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Forgiveness is a big thing. Every major religion sees it as central to their spiritual path. And it is tough. It may be easier if someone is clearly repentant, and the wound is not large. But when someone is at all defensive or when the issue at hand has gotten national media attention, things start getting complex. With all the attention on Imus, I found the attitude of the Rutger's coach, C. Vivian Stringer, to be amazing. She said on yesterday's Oprah show that the point of meeting Imus was twofold -- first, she wanted him to meet her players and their families as real people, second she wanted them to meet him as a real person. Last night that meeting took place. Not everyone involved is talking about it, but here is an astonishing quote from Coach Stringer printed by the AP:
Stringer said no one affiliated with the Rutgers team called for Imus to be fired. "We are in the process of forgiving. We have accepted his apology. We still find his statements to be unacceptable, and this is an experience that we will never forget," she said.
"These comments are indicative of greater ills in our culture. It is not just Mr. Imus, and we hope that this will be and serve as a catalyst for change. Let us continue to work hard together to make this world a better place.""
I find statements like that moving and hopeful, in the same way I am blown away by The Forgiveness Project. One of the founders of this project is Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who has this to say about forgiveness:
To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.
However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too.
I do not think forgiveness wipes everything away as though it did not happen. I do not think it means that people should leap into harm's way. And Coach Stringer is right to call it a process. Wounds do not heal overnight -- especially when everyone in the world seems to be picking at this one.
One thing I understand about forgiving is that to forgive, one decides to not live out of the wound, to not let the pain fester, to not think "getting even" is even possible, let alone desirable.
There is a big difference between revenge and justice. Part of forgiving is to hold someone accountable, just as Ms. Stringer and her team did. Forgiveness takes courage, faith, willingness.
Her open spirit, her willingness to listen and to stand in the center of the storm, and her courage -- well, today she is a heroine in my book. I am so glad that the Rutgers women have her as a coach, and as an ongoing spiritual support as they move forward.
