I debated whether or not I would even watch this show, and so I didn't watch. Neither did I tape it. Really, who wants to watch a man beat up a woman and know that the person videotaping the horror is the son of the mother and father? That's what some of the Oprah promos said, that the tape was never meant to be public and the father made the son, a 13-year-old child, tape his mother's beating.

I asked myself, "Is Oprah reverting to sensationalism?" I remember when she vowed not to do shows anymore that smelled like Jerry Springer or Sally Jesse Rafael jumping the shark.

Every year, 1 out of every 4 women in America is abused by her partner.

When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner Lee Still, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life. (Oprah.com)

I thought, Dang! Oprah's doing domestic violence again! However, I realized that domestic violence is something America has to witness, have shoved in its face sometimes.

The nation must see and remember that violence against women is not only an inner-city crime; it's not just something that happens to our forgotten poor or the people we choose not to see. In suburban homes all across America, habitual wife abuse, child abuse, and yes, even husband abuse happens more frequently than we'd care to admit.

How a pair of lovers gets to this point in a relationship isn't always clear, but I thought that this might be a good time to post signs of a spouse escalating toward physical violence. Many times it doesn't happen out of the blue, especially when it happens between pairs that seem like the perfect match.

Her husband's comments were so routine that for 20 years, Brenda Branson didn't realize she was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse.

"You breathe too loud," her husband would tell her. "Your smile is silly. You look terrible. Don't you have anything better to wear?"

It wasn't until Brenda realized his comments weren't true that she approached him. And that's when he picked up a chair and hit her with it. Brenda knew she had to do something, so she went to her pastor. Unfortunately he wasn't equipped to handle domestic abuse; his suggestions about submitting to her husband only made her home life more difficult. "Our church didn't know what to do with us," Brenda says. "They just wanted the problem to go away." (From an article at Today's Christian Woman)

When you confront the issue of abuse, it rarely leaps up and flies away. It tends to grumble and grow, but you must confront it if you want it to stop.

Usually emotional abuse worsens, verbal arguments grow more heated, the male adopts more intimidating behavior toward the female, and if she's not careful the one smack she thought would only be one becomes a hundred. Here are some of the signs that suggest your relationship is headed toward physical abuse. Please notice that other forms of abuse are on this list:

• He tells odd stories, perhaps as though he's joking, such as telling you how he'd kill someone who came between the two of you.
• He screams in your face. I mean directly in your face so you can see how much he towers over you. When you have a legitimate reason to be angry, however, you're not allowed to raise your voice. In fact, he sometimes adopts a controlled soft-spoken manner when you're angry that makes you feel like you're the one who has no manners.
• He breaks family heirlooms or items he knows have sentimental value to you, or you find items that are important to you missing.
• He's cruel to family pets.
• He's cruel to children or exceptionally harsh in ways that you know are verbal abuse.
• He isolates you from friends and family.
• He controls finances and takes actions that prevent you from having access to money of your own or resents your having any financial freedom.
• He tells you that you don't listen to him and you know what he means is that you don't obey him or always acquiesce to his desires.
• He directly attacks your personal esteem like the husband in the example above.
• He's extreme jealousy of other males and perhaps even your children and friends.
• He constantly calls to find out what you're doing.
• He punches walls or other objects.
• He pushes or shoves you out of his path instead of asking you to move.
• He forages through your email or listens to your phone calls.
• More and more you find yourself making excuses for his intolerable behavior.

The silent treatment is also a form of abuse. Did you know that? It's a form of control and the recipient of its treatment is left to wonder what he or she did wrong? Perhaps they did nothing wrong. A mature adult does not practice the silent treatment. Also, if your spouse came from a family where he witnessed wife abuse as a child, then he's more likely to become abusive under stress.

Now, that's my list based on years of research and some misguided living. Click here for Oprah's list of warning signs. Readers may know of other signs, and perhaps they will share them here in comments.

Some women take signs such as lots of phone calls to check her whereabouts, jealousy, and extreme protectiveness as signs of passionate love. In reality, especially once the infatuation stage passes in a relationship (usually six months), these types of behavior are not the sign of love but of an obsessive personality that is objectifying you not loving you. You should be concerned also when the person has not behaved this way in the past, but his behavior changes to more obsessive and possessive.

Oprah repeats in my area at 7:00 p.m. and then again at 1:00 a.m. If her show repeats in your market and you can bear to watch the video, then maybe you should. You may not be in an abusive situation yourself, but you never know when you'll meet someone who faces the horror of abuse daily and without your words may not have the courage to get out. Also, sometimes women practice verbal and emotional abuse and don't realize it until they read and hear examples of abuse.

I also believe that it doesn't hurt to share this type of information with our daughters as soon as they begin to date. It always shocks me to find out the number of young women, teens, who put up with abusive boyfriends. What are we teaching and modeling to our daughters? And if we have sons, are we laying the foundation for them to be loving partners or abusive partners?

I'd planned to write a post today about the new study that suggests babies conceived in the summer have lower test scores, but this seemed more urgent. Perhaps I'll get to summer conceptions on Friday or not.

Helpful Links

• Oprah.com