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In this week’s Ten Money Questions, we speak with Nordette Adams of Confessions of a Jersey Goddess and one of our Mommy & Family contributing editors at BlogHer. Nordette is a single mother, writer and poet, and she’s juggling life as fast as she can. As you’ll learn below, the juggle often includes finances. Nordette gets personal in this interview about socioeconomics, divorce, independence and her finances being a work in progress. We all learn something through her candor about these challenges! It pays to read on…
1. You once left a comment on a personal finance post that said, “I’ve had to borrow money from my parents too often over the years. If you love your parents, you’ll work to break the habit of turning to them for money.†How do adult children make the shift to financial responsibility from financial dependency?
I don’t know what other people have to do, Nina, but for me it had to be a determination to do without, to live with less of everything and recognize that whatever I can’t get for myself I don’t need. This is hard when you have children and are going through divorce with children who are used to having more, but I think learning to do with less is something all children need to learn no matter how much money their parents have access to. I’ve heard Donald Trump taught his children to live within a budget.
I don’t mean that we never do things like go to movies or eat out, but we look at our budget and consider what we’ll do without if we choose to go to a movie. But I’m in a situation right now where I really don’t have enough money and so I’m left with decisions like move or earn more money because I don’t want to ask my parents for money.
Let me add that I know when to cry uncle. Sometimes in order to avoid a bigger disaster, I’ve had to swallow my pride and still call home for money. I only do this, however, when health may be at risk.
2. What is your most significant memory about money?
This is a good question. I remember that I always associated money with independence. When I was a child and sometimes unhappy I’d fantasize about running away, but I wouldn’t see myself going to some magical land where everyone was happy. I’d see myself going off and starting a business so I didn’t have to depend on anyone else for my needs. I heard my parents talk about money too much I guess.
3. What is your worst habit around finances?
Avoidance. I will have a money problem and I will avoid it until it becomes a monster. I’ve been working not to do that anymore, but it’s hard to talk about a debt when you know you don’t have the money to pay the bill and won’t have the money to pay the bill for a very long time. After divorce debts are a fact of life unless you received a pretty hefty settlement. I did not.
4. What lessons did your marriage and divorce teach you about money?
I actually posted this week about the topic. I learned that while you should trust your spouse you should also build your own credit history and protect it. I let my husband charge some of his personal expenses on credit cards in my name even when I started to suspect he was lying to me. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I called it giving him the benefit of the doubt. Dumb, dumb, dumb. He gloated about my being so trusting later nearing the end of the divorce going so far as to write my name on an envelope as Nordette Adummy.
I also say, plan for golden years together but also plan for golden years alone. Listen to your intuition. I let my ex, while we were married, make me feel guilty about my attempt to build a stock portfolio on my own. He actually said to me “Why are you doing this when you know I’ll take care of you?†He said this while he was planning to divorce me. There’s nothing wrong with having money of your own, and if your spouse tries to make you feel guilty about having your own money, then you should start to wonder what’s motivating your spouse’s concerns. In fact, some respected marriage counselors support the idea of a joint household account
