Long-Distance Relationships: Would You Do It?
by Zandria

Thanks to increases in technological communication, long-distance relationships are more common today than ever before. But even for the strongest couples, this type of situation can cause a strain. Would you purposefully choose to get involved in a relationship if you knew you wouldn't see your partner very often? Or would you only do it if you knew the person first, and circumstances occurred later to cause you to reside in distant locations?

I think it depends on the people involved at a particular point in time. If you like someone enough, you'll be willing to put up with things that you might not have in previous relationships. And on the flip side, a person who used to prefer occasional visits with someone could end up feeling entirely different when they meet someone new—going from enjoying their freedom as much as possible, to looking for every opportunity to spend time with someone else.

Living in Chicago, Wendy is involved with a man who lives in New York . She mentions some of the downsides:

When I tell people my boyfriend lives in New York , I inevitably get some response about a long-distance relationship that either survived or failed, followed by a commiserating remark about how hard the [long distance relationships] are. And it's true—they are hard. The commute alone always wipes me out... and the seemingly endless carting around of our belongings from one city to another, and negotiating what often seems like two lives now: the single life and the coupled one.

But although there are hardships, Wendy thinks this situation works for her.

...I thought about the last year and how my life has changed, and my stance on [long distance relationships] softened a bit. There is something to be said for them, for the way you get to simultanesouly experience single life and coupledom—how some weekends are devoted to your friends and your hobbies and yourself, and some weekends are all about the love. [...]

The thing is, if it weren't for the long distance, I doubt NYMan and I would be a couple. I'm such a commitment phobe—always falling for the wrong guy to avoid a serious relationship and ignoring the right one just under my nose, that I think it took an obstacle like 1400 miles to keep me from running, and to provide the unique perspective I needed to see a good thing.

Halley talks about being apart from her boyfriend while studying abroad in Paris:

Being boyfriendless because you're single in Paris is fantastic—there's a never-ending supply of amorous French boys to take you out, you can go dancing and stay out all night without anybody worrying, you can give your phone number to any cute boy who asks for it. But what happens when you're boyfriendless and not single? When there's supposed to be one particular American boy taking you out, waiting for you when you come home from dancing with the girls, glaring at the boys who ask for your number on the street—and he's not there? [...]

There's an empty spot next to me where a boy is supposed to be, so instead of calling him when I'm having a bad day, I flirt with the bus driver, pause a little longer than I should watching the French boys play soccer in the jardin des Tuileries, develop an inappropriate crush on my vie politique professor and devote entirely too much time and energy to finding Rachael a French boy. There's nothing else to do—except wait.

After being involved in a long-distance relationship for years, KF and her boyfriend are finally moving in together for good.

[I]t's finally begun to sink in: this is the last time that he has to go home. Or, rather, the last time that going-home involves traveling in a direction that is away from me. [...]

We've spent long enough stretches in the same apartment—about eight months during my last sabbatical; nearly a year during his last one—that there's no nervousness about this transition. We know we live together well. What we've got instead is unadulterated excitement, knowing that we can finally do some of the things together that we've been putting off. Some number of those things are material; periodically, over the last week, one of us has turned to the other with this somewhat starry, somewhat craven look, and said, "Two incomes. One household. No flying." And both of us sit back and imagine the things we can do, the places we can go.

Maarmie has a list of 14 things she likes about the man she's currently seeing. But a long-distance relationship isn't as effortless as she originally thought it would be.

Had I written this post a month ago, it would have been some kind of blathering love letter, a syrupy-sweet ode dripping with the kindest of words and comparing our relationship to the very best of relationships that ever existed or ever would exist, putting what seemed to just naturally exist between us and what I thought we had created on a pedestal for all the world to see, admire and attempt to emulate.

But, after three months, harsh words, misunderstandings and more arguments than I care to admit, the luster has worn off some. The reality that nothing is ever perfect is setting in. The realization that our "effortless" relationship isn't going to be so effortless after all has slapped me in the face. Can we learn from our mistakes? Can we improve ourselves and, through these improvements, improve the relationship? Can this relationship last? And, most importantly, if this relationship doesn't work out, how am I ever going to stalk him when he lives so very far away??

