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Rita Arens authors Surrender, Dorothy and Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews. She is BlogHer.com's senior editor.  Her parenting anthology and BlogHer'...
 
 
 
 

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White Mother, White Father, White Child - Talking Race in Middle America

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We just bought a “new” (well, actually, it’s old, and my sister named it “Chateau Travolta” because its décor looks straight out of 1977) house in the suburbs of Kansas City. We’ll be moving there in a few weeks, and the little angel will be starting a new school. I haven’t stepped inside this school yet, because I researched it, talked to the director on the phone for an hour, got a referral from a trusted co-worker whose niece goes there, and then sent my beloved to check it out. Yes, I let him make the final decision based on his observation – he’s a very involved dad and really does make about half of our parenting decisions. That said, I forgot to ask him to check out the racial diversity of the school.

It’s something I would’ve noticed, but I’m not sure he did. He didn’t mention anything about it when he came home – he focused more on the adequate playground equipment, the cleanliness of the classrooms, the student/teacher ratio and whether or not the children had set fire to the school shortly before he got there. (They had not.)

We’ve always lived in the city – at least, we have since we’ve lived in Kansas City. We’re both originally from small (in his case, population 450) towns in Iowa, where racial diversity is not possible to achieve in schools, mostly because it doesn’t exist in the towns. I’m not really sure why. Most people who live in small towns in Iowa were born there, and maybe this has just gone on ever since the Norwegian, German and Irish immigrants showed up and squatted on the land like good Americans should.

I wish there had been more racial diversity in my school when I was a kid. It is very difficult to base an opinion on anything other than textbooks and media when real people with higher levels of melanin than you have aren’t sitting next to you in class. I grew up uncertain how to act around people who weren’t white, because I didn’t know more than one or two who weren’t. I realize what a loaded thing this is to write, but it was my reality. It was my husband’s reality. Since we’ve become adults, we’ve lived in mostly black, mostly Hispanic and now racially diverse neighborhoods. We didn’t sit down and say, “let’s be the only white people on Central Street,” but on the other hand, we didn’t let it stop us when we found a beautifully remodeled second-floor walk-up when we were living in sin. We’ve sent the little angel to daycares with black, white, Asian and Hispanic teachers. She has friends of other races. She’s not uncomfortable around anyone. And now I sit here, chewing on my lip and hoping that doesn’t change.

Kansas City is a much bigger place than my hometown. The suburb we are moving to has an excellent school district with a huge high school. I’m hoping the size of the suburb and its school system will mean it attracts all sorts of families of different races. I want my daughter to be surrounded by kids of all races. I want her to have teachers of all races. I think it’s important. If she doesn’t, I think I’m going to have to seek out extracurricular activities that will give her good role models and peers of all colors. I worry if she doesn’t, she’ll end up like me, serving as a rush counselor for an all-black sorority at the University of Iowa and not knowing what to say about the whole thing, not believing we had “traditionally black” sororities still in 1994. We had a few girls of different races in my "not traditionally black" sorority, but the University of Iowa in the early ‘90s was probably only about 10-30% minority. I’m sure this is shocking to those of you reading from the coasts. The Midwest, particularly the upper Midwest, is white, white, white. Hi! We’re white.

We don’t speak a lot of languages here, either. The only language (other than English) I hear with any sort of regularity is Spanish. When I hear people speaking Spanish to their children, I try to understand what they’re saying. I took Spanish up through college, but that doesn’t mean I’m

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moderndayhermit 5 pts

This post resonates with me on so many levels. I, too, grew up in small-town America, in the Midwest with a population of 900. Less than 1% of the population was composed of people other than white. I also grew up with a lot of racist relatives and I really have my father to thank for pointing us [my siblings, too] in the right direction to not grow up with that same horrid mindset.

