Get your head out of the sand: Covering your financial back is not only about divorce

May 04, 2007 by Nordette in Career

Economic dependency issues are not all about divorce. Do you fully understand your own financial situation? In part one of this post, I talked about Jeffery Barehand, a stay-at-home dad, and his anxieties about not being in the workforce. I also discussed the highly-hyped "mommy wars" and referenced a thoughtful opinion piece at The Washington Post called "The Mommy War Machine." It mentioned Leslie Bennett and her book The Feminine Mistake, another voice in the debate about working outside the home or being a full-time, at-home parent.

Some women, sensitive about the stay-at-home vs. career choice, hear any discussion about women taking financial responsibility for their own lives within marriage and immediately start spitting bullets. They seem to think such discussions are scare tactics aimed at women to push them toward working outside the home in fear that their husbands will divorce them. I'm divorced and struggling financially, but I don't think advising women to take charge of their lives financially is only about divorce.

I agree that it's harmful for married women to wake and sleep wringing their hands in fear that their husbands will divorce them. However, I also agree that it's harmful for women to assume palimony, alimony, child support, and community property will all come to their rescue should they end up divorced or that they will somehow be spared a life crisis. I've been through divorce and it's not what you see on TV or hear about from Hollywood. I watched a man to whom I'd been married for more than 20 years hide money. He got away with it to some degree.

A Husband's Only Human

What I find weird about this discussion of women accepting responsibility for their personal financial futures is that folks focus on divorce as though divorce is the only means by which families break. Divorce is not the only tempest that may trouble family waters. Husbands get laid-off and sometimes do not find jobs for a long time, or they find jobs for less money and fewer benefits. Husbands may get injured and be declared disabled. Husbands may walk off for the legendary pack of cigarettes and not return. Husbands may die and not have adequate insurance. Husbands are human and therefore may succumb to any number of human frailties.

The wife who does not take responsibility for her financial future is not only her own worst enemy but also the enemy of her children whether she knows it or not. I hope people will read that statement carefully and not go into blowhard mode about working vs. not working. That statement is not about working outside the home.

That's right. I'm not saying run out and get a full-time job if you don't need more money to make ends meet. I'm not even saying get a part-time job. I' saying don't stick your head in the sand and assume you're the one guaranteed to live happily ever after.

What's wrong with a little crisis management planning?

Planning for a life crisis doesn't draw the crisis to you as I think many fear. It puts odds in your favor that should the crisis come your chances of survival increase. I don't need to go biblical to illustrate this point or bring up childhood fables. Just think Hurricane Katrina. Most New Orleans residents knew they lived in a bowl, knew one day a Katrina event was coming, but some people never prepared, didn't want to face it, and so they perished. Some are still perishing. (Boy, that almost sounds like a church story.)

I'm inclined to believe that worrying about a potential crisis but not planning for it is giving life's hardships the hammer to beat us easily. Also, based on what I've been hearing about anxiety and what I know from personal experience, facing a fear is always better than hiding from one.

I'm not talking about anyone making a major overhaul to her life. I'm talking about the same thing the Boy Scouts teach: Always be prepared, and maybe these questions will help.

  • If you volunteer, what's wrong with ensuring that through your volunteer work you learn some marketable job skills that can be documented?

  • If you have marketable job skills, what's wrong with keeping them sharp in case you need to find work?
  • What's wrong with keeping your resume up-to-date?
  • Does earning money always mean working outside the home?
  • Why let anyone box you in?
  • Do you have some nagging fears about financial security? Does it bother you when people suggest you be more practical about your personal future?
  • Does it bother your spouse if you have extra money? If it does, you should ask yourself and him, "Why?"
  • What do you really know about your family's finances?

    Nothing I've said here challenges a strong marriage. If you feel these ideas threaten your marriage then I have no qualms telling you that your marriage is already in trouble. Being prepared and being afraid are not the same thing.

    Voice of Experience

    Again, it's not all about divorce, but since I've been through one, let me share what I've learned: Do not assume that the courts will protect you if you end up in divorce court. Yes, certain laws are on the books that sound good, but enforcing them when it's time to feed your family may be another matter entirely.

    I also will tell you that I was married for more than 20 years and say without reservation that when you hear people talk about the courts favoring women, they are grossly exaggerating. If the woman is given leeway that leeway usually relates to child support. Child support goes when the child grows up, and alimony is not always permanent.

    Furthermore, no matter how many stories you hear from men about their buddies who were crucified financially during divorce or how many movies you see where the woman makes out like a bandit in her settlement, the truth is that women as a whole do not do better than men financially following divorce. The gender gap is real in finances and it does not favor women. (PDF article on divorce statistics and economics).

    One more time: Taking responsibility for your financial future is not only about divorce, but if it were then please listen to Barehand and see it's not you against the feminists or you against working mothers; it's you being human and considering that life could throw you a curve ball. Will you catch it, dodge it, or will you not be wearing your helmet as it hits you upside the head and knocks you out cold?

    My mom used to say, "Bright people don't always need to make their own mistakes to learn lessons. Bright people can learn from the mistakes of others." Women who've faced financial hardship after divorce, after the death of a husband, and other family crises keep sending out warnings, telling of their mistakes and advising others how to avoid them. Nevertheless, young women keep making the same mistakes because they don't believe hardship will come to their doors. I don't know why that is, but if you choose to learn more about being financially responsible while married, then try this site, wife.org.

    Also, blogger Mary Tsao recently wrote a piece that gives excellent tips that will help you keep your head out of the financial ostrich hole at her blog Mom Writes. She said my first post on this subject inspired her.

    More proof that this is not only about divorce: Here's advice from Suze Orman answering the question "What happens when an unemployed mom turns 65?" Finally, wet your feet further with BlogHer CEs over at Business, Career & Personal Finance.