Pamalicious was once involved in a long-distance relationship, but says she wouldn't do it again.

What I learned about the long distance thing is that I personally am a vulnerable person and whereas I thought that I didn't need in person one on one attention—I did. Nobody wanted to move or give up their lives—which ultimately means you dont' want to be together. [...] Long Distance is one long honeymoon. It begins and ends with the persons arrival and departure. [...] I discovered that I needed touch, smiles, interaction even if it were during a fight. In Long distance, sometimes you table all of that because it's about TIME and TIME is precious.

Penelope gives an explanation for the increasing popularity of long-distance relationships and also offers ways to cope.

[T]he typical gen-Y graduate plans on being married around age thirty. Which means that while he or she is gallivanting from job to job and city to city, there is also, a parallel hunt for a stable partner.

Enter the long-distance romance.

To be sure, not everyone likes doing the long-distance routine. [...] But anecdotal evidence suggests that long-distance relationships have become mainstream for people not only in college, but after college. And, in fact, when it comes to making two careers and one relationship work across state lines, there are some best practices. Here are three:

1. Have a plan for being together eventually, and be flexible.

2. Get comfortable with deep conversation that flows electronically.

3. Be honest with yourself when it's going nowhere.

So...would you do it? Have you done it?

Contributing Editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me.

Submitted by Zandria (view blog) on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 08:00
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Comments

 

I'm in an LDR on the road to marriage

Well, it's not a choice all the time, is it? In my case, I had to start a LDR because I fell in love. I knew it would be hard, and especially since I've tried it before and failed miserably. But when it comes to love, I know what I want, and I go for it 100%. You can't choose who you fall in love with. We met May and we are already engaged even though we have never met in person. Crazy? I don't think so. I know what my heart wants and I'm not afraid of getting hurt with her. Furthermore, I am in the UK and she is in Indonesia, 10000 miles away. Love will conquer all.

---
A Writer's Journey
----------------------
http://www.xanga.com/writerjt

Submitted by bleachjt on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 17:32
 

That's like my dream relationship

I always tell people that I would love a long distance relationship. I like my alone time and misanthropy and being able to do my own thing as I please. I doubt I could or would do it permanently, but it would be nice for awhile.

Heather B.
Personal Blog: No Pasa Nada
BlogHer CE: Business, Career & Personal Finance

Submitted by HeatherB on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 05:18
 

Done it twice. It works if...

...there's alight at the end of the long-distance tunnel.

When neither party intends to ever move to be near the other party, it's very hard because every problem becomes a problem you know you'll have forever. I usually attribute this to jobs, but it's true of relationships too: every job or relationship has issues, but eventually you want to bang the other side of your head against that wall :)

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

Submitted by Elisa Camahort on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 05:54
 

Done it. Done with it.

When I went away to college, I foolishly tried to keep up a long-distance relationship with my high school sweetheart. That went the way of the New Coke, and it ended bitterly. My next long-distance relationship was with an older man, a commitment-phobe, who, after a two-year engagement and the weekend before he was relocating to my town, left a voicemail on my phone ending it all. He had his phone turned off for a week so I couldn't call him and talk him out of it or get a better explanation. My third? I met my husband on eharmony. I was in Wisconsin, he was in Tucson. We knew we wanted to get married, but we had about seven months of a long-distance courtship/engagement while we prepared our lives for marriage. It was a sweet time full of long talks on the phone and only two trips to see each other. The third time we saw each other, it was for our wedding trip and to move him across country to live with me.

For me, it didn't work if there wasn't a set goal in mind of getting together at the end. I wasn't just looking for a good time, I was looking for a life partner. I couldn't have done the long-distance thing without a set goal in mind.

Submitted by Mammacheryl on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 06:09
 

I've done it a twice...

I met one man online through one of my Formula 1 racing communities about 10 years ago. We met and got together in person, then did a long distance thing for a year before I moved overseas to where he was. We ultimately broke up, then I immediately met the man I ended up marrying.. who lived in Canada. Goofball, me.