I have a son and while he is quite young, diversity plays a huge roll in where we wish to reside. I find diversity to be incredibly important and not just socially but from an education standpoint as well. There are some things I love about growing up in small town but overall I have to admit I feel as though I missed out on a lot by not having the diversity available in more suburban/urban areas and that my real education didn't start until I moved to Dallas when I was 19.

Bill Cammack 5 pts

I've found that the best defense against the buildup of unwarranted ideas about people who are "different" is exposure to people from those groups that you get along well with and can see eye to eye with, or at least intelligently discuss how both of you see a situation. For that reason, I think it's a good idea for you to strive for your child to have a diverse experience while growing up.

Schools are important because it's most children's first experience with peer groups. I do want my daughter's peer group to be as representative as it can be. I think the school system she's headed into will be large enough for that not to be a problem, but honestly, it's hard to tell.

I think this point is more important than what the overall makeup of the school is. My experience with school was being influenced by people that I considered to be friends and comrades. Nobody else counted for anything to me. I think that your child's peer group, meaning close friends, is more important than the overall 'vibe' that the school has, or even a lack of diversity in the school. The reason I say this is that friends have ideas, and often, those ideas come from their parents. Even if everyone surrounding your child is white, depending on what their parents instilled in them before they got to school, and what their peer group instilled in them once they started their schooling, they're going to end up with different ideas. It still doesn't give *exposure* to "different" people, but if the friends carry themselves in a way that's consistent with what you teach your child, it could be the next best thing.

I suppose my point is that while growing up, my friends' parents had as much influence on me, if not more, than their kids did. Looking back, it's easy to see why my friends were as cool as they were, because their parents were as cool as they were. I was treated by them with respect, and returned that respect to them as if they were elder relatives. The very few times I ran into a kid's parents that were JERKS, it became obvious to me why their kids were as lame as they were, and I distanced myself from those parents and potentially their kids as well.

If you can't find actual diversity, paying close attention to whom your kids are socializing with and whether those kids' parents see things the way you do is your next best option.

--
Bill Cammack
Video Editor ( http://alum.mit.edu/www/billcammack/ )
BillCammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/category/blogherbiz/ )

Rita Arens 7 pts

I agree with what you are all saying about schools, which is why it's top of mind for me right now. Schools are important because it's most children's first experience with peer groups. I do want my daughter's peer group to be as representative as it can be. I think the school system she's headed into will be large enough for that not to be a problem, but honestly, it's hard to tell. Daycares are not as representative as school systems, because people choose daycares as a function of where they work, how many children they have, what hours they work and how much money they have to spend on childcare. Schools will be different. That is one reason why I want her to go to public school. I'd like her to participate on a more even playing field than I feel she would in a private school in my current neighborhood.
Surrender, Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com )- When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

barnyardmama 5 pts

What a great post. As a teacher at a school that is majority African-American, I am thankful that I have the opportunity to interact with so many people of a different race. I realize that my exposure was extremely limited when I was growing up--and I was missing out.

http://teacheriheels.typepad.com

kitchenfire 5 pts

This post resonated for me. It's really important to me that my daughter go to a racially diverse school. She is biracial (I'm white and my husband is Asian) and I don't want her to be the only biracial kid or Asian kid in her school, but like you I also think a big part of getting a good education is learning to interact with different types of people. I was fortunate in that I had a lot of those experiences early on, and I think it really shaped the way I thought about race.

I also think school segregation is a big reason why inequalities between different racial groups persist, and if we are really serious about being anti-racist, we need to start thinking about what we can do to help desegregate schools. And that starts with our own kids.

cagey333 5 pts

I have to say that if we ever move from here, I would like to live in a diverse area. For one, I am tired of fulfilling the Ethnic Quotient for our neighborhood. For another, I am weary of folks looking squinty-eyed at me over MY kid's name when I have NEVER even heard of their own kid's lily-white name.

Oddly enough, Olathe is actually fairly diverse (just not my neighborhood). We have so many Hispanics here that the Catholic church on the East side has masses in Spanish. We also have a significant population of Chinese here , too.