Parental alienation: Enough blame to go around

I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY. I HAVE COME ACROSS THIS BLOG AND WANTED PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND A KIDS POINT OF VIEW
My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website. But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.

When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.

After years of abuse I often wondered why she put up with it. I saw and heard alot of things. I was also old enough to remember alot of it. To my brothers I was the best big sister. When they where scared I reassured them. When they where happy I smiled. I took alot of heat to keep that promise of a sister to them. They where the happiest part of my childhood. My mom after many years finally got the guts to leave. He tricked her and said she would get us and he would leave. But it was all a lie. I cant stress enough my mom never LEFT us. But we where led to believe this.

I would watch this strong man fall to the ground in tears so I could hold him to tell him everything would be ok. I started getting angry with my mom. Little by little I heard when I was little my mom was a prositute, she cheated on him, she left all of us, if she gets you I ll never see you again. Ill kill myself was his all time favorite. I could go on and on about all the things I heard about my mom. I all of a sudden started to feel loved. I was the daughter he needed me to be. I was the new caretaker in the family. He needed me. I started to hate my mother. I never noticed I was being BRAINWASHED. Why is she hurting daddy? where my thoughts. I was lost, confused, torn. I felt wanted and unwanted all the same time. I was becoming his therapist being told things a daughter should’nt probably hear. My mind was racing with thoughts. Keep in mind I was old enough to remember all the things that happened before the split. Even with all this memory I choose him. He would set me up to get info on my mom when we visted her steal notes listen to phone conversations anything that he could get on her. Even when he said they should talk she would come over and he would without her knowledge tape the coversations. This situation was not normal. He wasnt normal. But I saw it all and still I choose him. The game parents play with the what did mom/dad say about me is emotinally crippling to a child. we feel torn in your web of manipulation. Stop!! As a parent its your job to care for us. We trust you because you are the parent. Its a PRIVLAGE. I got to a point that I felt like I was going crazy but I hated my mom his plan was working and in full force. We where emotinally kidnapped from her. Thats what PAS is. The only way for me to describe it is we are pieces on a chess board the parent keeps moving us pawns but we will never hear the words “checkmate” because we dont know we are playing this game. He is mad that my mom wasnt coming back so we where the revenge. Most parents love their children so whats the perfect punishment for this us the children to be with held. Espically when they made the mistakes in the marriage to begin with.

I became one with his mind, his emotions until I finally thought what he thought. I felt what he felt I hated like he hated. I think this is confusing to other parent but we are now robots there is so much involved with this. Its a skill I tell ya. I eventually all of a sudden was getting material things that I never got before I was allowed to go places and do things I was never allowed to do before. This is all part of the plot. To a child getting all these things is great. But it serves a couple of purposes 1. I can do these things
that the other parent cant. 2. Your mom always didnt want you to have it
3. To keep you off track of whats going. This does happen dont be fooled more often than you think. I fell into this. It all part of mind control.

