Jenn - I haven't been to Pamela's site yet, but I'll check it out. I'm not on either side of this "experiment", but it still resonates for me. I haven't had children yet, and fear that I never will...a result of a personal situation that has never really come together to support having kids. My relationship luck sucks, and I'm adamant about providing a good environment for children in all ways - but emotionally most of all. I don't feel I am a good candidate for single motherhood, which is the "solution" that is always offered to me whether I ask for one or not. ; )

Facing the possibility that when I finally do find the right situation that I'll be past the age where it's possible to have kids biologically is scary. It's difficult to see that happening for my friends and family and not for me, but I have to remind myself that it's NOT ABOUT ME when it happens for them. I've just ended up on a different path. Still, it's definitely a sense of being "sidelined" that I struggle with, although I haven't suffered the medical struggle of trying and feel so sad for those women who do.

That said, I do think it's possible to be happy for someone - a friend or loved one, especially - and not feel happy about your own situation. That means you need to take care of yourself in the ways that are necessary. Not being able to handle a shower, especially if you've lost a child, is perfectly normal (and not only because of those horrible games and all the crepe paper.) I find them difficult enough as it is. Had I suffered a horrible loss or been through the wringer of trying to get pregnant without success, I'm really not sure I could do it. The support of other women is often the thing that gets us through, though - we just have to be in the right place to receive it.

Thanks for posting this. Laurie

lauriewrites

I've thought of these things, thoroughly, as a birth mother who now faces severe complications carrying a pregnancy to term. I have had some fascinating conversations with my (placed) daughter's mom about the topic. I think that, perhaps, without my kidney disorder (which is the complication causing suckiness), I might be less able to process some of these thoughts. Also, our miscarriage last summer brought a lot more of the issues that surround infertility to the forefront of my thoughts.

Women can always learn from one another.

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog.
Now a Blogger at AdoptionBlogs - Obviously, I'm Jenna. :)
- The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

We went through two and a half years of infertility before we had our first son, at a time when all of our friends were getting pregnant without any trouble, and, in the case of a grad school friend who had a specific time line for her pregnancy, according to plan. Friends tiptoed around, waiting to tell us they were pregnant or apologizing when they called to announce a baby's birth. It made me sad, not because we didn't have a child but because it was such an issue to our friends who DID.

With our second son, though, we conceived easily, without really trying--and then realized that many of our friends were struggling with infertility (in some cases, with secondary infertility). And while these friends knew that I was sympathetic--I had been through it, too, after all--they steered clear of my pregnant self because, I know, it was hard for them to see me expecting when they were not.

I never wanted infertility--mine or anyone else's--to be the insurmountable barrier in a friendship. But sometimes it is.

BlogHer contributing editor Susan Wagner writes about fashion at Friday Style and everything else at Friday Playdate

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what that has been like for you.

With my first son I got pregnant right away. I was really surprised because my mother had 8 miscarriages and my aunt had a stroke when she delivered her first daughter. I then assumed that it would be easy to get pregnant the second time. I got pregnant right away again and then had a very early miscarriage. I was upset about the miscarriage and I began to panic that I had secondary infertility. A good friend of mine had gotten pregnant with her third child right away and if I hadn't miscarried our kids would have been born just days apart. I was happy for her, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was jealous until I did become pregnant again. I am troubled by Pamela's social experiment; asking how a woman who knows what it is like to have had a child would handle secondary infertility while those previously infertile became pregnant is one thing. To ask parents to imagine a world in which their children suddenly disappeared as if they had never existed is a very different question that raises emotional issues far beyond the question of what it is like to be infertile.

A. Elliot

Infertility has been a part of my life for about 10 years now. The hope for a surprise baby is waning as it seems increasingly unlikely. I have attended baby showers, but I have also skipped one for someone who wasn't a close friend when I was feeling especially sensitive about the subject. It is hard to be in a sea of babyness and mommyness with conversations I can only pretend to understand.

I wish we had relatives close to us because I most regret the lack of any child in my life. I grew up an only child and my husband's siblings haven't had children. So far my mothering instincts go to my cats. I tell myself that there are other ways to be creative and sometimes that is enough for me.

MsUrbanLotus
Marriage in Process

Thanks, Jenn, for sharing the link to my social experiment. I welcome your readers' participation. I'm glad its leading to some discussion here. I do have one small favor to ask of your readers and it requires a cut and paste only. You see, those of us with infertility find it painful to spend time in the mommy blogosphere so please leave your comments *both* on my blog as well as Jenn's otherwise your insights may not cross the bridge I'm looking to build. I'd like my readers to hear what you have to say, too...

I'm sorry for your loss...that is a terrible thing to go through. I normally by-pass baby showers for co-workers or distant relatives or acquaintances and just send the new mom a cute baby gift basket. At the same time though. I really dont want to make any of my close friends uncomfortable about their own pregnancies just because I cannot conceive, so i try EXTRA hard with my closest friends to be happy for them and always be available for them during their pregnancies and afterward. I know my friends would be there for me if the tables were turned.