Get your head out of the sand: Covering your financial back is not only about divorce

Thank you for your post. My mother instilled a heavy dose of self prerservation in me, which I guard jealously. A part of me has long though of this as a defect, and I've harbored a bit of guilt over this during my marriage, but your post helped me to consider the wisdom in my mother's words.

Jennifer

For those of us who have chosen to stay at home, I would say that *most* of us understand our precarious financial situation. Perhaps, there are some whose husband makes so much money that staying at home doesn't stress the budget, but a lot of us have made huge sacrifices in order to be home. We live on modest budgets, go without that weekly starbucks or girls' night out..etc. Our clothes are from Wal-Mart, Target, or maybe if we're lucky, the clearance rack at JC Penny. We are down to the bare essentials.

Is it scary? Yes, sometimes it's absolutely terrifying.

Whenever those thoughts about divorce, death, or disability have crept into my mind. I acknowledge that it *could* happen, but there is little that a "just making it" mom can do.

So, how do I manage the worry?

First, I remind myself why I am home. There is no amount of money, or childcare that can replace me. Even the best care is not as good as having me being here for my kids.

Second, what I have given my children cannot be measured financially. If the sky fell and everything went wrong, nothing can steal away what I have already poured into them. Life could be difficult in the future, but the foundation I have poured will always be there.

Third, I have faith in God and His promises that He will supply for His children. That doesn't mean I'll be driving a mercedes, but He does promise to meet my daily needs--which might just be a bus pass and ramen noodles someday.

The flip side of this story is that if "I" died, my husband would be in just as much financial trouble. All of a sudden, he would have to pay full-time child care for two children, without a second income to ease the burden. I have no life insurance. He would have to come up with money for a funeral service. There are a host of all sorts of things that would increase the cost of living without me.

It's a risk to have any parent at home. However, most of us have guaged the odds and are willing to take the risk for the immense payoff that comes with it.

**update to comment**

One of the best things a stay-at-home parent can do is to make sure that their name is on everything--the deed to the house, the title to cars, even the financing. If your name is on the loan, even if the income to pay it isn't "yours" you are building credit (assuming it's paid on time) and you will have the ability to speak to the bank about the mortgage, car payments, etc.

If your spouse dies, then there won't be any haggling over who is in charge of these things. You'll be able to make decisions without all the legal wrangling.

Wheat Among Tares ( http://wheatamongtares.blogspot.com )

I managed the checking account, knew what went on with the mortgage, credit, day-to-day stuff.

I seriously doubt you'll face a situation like mine, but I'm telling more about my situation in case there's anyone out there who needs to hear it. All it took for me to go into the Twilight Zone was for my ex to divert his paychecks and his bonus money (a check for more than $30K) to his personal account. Suddenly the household account had no money, and I had to go to court to prove I and the children needed money.

Married or not, the courts considered his paycheck to be his paycheck, and I as his wife was not automatically entitled to half, as some women seem to think. Years of marriage, quality of life, actual bills that needed to be paid, none of that was assumed true by the court based on our cohabitation. Everything had to be proven as though it had never happened. A chill goes through you when a lawyer looks at you and says, "Technically it's yours, but you'll go broke trying to get it." or "Technically it's yours, but it will take a while to prove it."

We shouldn't live in states of distrust; yet, if you're ever drawn into court by a bitter spouse or simply one who wants to chase the bluebird of happiness with someone else, you'll soon discover that you should've documented your life.

But as I say in my post, divorce is not the only potential problem a woman may face. I've known women who had to face not only the loss of a spouse via death but financial turmoil as well.

What you say about enabling your husband is true. I think when a spouse loves you, he/she wants you to be educated about finances in case of emergency.

"Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/2007/04/april-is... ) And here's a link to the blog ( http://jerseygoddess.blogspot.com/ ).

I am the one who controls the finances in our house. I know what is coming in, where it's going, what it earns and how to find it. My husband does not.

I am trying to teach him how not to be dependant upon me because it's likely (hell, probably) that I won't always be around to enable his ignorance. It would just be wrong to leave him drowning when I could teach him to swim.

Still I am not prepared to take full independant control of my own financial future. There are steps I need to take (mostly listed above). And I guess I need to take them soon.

Thanks for a great post. I need to go back and work my way through it a couple more times.

Debra
A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com )
Deb's Daily Distractions ( http://debsdistractions.blogspot.com )

This is an excellent post, and so true. There is a lot less to "fear" when you are just a little "prepared".

Catherine Morgan
Women 4 Hope ( http://women4hope.wordpress.com/ ) and Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself ( http://catherinemarie.wordpress.com/ )