    Blogger's Last Note: I would never malign the ostrich!

    It's a myth that ostriches are fearful birds who stick their heads in the sand when danger approaches. Animal educators ask, "Would an animal who did this survive very long in the wild?"

    There is one interesting ostrich behaviour that comes close to burying their head in the sand. When ostriches feed, they sometimes lay their head flat on the ground to swallow sand and pebbles. The hard grit helps them to grind their food in their crop. From a distance, the ostrich looks like it’s burying its head in the sand. (Source)

    The poor ostrich is one more victim of stereotyping.

    Update, Saturday, May 5: Nina Smith's posted "Ten Money Questions for Nordette Adams." I completed the interview last week before I finished this blog post. I'm not a money expert. I'm a post-divorce, struggling mom, which is why some people may find Nina's piece enlightening. Nina, however, is a money expert.

    Nordette Adams' personal blog is Confessions of a Jersey Goddess.

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    This is an excellent post Nordette, and so true...

    Catherine Morgan May 4, 2007 - 1:16pm

    This is an excellent post, and so true. There is a lot less to "fear" when you are just a little "prepared".

    Catherine Morgan
    Women 4 Hope and Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself

    Damn I needed to read this post!

    debra roby May 4, 2007 - 2:29pm

    I am the one who controls the finances in our house. I know what is coming in, where it's going, what it earns and how to find it. My husband does not.

    I am trying to teach him how not to be dependant upon me because it's likely (hell, probably) that I won't always be around to enable his ignorance. It would just be wrong to leave him drowning when I could teach him to swim.

    Still I am not prepared to take full independant control of my own financial future. There are steps I need to take (mostly listed above). And I guess I need to take them soon.

    Thanks for a great post. I need to go back and work my way through it a couple more times.

    Debra
    A Stitch In Time
    Deb's Daily Distractions

    Deb, I used to do the day-to-day finances

    Nordette May 4, 2007 - 3:19pm

    I managed the checking account, knew what went on with the mortgage, credit, day-to-day stuff.

    I seriously doubt you'll face a situation like mine, but I'm telling more about my situation in case there's anyone out there who needs to hear it. All it took for me to go into the Twilight Zone was for my ex to divert his paychecks and his bonus money (a check for more than $30K) to his personal account. Suddenly the household account had no money, and I had to go to court to prove I and the children needed money.

    Married or not, the courts considered his paycheck to be his paycheck, and I as his wife was not automatically entitled to half, as some women seem to think. Years of marriage, quality of life, actual bills that needed to be paid, none of that was assumed true by the court based on our cohabitation. Everything had to be proven as though it had never happened. A chill goes through you when a lawyer looks at you and says, "Technically it's yours, but you'll go broke trying to get it." or "Technically it's yours, but it will take a while to prove it."

    We shouldn't live in states of distrust; yet, if you're ever drawn into court by a bitter spouse or simply one who wants to chase the bluebird of happiness with someone else, you'll soon discover that you should've documented your life.

    But as I say in my post, divorce is not the only potential problem a woman may face. I've known women who had to face not only the loss of a spouse via death but financial turmoil as well.

    What you say about enabling your husband is true. I think when a spouse loves you, he/she wants you to be educated about finances in case of emergency.

    "Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette And here's a link to the blog.

    It's all about Risk Management

    Terri987 (not verified) May 5, 2007 - 4:19am

    For those of us who have chosen to stay at home, I would say that *most* of us understand our precarious financial situation. Perhaps, there are some whose husband makes so much money that staying at home doesn't stress the budget, but a lot of us have made huge sacrifices in order to be home. We live on modest budgets, go without that weekly starbucks or girls' night out..etc. Our clothes are from Wal-Mart, Target, or maybe if we're lucky, the clearance rack at JC Penny. We are down to the bare essentials.

    Is it scary? Yes, sometimes it's absolutely terrifying.

    Whenever those thoughts about divorce, death, or disability have crept into my mind. I acknowledge that it *could* happen, but there is little that a "just making it" mom can do.

    So, how do I manage the worry?

    First, I remind myself why I am home. There is no amount of money, or childcare that can replace me. Even the best care is not as good as having me being here for my kids.

    Second, what I have given my children cannot be measured financially. If the sky fell and everything went wrong, nothing can steal away what I have already poured into them. Life could be difficult in the future, but the foundation I have poured will always be there.

    Third, I have faith in God and His promises that He will supply for His children. That doesn't mean I'll be driving a mercedes, but He does promise to meet my daily needs--which might just be a bus pass and ramen noodles someday.

    The flip side of this story is that if "I" died, my husband would be in just as much financial trouble. All of a sudden, he would have to pay full-time child care for two children, without a second income to ease the burden. I have no life insurance. He would have to come up with money for a funeral service. There are a host of all sorts of things that would increase the cost of living without me.

    It's a risk to have any parent at home. However, most of us have guaged the odds and are willing to take the risk for the immense payoff that comes with it.

    **update to comment**

    One of the best things a stay-at-home parent can do is to make sure that their name is on everything--the deed to the house, the title to cars, even the financing. If your name is on the loan, even if the income to pay it isn't "yours" you are building credit (assuming it's paid on time) and you will have the ability to speak to the bank about the mortgage, car payments, etc.

    If your spouse dies, then there won't be any haggling over who is in charge of these things. You'll be able to make decisions without all the legal wrangling.

    Wheat Among Tares

    A thought provoking post, Nordette

    jenniferb May 5, 2007 - 6:00am

    Thank you for your post. My mother instilled a heavy dose of self prerservation in me, which I guard jealously. A part of me has long though of this as a defect, and I've harbored a bit of guilt over this during my marriage, but your post helped me to consider the wisdom in my mother's words.

    Jennifer

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