There are great things about LDRs, many of which you've noted in your posts. You get to have full on relationship time, but also significant "me" time. There are also obvious and massive downsides.

One of the other major benefits of an LDR is the fact that it forces you to learn how to verbally communicate with each other. Many relationships are based on fun, on joint activities, on social events. Couples aren't forced to tackle issues until they are cohabitating or married. In an LDR, you are forced to communicate in a way you often don't have to in a local relationship. In an LDR, you don't share activities and experiences, but rather relay them to each other. Through this you are forced to learn whether or not you communicate effectively, whether you're on the same level; in a lot of ways you find out whether or not you really even like each other.

I know a couple who have been LDR for, I believe, about 10 years now. He's in Texas, she's in Australia. Their light at the end of the tunnel is approaching, but they have slogged a long way to get there.

ThreeSeven... not just a number anymore

Submitted by zchamu on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 07:27
 

A lot of work

Am currently in a long-distance relationship and it definitely has its ups and downs.

Communication is obviously the most important factor - as well as trust. But one thing to consider - they can be very expensive. Last spring my significant other & I were seeing each other every 2 weeks....which translated to thousands of dollars in flights and travel expenses.

I think eventually, all LDRs have to have, as Elisa said, some light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think you can have an LDR that lasts forever. At least I couldn't. Not into the whole being married but not living together (or living in the same zipcode!) thing.

Submitted by Spatchly on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 09:36
 

it's worth it

I'm in a long distance relationship at this very moment, actually. Flights are pretty inexpensive as we both live near major airports, and travel time is only an hour and a half. And we both work remotely, which means we can spend more than a weekend with each other when we are in the same city.

It also doesn't hurt that we're crazy punchdrunk mad about each other, hopeless romantics, count down the days until we're together again, and speak on the phone every single day. While the time apart kills me, it makes the time we do spend together spectacular.

That being said, I don't think things would have progressed this far if we both weren't a bit antsy to move, and knew that there was an option for us to be in the same city eventually. I'm sure at some point this year, one (or both) of us will relocate.

I say, if you have an LDR prospect, try it. At worst, it doesn't work, and you won't worry about running into him and his new girlfriend at the grocery store in your saggy butt sweatpants and no makeup.

At best? You'll fall madly, passionate in love and find yourselves turning your worlds upside down to be together. And that's pretty darn exciting.

Submitted by krystyn.jones on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 10:07
 

Depends on the people involved

and sometimes where they're at in their lives...

Recently friends of mine who'd been living together came to a decision to be "long distance"--he got a job in another state and she was unwilling to give up the business that she *just* got off the ground and profitable.

They've heard a lot of crap about this, but the thing is they've been together for 10 years. They know each other very well and have a special bond. They have a high degree of trust and also know that this is not a long-term thing. They are doing something different from what other couples their age and in their circumstances would do, but it works for them.

As for starting a relationship as long-distance--well, there are lots of problems with that, and the problems get more dangerous as you get older and the men in the available pool begin to look more and more like the 3 headded fish on the Simpsons. What I'm saying is that as one gets into one's late 30's, 40's and beyond, there are men with some *serious* baggage who look to long-distance relationships because they are unable to have relationships of any kind. The distance thing makes it easy for them to have a woman when they want her--and never, really, have to commit to anything...

I've done the LDR thing a couple of times, and it just wasn't worth it. I want to see the person, know who they are, be able to determine the level of baggage early on and get out if I need to. Who wants to waste time?

Tish Grier
blogger/consultant/writer
currently with Assignment Zero--blogging at
the Constant Observer and Love and Hope and Sex and Dreams

Submitted by Tish G on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 11:00
 

LDR. Living It.

LDR, know all about it. Been in an LDR marriage for several years now. I'm not a military wife, but ask THEM about LDRs, they have a thing or two to say...

The planet is a lot smaller then it used to be. What passes for long distance now is not the same as what was long distance before the webcam.

Nerd's Eye View

Submitted by Pam on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 12:31
 

Done it while coupled, engaged, and married

...thanks to the military.

