The Healing of Memory
by Mata H

"Umbuntu means that my humanity is inextricably caught up in yours. What affects one of us, affects all of us. A person is a person through other persons"--- Desmond Tutu

I write a lot about the healing of memory - my own and others. This is a theme working in my personal blog, too. I believe that the healing of memory is a journey we all have to make, individually and as a nation -- and by all the subgroups leading up to 'nation' -- by family, and community.

Socrates said ,"An unexamined life is not worth living." It is also true that an unexamined life is not whole, and may cause unintentional harm to ourselves and those around us.

The lenses through which we see and experience the world are shaded by our prior experience. If we have walked down Main Street and been met in a friendly way, the next time we go we will feel well-disposed to being there.

If we walk down Main Street and get threatened, our next visit will include fear. Or, we may never walk down Main Street again; or we may generalize from one experience and decide to not walk down streets again, but to drive. Or we may stay at home, too frightened to leave. Or perhaps we start carrying a loaded gun down Main Street. Or down every street. Or we start a campaign to destroy Main Street.

Then we make our kids scared, and alarm our friends and neighbors. Before long they start avoiding Main Street. And they justify it because of "all the problems down there."

Or maybe we take some action to heal the fear as much as is possible, rational -- to get what happened in perspective. Perhaps we focus on healing the perpetrator at the same time that we focus on protecting ourselves.

It seems that the healing of memory may sometimes include reaching out to the one who tore the fabric of events, the person who scarred the lens. Sometimes not. Sometimes the healing of memory means that we search within ourselves for the road that got us to our conclusion, with the intent of straightening out any wrong turns or bad directions.

But this is one person, one event. Look around. Think big. Think nation-as-person. Think about a group I have mentioned before here - The Forgiveness Project .

We are a nation of unhealed wounds -- from the destruction wrought on Native peoples, through slavery, through what we have done to our warriors, including the wars we have asked them to fight.

We have abused children, battered women, abandoned prisoners, families of all backgrounds in pain - torn with alcoholism and drug addiction.

When you walk down the streets of the American Dream, listen. That is weeping you hear in the background. It is the sound of an unhealed nation. A nation full of amazing people, humble greatness, wellsprings of creativity and deep, deep wounds.

But be aware, listen closely and you will hear the same sound thrumming in the background in Iraq, Germany, Israel, France, Kenya, Australia, England, Chile..anywhere in the world.

The world we live in is not only connected, it is profoundly wounded. Umbuntu. What brings you pain touches me. What brings me pain touches you.

We are called to heal. To heal this wounded world is to make it possible for all of us to survive in it. We are called to make large changes, and to do noble things. But we also are called to do what we can when we can. We are called to remain in positive motion.

Every step we take helps.

Every kindness matters.

Every good and decent thing we do can ripple out and change people.

Someone sent me this story in email recently, and I pass it to you.

As I walked along the seashore, this young boy greeted me. He was tossing stranded starfish back to the deep blue sea. I said, "Tell me why you bother, why you waste your time this way. There's a million stranded starfish, what does it matter anyway?"

And he said, "It matters to this one. And this one. And this one...."

Submitted by Mata H (view blog) on Fri, 05/11/2007 - 17:05

Comments

 

This is a beautiful post...and so true.

This is a beautiful post...and so true. Even the smallest acts of kindness have a ripple affect over our world.

Catherine Morgan
Women 4 Hope and Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself

Submitted by Catherine Morgan on Sat, 05/12/2007 - 11:24
 

Wounded Healers

As I read your post, I recalled the title of one of Henri Nouwen´s classics - The Wounded Healer. And it is true that there is so much brokenness and woundedness across the world. There is a desperate need for Global healing as well as individual healing.

Can there be reconciliation and healing without forgiveness? And can there be forgiveness without admission of wrongdoing? Hard questions, and we are not able to agree even on those answers.

Thanks for your post - we must never forget that we are to be healers and facilitators of healing even while our own wounds are being healed.

Peace,
Marvia

Submitted by Marvia on Thu, 05/17/2007 - 15:41
 

Healing and Forgiveness

You ask a difficult question about forgiveness. Forgiveness can provide healing for both the wounded and those who inflicted the wound. In the best of cases, acknowledgement, apology and reparations precede forgiveness. Acknowledgement is important because it provides validation of the harm done. An apology serves to demonstrate that the perpetrator accepts responsibility. And, of course, reparations must be designed to make the wounded as whole as possible.

