To Have a Crush

I think if you admit your crushes out in the open then they have less power. It is okay to look now and again it is only normal and to deny that is to deny being human. But, if there is no chance for an affair keep on looking.

It's not necessary. Crushes often result from a limited knowledge of the other person—if you already knew that person warts and all, you'd be less likely to develop a crush (not saying it's impossible). You already know this woman pretty well, so you may have short-circuited the crush.

Conversely, just because a person satisfies everything on your list doesn't mean she's a good match. I don't think there's any way to express that essential chemistry between people in list form, but if the chemistry ain't there, it ain't a romance.

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but do you two have “a list” of famous people you are allowed to sleep with if you get the chance? or celebrity crushes?

i think those kind of crushes are innocent and can have those kind of beneficial impacts on relationships that the article cites. i also think it’s possible to have those same kind of silly harmless crushes on people you know in real life. for instance, there’s this guy me and my friends know from going out dancing, and he is the world’s cutest dancer! no, seriously he is just the most cutest thing ever. i don’t want to date him or anything but my friends and i can’t help getting all crushy over how cute he is. my partner knows this, but also knows that i have no interest in him beyond being dancing acquaintances. it’s all very harmless.

but ultimately i guess the way i think about it is: it is it really realistic that people in long term relationships will never ever feel the slightest attraction for anyone else? i can’t believe that JG has never gone to the gym (or somewhere!) and seen a cute girl that he was attracted to. so the real issue becomes not whether there are women he’s attracted to, but what action he takes as a result, such as flirting with them or letting you know that he thinks they are attractive.

i really don’t have a problem with harmless flirting or being open about being attracted to other people. more importantly, though, i don’t see what the point is in NOT being fine with that. what am i going to do, be the flirt police? i wouldn’t want my partner to feel like he has to restrict his social life or hide his feelings because of my insecurity. i think it’s more about compatibility in relationships than “high expectations” — it’s good that RA and JG agree on this subject. as long as both partners see eye-to-eye on this issue, that’s all that matters.

Janet Kellman, software reviews ( http://rbytes.net/software/ ) manager

Like it or not, we often look to others to help us validate our feelings about ourselves (hopefully not for the big things). It's a wonderful thrill to have a man or woman flirt with you — I wrote about this in Girls, Get Your Flirt On, ( http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2007/03/girls_g... ) more from a single perspective, but it's important if you're married, too (maybe more so!)

But, and this is the big but that Bill so wisely says, it's what you do with that, and if you act on it, well, then it's no longer a flirt or crush. It's an affair. Same if you are getting emotionally attached — emotional affairs are just as damaging to a relationship. The idea of a flirt or a crush to expand your loving relationship and add to it, not detract from it. And that comes down to your character and boundaries. If you're unhappy in your primary relationship or in a vulnerable place, don't do it!

I didn't mean to make it sound like you never indulge in crushes...I know that's kind of impossible, right? Just that you try not to.

You guys are definitely right: it's all about what you do with your crush, not just the fact that you have one.

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You are right Bill. And a crush is more than just noticing how appealing someone else is. The key here is what is done with the crush. Unfortunately I have seen too many crushes become so titillating that the participants edge things closer and closer to the brink -- after all, not having can be so much more sexy than having sometimes. And the edges get progressively rationalized, and redrawn. And the borders can shift from idle amusement into big trouble. I think the important question to ask myself if I am in a relationship and in a crush with someone else at the same time is "What is #2 offering that feels so different from what I am experiencing with my SO -- and what can I do to experience what I desire with the man with whom I am committed?" I think it can be very helpful to see the crush as a sign that I may be running a quart low in the home-satisfaction department. But indulging the crush as anything but some frivolous piece of nonsense instead of heading back home to figure out what is going on is almost like putting a car in reverse in order to move forward. At least that is my opinion. YMMV.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

It's not actually a question of 'right' or 'wrong', because it's not something you have a choice about... the crush itself, that is. The only choice you have is how you respond to the crush.

You can't stop yourself from being attracted to someone other than your SO, but you can have the fortitude and character to live up to your word as you gave it to your SO whenever you became BF/GF with him or husband/wife.

--
Bill Cammack
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I feel a bit misquoted here. Amethyst does indeed indulge in crushes as a married woman. I just feel a little guilty about them, whilst intellectually knowing there is nothing to be guilty about...

I've known a few married women who are chronically 'crushing' on men who aren't NOT their husbands. It just seems interesting that these women are all rather unhappily married and would probably act on the crush if there was some return interest. So far no go. But isn't this how affairs begin? It's one thing to notice another person's general attractiveness or vivacious spark but to start planning one's time at the gym to coincide with a crush's fitness routine seems a convenient way to avoid thinking about what's wrong with one's own relationship.
I guess the danger or dysfunction of a crush depends on how one defines the word "crush" in the first place.
~cce @ madmarriage ( http://www.madmarriage.com )

I believe that it is completely unrealistic, and totally narcissistic, for a woman to expect her mate to never, ever, ever again be attracted to another woman, for as long as he lives, just because he made a commitment to that woman. You cannot tell me that women do not develop crushes, even after marriage. I know I do. I think it just enhances the relationship, and can bring some spice to anyone's sex life. Some folks really need to get over themselves.

I've been married 24 years.. and I still develop crushes. They can be fleetingly brief or last a lot longer. Usually my crushes motivate me to do something I'm unwilling to work on on my own. They act to fill the gaps between what I bring to my life, what the spouse or other friends can supply and what I need to be complete. (and no I am not talking about anything sexual).

My crushes tend to be guides and teachers in my life. Some crushes become friends, some quickly fulfill their role and drop out of my life. These are relationships that help me grow into me.

Debra
A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com )
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