This is ultimate betrayal to the child and we are so warped in the mind we dont know it. It carries into adult hood it lingers like a dark cloud. It crushes the internal spirit of childhood with hate and enraged anger toward the victim parent. Its a punishment we dont deserve but we live. He made me believe he was the victim. He was wounded. Its all about him. he transformed my life there is much more to this story. As anadult I carry this weight. I eventually was thrown to the curb by him when I guess I was no longer needed. But for many years until recently his words come to mind and I think was he right knowing full well that my mother is none of the beastly things he had me believe. I became an angry person with walls so built up around id never let anyone in. I would not be vulnerable to be hurt. My moms and I relationship has been rocky and has needed alot of work but now shes my best friend, supporter, hero, and most important loving mother. I carried a burden of a broken marriage of hatred to another person it has formed me to be who Iam today finally letting go some of the pieces trying to fiqure out who i am without hurt.
If you are able to make contact with your child take it slow dont rush even when your heart says now. They have walls they where trained that way. They have anger they where trained that way. they where in hatred boot camp for many years. If you push to hard they will get defensive and you’ll start from scratch if ever. They as much as they say NO they want you they want to know they are loved it sounds sick but its in there somewhere. but DONT PUSH. They are controled by a force thats webbed around them they just dont know it. They are hurt crushed lost and tramatised. They might say awful things to you I did to my mom. Things that will break your heart and they know it will buts the anger the brainwashing the robot inside of them. I asked myself even when my relationship seemed good was he right. The mental thoughts are scars but scars heal. It takes time. There is hope it might takes days months even years but what comes around goes around. I have loosened my grip on the hold this man has on my life. At times I still feel abused by him espically since I dont have my brothes. I love my mother and Im grateful to have the relationship I have with her. She has a heart of gold and never desirved any of this all she did was say enough and for this shes payed the highest cost. The thing she cherishes the most was taken from her motherhood. My brothers are still locked into this betrayal i havent seen them in 17 years. I miss them and love them. My mother has not seem them either. I once was the alienator now Im the alienatee. It hurts. I did nothing wrong neither did my mother.. Its also not your childs fault they are the true victims of all of this. Please pray that my brothers will find their way home to the place where they are missed and loved…..

Remember PAS is child abuse. You have read just a glimpse of my heart if you have any ?s let me know. This includes parents that want to know about a child point of you. A person that has been the victim achild or adult that needs to talk your not alone I feel your pain. Everyone. If you are reading this and you are the person causing PAS to a family please read and reread its never to late to turn things around because later you might be the one standing alone. Its hurting the kids more than the victim parent.
Chrissy ~Survivors Not Victims~ ctyofangels@comcast.net

First, since this is the first time I've blogged here, I hope I am properly citing information below. Links were cut-pasted directly from the URLs to provide the exact formats. I tried to use reputable sources to maintain some level of neutrality in providing information. This is a touchy subject and I have very strong opinions about it, but it is through fact that I will express my feelings.

Having returned to college after a 32-year "summer vacation", I recently did a paper comparing domestic violence/abuse in the U.S. with a middle-Eastern country. The research led me into several tangents, one of which was PAS. I read a lot about the so-called theory presented by Dr. Gardner.

It's important to realize that, during divorce, the children are drawing their own conclusions based on what's being said and done by both parties present. The PAS theory tends to discredit their experiences and observations as well as the fact that questions of domestic abuse often arise once the decision to divorce has been reached. Often, prior to that, the "secret" was kept quiet for any number of reasons.

PAS has been denounced by the APA. Subsequently, the manual used by judges nationwide for determining custody, entitled "Navigating Custody and Visitation Evaluations in Cases with Domestic Violence: A Judge's Guide," revised 2006, states that PAS has been discredited. The manual defines the five forms of domestic abuse as
"physical, psychological, emotional, financial, and/or sexual"
(p. 8 of the manual).

This link provides the entire 43-page manual in PDF. http://www.ncjfcj.org/images/stories/dept/fvd/pdf/...

Neither the American Psychological Association nor the AMA have recognized PAS. The link below contains other informational links which you may visit if you want or need more information on the subject. http://www.gate.net/~liz/fathers/pas.htm

The manual acknowledges that domestic violence often goes unreported. This is also confirmed by the American Bar Association's own statistics, found at this link: http://www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html

In some cases, the claim of PAS may be "substantiated" by methods wherein the accused manufactures "proof". For instance, mail can be deliberately misdirected so that when it is returned, the sender has "proof" that an address is no longer current, etc.

If a claim of domestic abuse is legitimate, the question of PAS can cloud decisions as to investigation. This can prove harmful to those who have been abused.

There came a point, not long after my divorce, when my oldest son accused me of not buying him what he wanted. The boys' father refused to pay full child support which created financial difficulty for us. The accusation cut me to the quick because I was giving everything I had.

One day, I laid out all my money on the dining room table in two piles - that which I earned and what came in in child support. I then took away amounts for each bill I needed to pay. It ran out long before I completed the list. Then I laid out the amount that was supposed to come in from child support and took away what actually came in. I then subtracted more expenses from that.