Forgiveness is not about excusing the actions that caused the harm. It is about enabling healing to take place. I wrote about this in detail in the book I wrote, Repairing the Quilt of Humanity: A Metaphor for Healing and Reparation. The book focuses mainly on the healing and reparations necessary for the United States of America to heal from the ravages of slavery. Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela, a survivor of South Africa’s apartheid and a member of the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, discussed the power of an apology in her book, , A Human Being Died That Night as follows:

“Nothing can ever reverse injustices committed against others. But an apology pronounced in the context of horrible acts has the potential for transformation. It clears or ‘settles’ the air in order to begin reconstructing the broken connections between two human beings. … To be able to ‘perform,’ an apology has to name the deed, acknowledge wrongdoing, and recognize the pain of the victim. … A remorseful apology inspires empathy and forgiveness.” (pp. 98-99).

It is unfortunate that we have not done anything like this in America with regard to the genocide of Native Americans and the enslavement of Africans. Think of the potential for healing that this would bring.

Deborah Howard
Guiding Change Consulting
www.guidingchange.org

Submitted by Deborah Howard on Thu, 06/07/2007 - 20:36
 

We are all in need of healing for our hearts,
souls, and spirits

I resonate completely with your words. All of humanity is in dire need of healing. Healing is an important foundational piece for building true communities.

I wrote a book that was published recently that discusses healing and forgiveness: Repairing the Quilt of Humanity: A Metaphor for Healing and Reparation. The particular focus of the book is the damage that all of us have incurred as a result of racism, oppression, and differences in power and privilege. In the book, I use the metaphor of a quilt to represent humanity which I see as in tatters and in need of repair on many levels: the individual psychological level, the group and cultural level, and the societal and systemic level.

Because there is a complex interplay and interdependence of each of these levels, healing must take place on all levels for the quilt of humanity to become whole again.

It is interesting that you quoted Bishop Desmond Tutu. I also included some of his quotes in my book. Bishop Tutu and Nelson Mandela understood the need for healing at multiple levels. The Truth and Reconciliation process came from their understanding that dismantling a system of injustice and inequity alone was not sufficient. Total healing must take the heart and spirit into account. Without healing the psychological and spiritual wounds of the survivors of apartheid and torture (as well as those who inflicted the wounds), a unified South Africa will be impossible.

The same kind of understanding is necessary in America in relation to Native Americans and African Americans. A Truth and Reconciliation process here would bring about enormous healing. I hope to see it happen one day.

In peace,

Deb

Deborah Howard
Guiding Change Consulting
www.guidingchange.org

Submitted by Deborah Howard on Thu, 06/07/2007 - 18:26
 

the question still remains

Thanks for your comments, Deb. Forgiveness when there has been an apology, or an acknowledging is one thing ......forgiveness when there has not been, when the wrong-doer has no remorse -- what then? I do believe it is possible, I know it is - but it does not have the added element of reconciliation. Nonetheless, it lets me (in this case) live a life that is not springing from an active wound.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

Submitted by Mata H on Fri, 06/08/2007 - 09:33
 

Forgiveness without an Apology

Forgiveness is often necessary for the healing of the wounded. To hold on to anger serves only to continue to poison those who were harmed. In No Future Without Forgiveness Bishop Tutu speaks to this as well:

“Forgiving and being reconciled are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not ... turning a blind eye to the wrong. … In forgiving, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiving does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously and not minimizing it; drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens to poison our entire existence. It involves trying to understand the perpetrators and so have empathy, to try to stand in their shoes and appreciate the sort of pressures and influences that might have conditioned them. … Forgiving means abandoning your right to pay back the perpetrator in his own coin, but it is a loss that liberates the victim.”

For me forgiveness involves an understanding that all of us have the capacity to do both good and bad. In this way, forgiveness is a forgiveness of our own human frailties recognizing that in another time and space, we too might be capable of doing what was done to us. Forgiveness involves compassion and a desire to become fully healed which is not possible when one holds on to anger.

Deb
Deborah Howard
Guiding Change Consulting
www.guidingchange.org

Submitted by Deborah Howard on Sat, 06/09/2007 - 20:45