Four months after we met, our assignments took us separate ways. For two years, I lived in Washington DC while he lived in Panama. He moved back to the US - and the closest assignment he could get was Dover DE. So we spent two years of marriage driving to see each other on the weekends.

It was not easy. We worked hard, but we are damn lucky too.

What always got me were the comments from older officers whose marriages had broken up - especially when I hadn't asked for their input.

mothergoosemouse

Submitted by mothergoosemouse on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 12:36
 

I agree with some of the above

I don't think I would have been able to do it if I didn't ltr as my goal.
It is a great way to improve verbal communication skills and feeling one another out.
I couldn't have really dated 'normally' when I was single.

My husband and I met on a technical software site back in... 2001 or 2002.
After my ex and I split up, my son and I were on our own together. I was happy of course, just me and him, doing our thing. But, being a single parent a good drive away from my support system, it wouldn't have been feasible to really date, because I wouldn't have gone out without my son. Also, I didn't want to casually date and expose him to someone who wouldn't be in my life for awhile.

By the time my husband and I 'started dating', I knew I would marry him (it took him just a tiny bit longer to figure it out ;)). We emailed, pm'd and chatted on the phone as much as possible. We'd 'worked' together and were friends, we'd met at a training conference the previous year... we were just filling in the gaps.

He flew the 4000 miles to see me and proposed that night (Friday, May 13th, 2005). We visited a couple of times each way, he also had business trips to the US a couple more times that I joined him for. We applied for his visa in the fall, and he finally came to the US for good in June of 06. We married in July 06.

It was tough, the missing each other and all, but, it was really the ideal dating situation for me, and I hope it wasn't too terribly hard on him. I'm just sooo happy that he was willing to uproot his entire life and come here to be with us. The three of us have never been happier.

Now, my sister tried her first LTR last year... she couldn't handle it, she said her bf needed too much attention. ~shrug~

I'm happy for those who find their love, no matter how it's located.

Cheers and congrats to everyone who made a go of it.

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
Mistress of the Dorkness blog

Submitted by Mistress Of The Dorkness on Thu, 05/10/2007 - 19:42
 

Been there, done that. And it changed my
life.

Though not in the way you might expect. Seven years ago I was in a long-term relationship with a guy from Armenia. It lasted a year; I broke up because of "incompatibility", not because of the long distance. Over that year, though, I did fall in love with Armenia and I kept going there to see friends, work as a volunteer etc. Two and a half years ago I moved there permanently and do not regret it.

As for the ex-boyfriend, he went abroad for a couple of years, but came back to Armenia last year. One day he ran into old friends and they told him I am now living in Armenia. He got my phone number and called me a couple of months ago. We have become good friends since. No getting back together though: he is married and a father-to-be and I am in a relationship with a great guy.

The Armenian Odar

Submitted by Myrthe on Fri, 05/11/2007 - 00:21
 

It Depends ...

Carmin Wharton, Author, Speaker, Life Coach
Link Textwww.carminwharton.com

The ability to be in a LDR is based on the maturity and commitment level of both individuals.

Personally, I am not in favor of LDR because I believe to be there, you have to be there.

My self-concept is strong enough to trust that I am enough woman for a man, even at a great distance. However, I have not experienced a successful LDR and neither have any of my friends.

Please note: When I speak of LDR, I am not speaking of those relationships where people are separated due to military assignment, temporary situations due to school or one partner awaiting a job transfer. Ultimately I believe that for a LDR to work, there must be a definitive date by which it will no longer be a LDR. And, this is if both parties are looking for a committed, long-term relationship. If the parties involved are not looking for same, then enjoy the LDR.

Submitted by Carmin on Fri, 05/11/2007 - 15:06
 

Mental & Physical

It depends on how mentally unique the other person is as well as how *little* physical interaction you're willing to accept with someone and still call it a "relationship".

--
Bill Cammack
Video Editor
BillCammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Sat, 05/12/2007 - 06:37
 

I've really enjoyed reading

I've really enjoyed reading about the different LDR experiences you guys have had. I've never been in one myself, but I can imagine the obstacles that would come up. Thanks for sharing. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Submitted by Zandria on Fri, 05/18/2007 - 08:09
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