack your bags for a guilt trip, but only you can decide to go or not.

Trouble is, I can never resist a good trip.

BlogHer Contributing Editor Jenn Satterwhite also blogs at Mommy Needs Coffee, Mommybloggers and Aggroqueen.

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite (view blog) on Tue, 03/27/2007 - 6:11am
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Comments

 

Guilt By Isolation

Part of the problem, I think, is that in these isolated days so much of their survival and formation rests on our shoulders. We lack a community of others around our children -- and us -- who would also lay down their lives on our children's behalf. Instead of asking our neighbor if I can list her name on the school's emergency release form, we should exchange a promise to cheer for, weep over, laugh with, and celebrate each other's children.

Submitted by Mitali Perkins on Tue, 03/27/2007 - 06:26
 

Isolation by choice or the nature of the job?

I agree with you, that it is very isolating being both a stay at home mom and a work at home mom. Is it the nature of the job that we have or can we change it? Oh great, now you made me feel guilty about it! KIDDING!

I do completely agree that we need to start letting others around us keep that isolation at bay. At least, I know I do. But I am so social by nature, not being around people withers me up.

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers
BlogHerContributing Editor, Mommy and Family

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite on Tue, 03/27/2007 - 06:47
 

One just can't win at this

One just can't win at this motherhood thing. I've said this before, and I'll say it again..."Damned if you do, Damned if you don't (work that is). I've tried both and feel the guilt doesn't go away, it just shifts. I felt guilty when working b/c I missed so much with my kids, now I feel guilty NOT working because they can't attend piano lessons and tennis lessons and all the things I could have paid for but wasn't available to take them to when I was working. Gasp, it's just exhausting, all this guilt. We do are best and spend our nights worrying that our best isn't good enough...
~cce @ http://www.madmarriage.com

Submitted by cce on Tue, 03/27/2007 - 07:30
 

Transfer happiness and self confidence to
kids, not guilt

One of my most influential teachers at school believed it was a village (community) that raises a child, not an individual.

I took that at a very simple level then to mean that it was the other adults in my life that had a responsibility to be good to me - my tennis coach, music teacher, family friends, parents' work colleagues etc.

Now as an adult I understand that it is for the benefit of the child AND the parents. If a parent feels they are the only one responsible then they are going to feel isolated and troubled by it.

I came from a very normal middle class background. The thing that has made the most difference in my life is that I was well loved and knew it, felt it.

If my mother ever felt guilt about working and having to say no to me for something I never knew it and I would hope she never did. How could she raise a healthy, well rounded, emotionally intelligent individual if she was feeling bad, feeling guilty, beating herself up? Wouldn't that simply transfer to the child? Wouldn't that be a waste of opportunity? Transfer happiness and self confidence, not guilt.

Contray to popular myth having everything isn't about having everything.

Kids don't need to have their mother's world revolve around them, they need to feel secure and well loved. Kids don't need heaps of money spent on them, they need adults to communicate on their level and to be heard.

Do we need to have everything? What is everything anyway? What about figuring out what you need and what you want and figuring what point is over consuming and over demanding of material things and emotional issues?

My mother taught me to count my blessing, not how worried she was about different things at different times. She is and always has been her own woman and I am my own woman. We are both good women. I am proud of my mother and thankful I haven't been her sole definition (there is so much to her I would have been crushed if I had been her sole focus!).

I know my parents didn't always turn up to tennis matches and sometimes they did but what I remember and value most are the conversations in the car when I felt equal and heard.

So celebrate our children, celebrate our own individuality and be kind to yourself. Let go of guilt and all other harmful negative emotions and celebrate counting blessings and joy. Think of what lessons this will teach our kids and make a choice; blessings or guilt.

Smiles
Belinda


Creatively Belle - Jewelry and Earring Holders

Creatively Belle Blog

Submitted by Creatively Belle on Tue, 03/27/2007 - 20:31
 

As long as your happy...

We can't win in public opinion no matter what we do. So I think we have to do what makes us happy. If you are happy working at home and you think your kids are adjusting OK, then that's great. If you're not happy, then stop. But part of the problem is that we're always looking for the right answer of what we should/ should not be doing, when, we should just be doing what we instinctively feel is right for us and our family. It's totally personal, I think.
http://selfmademom.net

Submitted by sarafisher on Wed, 03/28/2007 - 05:58
 

guilt

mothers are so smart like that.

Therapydoc

everyoneneedstherapy

Submitted by Therapy Doc on Wed, 03/28/2007 - 16:21
 

Weight

I work 9-1 in an office and 1-5 from home 4 days a week along with another full day from home. I have guilt about 20 hours a day, seven days a week. The other four hours I sleep fitfully and have nightmares about the stuff I don't worry about while awake. I don't think anyone prepares us for the shift that happens after motherhood. I thought I wanted a career, then I realized I needed to know that I was spending more time with my child than a sitter. I needed to mold and guide them. I needed these things like I needed food and water. Everything changed and somehow society suddenly felt absolutely entitled to comment on decisions that before they never would have commented on. I gave birth to a child, not a neon invitation for people to comment on how I might be failing as a parent, spouse and human being. I wish we could all be a bit more forgiving about the approaches we take as families and individuals in our lives. Isn't it a pretty reliable fact that the way we punish and judge ourselves is far greater than that of other people? How about a little slack as we try to navigate the totally unfamiliar waters of raising a child? I know I am just trying to figure out how to achieve that ephemeral state of feeling balanced, satisfied as a woman, mother, wife and professional, so that I can contribute the greatest amount in all the arenas I feel pulled toward.

Sigh. Maybe I'll work on teaching my girls acceptance, of others and of themselves.

The Wink
Tumble Dry

Submitted by mama2bna on Thu, 03/29/2007 - 08:56
 

Make your choice and enjoy

So, here I am, with two toddlers under 3, a full time working mom and a stay-at-home dad. Yes, looks like I got it all. Still, I am the first to admit that I work because I like it and my hubby and I made the decision that I was the one and only breadwinner in the family. For the first couple of years, there was always guilt, despite the 'close to perfect' set up of having my spouse take care of the kids (and not having to send them to daycare and worry about them all day). And then, one day, just as my husband was about to go nuts from a day with the kids, we realized that we could make it work with a 50/50% partnership. So, mostly, when I come home at night, I'll take over the kids (feed them, play with them, get them to bed) while my stay-at-home dad takes a break. Then, after the kids are in bed, the kitchen is cleaned and other 'home work', it's time for us, the couple. We also go out every other Saturday as a couple, and what a difference it makes for me, him and our relationship. I walk a fine line and the balance doesn't always work, but this solution has brought some 'guilt free' living to me and my family and helped improve our quality of life.
Now, my neighbor, stay at home mom to a 3-year old in preschool, is constantly complaining to me about 'not having enough time' to herself (after coming from yoga, an hour massage and a day off from her child). Ah, I am not a complete stranger to the stay-at home mommy/working mommy war, I admit. But then, I have to be happy who I am and I made my choices with work, with kids and the partner I chose. So, all in all, I just enjoy day-by-day.

Submitted by skainz on Thu, 03/29/2007 - 09:09
 

Be happy

I second the notion that we have to do what makes us happy. If you are happy working then continue to do so. But if you're not happy, then stop. The problem is that we let society decide for us what we should/ should not be doing. However, we should personally be responsible for what we feel is right for ourselves and our family.

For those parents with school aged kids, here's a useful site, schollparent.net. The site provide sign up templetes for activities, field trips and school fundraising. You can request an invitation if you like to join. Schoolparent.net is a free site.

Submitted by cfelchlin on Fri, 03/30/2007 - 13:57