Some would disagree with my method, but I needed to show my sons that every bit of money I had went to pay for rent, food, etc., and that there was none left over for "fun" stuff. In fact, some of the important stuff wasn't being covered, either. It was my way of trying to help my son understand the truth and more importantly, help him with his anger and frustration.

Many single moms spend a great amount of time and emotional energy covering for the absent parent while ending up dealing with a lot of anger that they don't deserve. I feel that being truthful and not making excuses was the best way in my case. I thought that if I made up excuses and they found that out later, they would end up questioning everything I ever told them.

It turned out that my sons learned that what I told them about life was pretty accurate. When it came to giving permission to do something or not, I could ask them this question: "Have I ever told you to do something that would get you hurt or into trouble?" They could answer "No" without reservation. When I withheld permission, I explained why. And they knew I wasn't just being arbitrary.

We all get along. They may not agree with some of my decisions at the time, but are comfortable expressing that. They are 21, 19, and 17, so I am very grateful for the respect they show me. They know I respect them, too.

Thank you for the wonderful post. I agree with all your points. Although I have no personal experience with divorce in my famliy, I have witness family turmoil and breakup between husband and wife and parent and child. My husband's sister just finalize her divorce and it was painful to watch the breakup and breakdown of seven years of marriage. The children suffered and trying to cope. I wish and hope that both my sister-in-law and her ex will realize that they still have responsibilities toward the kids.

For those parents with school aged kids, here's a useful site, schoolparent.net. The site have resources and tools for school activities, filed trips and fundraising.

My mother made excuses for my abusive father, her ex, for seventeen years of my life. As a result, I thought that there was something wrong with me, the child, that prevented him from loving me.

After years of therapy and a phase of my life where I took out my anger on every man who had the misfortune of knowing me, my mother finally saw that yes, enough WAS enough. She told me the truth. The truth as I knew it, lived it, saw it. That was what helped me. You're totally right - it's the parent's responsibility to maintain a relationship with the child because they are the PARENT.

I also saw parental alienation in action within my own family. It tainted not only the father-daughter relationship, but prevented a blended family from ever truly "blending."

Yeay for baggage! Great post.

Dana
Mamalogues.com ( http://www.mamalogues.com )
In the St. Louis Post-Dispatch ( http://www.stltoday.com/mamalogues )
Pop Mama ( http://www.stltoday.com/popmama )
Since Eve ( http://sinceeve.clubmom.com/ )

My children, first my daughter and later my son who is much younger than his sister, eventually challenged me and accused me of making excuses for their father. So, I stopped defending him. I want them to have a better relationship with their father, but I finally accepted that's no longer my responsibility. It's his.

Excellent. Totally agree. Unfortunately, it took me awhile to figure it out. :-)

~Denise
Fast Times @ Homeschool High ( http://fasttimes.clubmom.com ) and Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net</a )

Here's the section of this blog post that I cut because the post was too long:
Fathers vs. Mothers
I hate discussing divorce and issues like parental alienation because with 50 percent of married couples getting divorced now you can be sure that many readers bring personal experiences to the table that prevent them from being objective in discussing some aspects of divorce with other adults. We can all point to some sob story, our own or one of our friends, or our boyfriend's nightmare, our new husband's horror tale, or new wife's escape legend; we've all heard these tales of woe where a divorced spouse blames the mythic beast he/she once loved for the downfall of happiness. We can all take a side.

The reality is few marriages fall with only one person kicking the foundation, and when children are involved, for the sake of honoring those children that you both brought to this planet, insanity must be cast aside. And this is where I throw up my hands. I'm just a blogger. I don't have any solutions for the misery of divorce and children angry at fathers and children angry at mothers and mothers angry at fathers and fathers angry at mothers.

All I know is we'd better get our acts together because if we can't figure out how to make peace within our own families what hope is there for nations?

I left it off because the post was long and I was getting pretty mushy.

I didn't say parental alienation doesn't happen. I think it's pretty clear from some of my statements in the actual post that I believe some mothers use their children like pawns. In fact one of my sections is entitled "Alienation of parental affection."

