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I have been dating my new beau for almost three weeks now. We are full on into the getting to know you – movies, music, philosophies, habits, dreams, desires.
He’s great. It’s great. And I’m insane.
Every night I go to bed blissful, and every morning I wake up anxious. The intensity varies, but basically I wake up afraid he’s going to turn on a dime and go away. Or that he'll pull a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. That the other shoe will fall.
This happened to me once, albeit over the course of a week. I met someone, and it seemed amazing. He was really into me; I was really into him. On our second date, a waitress took one look at our faces while we were talking and walked away to give us 15 more minutes. He asked me out four times in one week, and then inexplicably freaked out - Like actually dropped a facade and freaked out while driving me home. It felt too intense; it was going too fast.
And I'd like to say that he dumped me on my ass, or that I dumped him on his ass, but instead I let myself be strung along for another ridiculous month. Once I'd committed to the fast jump in, it felt impossible to flip myself around in midair.
But what I'm experiencing here is still an irrational anxiety on many levels. For one thing, if the whole thing did fall apart, I’d know it was for the best and that I’d be OK. Rationally, I know that. I'm finally in a really good place with who I am.
It’s irrational, also, because when I look back to the previous time spent with him, there’s honestly nothing real driving my feelings. One would hope my opinions about the movie “Crash†are not a dealbreaker. And honestly, it's exactly the opposite. It's bliss.
That's what's really going on. I wake up every morning and one thing I know for sure is that this one's going to hurt hard if it goes away. And then I can't breathe until he calls, or sends a text, or sends an email - whereupon my anxiety instantly disipates like a dandelion blown into the wind.
By my exhale.
And I wonder... Well, I think... That maybe this is a good thing, this bit of crazy. I think that maybe, it's a very good thing.
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess and On The Lot.