My problem is with people using Dr. Richard Gardner's research to back up their claims about "parental alienation." His research is faulty and his ideas about pedophilia and incest suggest the motivations behind how he drew his conclusions should be questioned. Usually when someone uses the phrase "parental alienation" they do so because they've encountered Gardner's work directly or someone else who's a proponent of Gardner's work. I don't have a problem with people who have a specific case and untainted evidence of parents behaving inappropriately. I think each case should be considered on its own and not clouded by the ideas of a man who seemed to distrust women in general.

"Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/2007/04/april-is... ) And here's a link to the blog ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/ ).

While I agree with you that not all custodial parents are out to turn their children against the non-custodial parents, from personal experience I can tell you that parental alienation is a real thing.

I'm a custodial parent and I'm married to a non-custodial parent, so I get to see both sides of this fence. My daughter sees her father in the best light, I've worked hard to keep it that way. She loves him, loves his new wife, enjoys a healthy relationship with him, his extended family and even her extended family. We have blended well, with the occassional, expected speed bump.

My husband has not been as fortunate. His ex-wife was his "friend" until he met me. For the first three months of our relationship she loved me. Told me how grateful she was he was dating a mom. Then we got married. She started to cool towards me. My husband began to want to be more involved in his sons life. She started to accuse him of trying to take control. So he backed off, trying to respect her wishes. The I got pregnant. She accused him of abandoning his son. What followed was a year of hell. It ended with my husband and I spliting. After three months I became seriously ill and almost died, it brought things into stark relief for my husband and I and we worked through our differences. His ex-wife's exact words were, "If you go back to that woman, you will never see your son again."

It will be three years this May. Do you know what the courts have done about it? Nothing. Not a damned thing. She stood in front of my husband, his son and myself and said, "Your father has a new family now. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you." Whenever he tries to call, she won't answer. If he tries to go to the house, she calls the police and threatens to have him arrested for harrassment.

And the family courts do nothing. Oh, they'll have him cited for harrassment if he tries to enforce visitation, but they won't do anything else.

My husband even went so far as to go to counseling, family counseling, with his ex-wife. They went to three sessions, the counselor started asking what the ex-wife could do differently and that was the last session.

This is not an isolated thing, either...it goes on all the time. And the courts do nothing. They slap the custodial parent on the wrist, say "don't do it again" and then it starts all over. And the whole time, the child is left wondering where the non-custodial parent is.

Now tell me, if that's not purposeful alienation, what is it?

As a divorced mom of a teen, I can relate to a lot of what you say, .

My kid's dad and I generally get along great, but of course we both do things that piss each other off. And the kid, 14, has learned how to play the angles as a certain amount of communication falls trough the cracks. I don't fall into that game, saying, "You need to address that with your dad."

But recently the kid told me that he hears me put down his dad from time to time, and I wasn't even aware of it. Like when I mumble in frustration under my breath to myself. Women do that much more than men, according to research by Dr. Warren Farrell (www.warrenfarrell.com ( http://www.warrenfarrell.com )). You better believe I am a lot more careful now.

And for some thoughts on how kids feel about their lives, please read the SF Chronicle www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/04/25/MNGELPF0E71.DTL&hw=teen+survey&sn=001&sc=1000">Link today. Interestingly, 600 California teens say family disintegration is their No. 1 concern. Think about it

Wow....I can totally relate to just about everything you said in this post. My ex-husband spent ten years fighting me in the courts, saying he should have full custody and making up lies about me. Of course that is exactly what he said he would do if I ever left him.

It seems to me that the fathers that really have the best interest of their children at heart...are the ones that don't claim to be the better parent, and don't fight for custody for no other reason than anger. I think I even read somewhere recently that it is proven that abusive men will almost always fight for custody...but when a women tells the court the man is abusive...the court will often side with the man. It really makes no sense to me.

Catherine Morgan
Women 4 Hope ( http://women4hope.wordpress.com/ ) and Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself ( http://catherinemarie.wordpress.com/ )

The Junky's Wife ( http://www.thejunkyswife.com )

I really enjoyed reading your post. While it's quite different from anything I'm relating to in my experiences with relationships because I don't have children, I applaud your self-protection when you talked about how you neither criticize your ex to your children nor go out of your way to teach them to respect him. In dealing with my husband's addiction and talking to other women with various relationship issues, I've noticed that learning what is and is not our battle to fight seems to be one of the biggest issues women have. Way to know what's yours and stick to it!

I've said in other blogs that my ex threatened to sue for custody but then dropped it. My attorney said to me, "Believe me, your husband doesn't really want custody."

I hadn't heard that before about abusive spouses being more likely to seek custody. But when I remember that most abusive types are into control, then it makes sense.

Some fathers would actually do fine with custody and genuinely want it because the mother is not very motherly.

I'm glad I'm not a judge because whenever one parent wants full custody I'm sure it means there's a problem somewhere. One of the parents should have limited visitation and it may not immediately be obvious based simply on who requested full custody.

This tendency by the courts to assume women are lying about abuse is really disturbing. Attorneys will even question bruises and accuse women of self-inflicting injuries and sometimes judges will buy it if the attorney's good enough and the man accused "doesn't look like an abuser." Unfortunately some women do falsely accuse men, but I think it's telling that so many judges, who are often male, would remember the one case out of thousands where the woman lied and use it to be suspicious of every woman no matter how credible her story. It's like they believe all women are liars but men do no wrong.

An attorney told me that the county where my divorce case was heard favored men. What can you do about that except nod and go in praying?

"Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/2007/04/april-is... ) And here's a link to the blog ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/ ).

Thank you for the comment. All kids try to play the end against the middle, but my teen hasn't done that with this divorce. He's been in some serious pain, but he's started to show signs of recovery.

When I tell either one of my children, the adult or the teen, "you need to address that with your dad," it's about serious stuff that concerns how they feel about their father personally, not anything light like obtaining a new possession or even something a little heavier like a life choice. They aren't close enough to their father to ask him about anything light. He's not involved enough in their lives for everyday questions or life-changing questions. I'd notify him of anything serious going on with my son, but my daughter's told me she doesn't want him to know anything about her life.

I tell them to address their father when they come to me with complaints about his character (concerns I won't mention in public) that I can't address with them without either spouting platitudes through gritted teeth that I hope my son, especially, can't see.

I tell them that they need to address their father because I hope one day they do and I hope one day he has the courage to talk to them about the stuff that really matters. Maybe then they'll have a relationship. In the meantime, both have seen counselors off and on.

Mumbling. I know what you mean about that as well as talking on the phone. The custodial parent has to learn to get out of earshot if she/he has anything honest but unkind to say about the other parent or if he/she wants to share true feelings about the other parent.

I knew family disintegration was a major issue/fear with my son before the divorce. I can tell he's still concerned that perhaps what's left of this family--his mother, his sister, and himself--may fall apart. He's starting to feel secure; I see that, but I hope he learns that while family is important, knowing yourself and acting with integrity and compassion is more important. I can't promise him he'll always have family. I'm ill. His sister is her own person. His father's unavailable and both children have learned that they can only count on their father to do what the courts require him to do. I can't promise him he'll always have family. Those are the facts of life that I avoid sharing with him. I hope I can teach him how to live in this world with inner joy despite outer circumstances.

I meditated yesterday on how much the world has changed. Once most of my extended family was in one place, New Orleans, La. Today it's more scattered than ever. The world is changing rapidly. The biggest gift we can give our children after love may be to groom them for adaptability and to learn how to work with people of all types who they only met minutes ago. Even if we raise them in stable place, that stable place may vanish.

"Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/2007/04/april-is... ) And here's a link to the blog ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/ ).

I was in a county that favored men too. I hate to say it but...I think the fact that most judges are men is a big part of the problem.

Catherine Morgan
Women 4 Hope ( http://women4hope.wordpress.com/ ) and Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself ( http://catherinemarie.wordpress.com/ )