It's Arranged, Just Tie the Knot - Part 3
by snigdhasen

Editor's note: Don't miss the first two parts of this series
Part 1: Where I come from
Part 2: Arranged marriages, then and now

Even as India advances economically, many young men and women agree to have their marriages arranged. Some seem to think it's a better idea than falling in love first. Others agree to it for lack of a better option.

So, why arrange to say “I do” if you don't really have to? Before we get into this, I'd like to point out a defining factor that shapes the way young men and women think. The concept of dating is not prevalent in India yet. Meaning, you get into a relationship only if you see a future (marriage) in it. Non-serious or casual relationships are not encouraged. Neither is sex before marriage. So we have marriage websites, not necessarily dating websites. Marriage is the ultimate goal.

Here are a few common reasons cited by friends and family for arranged marriages:



  • Family bonding is a way of life in India. A strong relationship with your family members – even at the cost of personal pain – is paramount. Marriage is meant to last, and build and connect families. Raising a child does not end with sending her/him off to college. It ends with marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are no longer answerable to or questioned by family members. Parents love to stay involved in their children's lives all the time. But finding a suitable match and funding the wedding is by and large considered the responsibility of parents. So a lot of children want to, or feel pressured, to convince their parents of their choice before reciting those binding mantras.

For those who want to avoid conflict with family, an arranged marriage is the way out. A male friend of mine (an engineer by profession) dislikes the system. But he feels obliged to respect his parents' wishes simply because they asked him to. His parents come from a small town, and a renegade son (especially in the case of his marriage) will embarrass them. So he is in the process of forging an understanding with his parents where they can look for a girl more to his liking than theirs. It is taking a while for them to figure out his tastes and needs. For my friend, the ideal situation would be for his parents to find a girl who he likes as well. But he is ready to take drastic measures (translation, find his own wife) if nothing works out.

  • If the marriage doesn't work out, blame the parents! This is highly debatable, but some offer it as an explanation. A female friend dissed this idea, saying once your marriage fails, there is no point playing the blame game. My mother had her own take on it: If you marry according to your parents wishes, they are more open to helping you sort out marital problems. If you displease them, they'll get into the I-told-you-so rant. It goes both ways, I guess. Couples who have married against their parents' wishes tend not to approach them with their marital problems. I find this really sad. What kind of parents will alienate their children based on a difference of opinion or taste?

  • Married life is full of challenges. It is all about adjustment and compromises. It is bad enough that the partners have to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies. Why complicate the situation by including disgruntled parents, a new language, a new culture, etc? This has also been my mother's pet theory: Marry within your community with your parents' consent and make the transition a smooth one. Why bother yourself with having to deal with everything new? Familiarity, in this case, breeds comfort not contempt.

  • I cannot find or haven't found a good partner on my own, so I need help. This is probably the single most important reason for men and women to resort to this system willingly. Some people simply can't date or find their partners, says an “uncle” of mine (actually my dad's childhood friend who moved to the U.S.A in the seventies and now lives in Philadelphia. Like a good Indian girl, I refer to him as kaku or uncle). So their families step in. A girlfriend tells me that she would just as happily marry a guy she found on her own. But she didn't and she wanted to get married. So her parents (and extended family) helped.

  • Parents know. They have gone through the hoops so they know what works and what doesn't. I find some merit in this argument. I value their judgment. But I'd rather that they raise the right questions instead of refusing to accept their children's choice outright. Once armed with the necessary input, the couple should make the final call. If the parents feel that their son or daughter is not mature enough to make the right choice despite their advice, then the son/daughter is probably not ready for the responsibilities of marriage anyway.

  • When your marriage is arranged your expections are low or nil. So you take life as it comes. If you marry out of love, you expect too much out of the relationship. That leads to disappointment. I don't know how to begin dealing with this approach to life. First, why should I not have any expectations from my married life just because it has been arranged? Second, even if it is true (no expectations, no disappointments), am I not being an escapist? But then, everyone has a right to choose his or her own path to happiness. If lowering your hopes is your way to guard against unhappiness, so be it. Of course, this approach presupposes the inevitability of marriage. You have to get married, so might as well ensure that it works.



    • Part 4 (Conclusion): Arranged marriages: The problem

    Submitted by snigdhasen (view blog) on Fri, 06/08/2007 - 01:03

    Comments

     

    A sort of arranged marriage

    I was able to understand a lot of the points FOR arranged marriages, because it seemed to parallel my own experiences a little. I didn't ask my parents or family to arrange my marriage, but I was tired of looking on my own. I wasn't picking the right guys, and I wanted my life to move forward. What did I do? Eharmony. Its brand of matchmaking makes it almost impossible to "cruise" around looking for what you think is your ideal... they give you a list of profiles to look at that they've already matched you with.

    I found my husband there within a couple of weeks, and we knew very quickly that is was indeed a good match. So we started planning our engagement and wedding though we hadn't met in person and lived two thousand miles away. We did meet each other's families before we married, and we had a six-month courtship over the phone while we were waiting for the details of relocating to get figured out. But then I flew out to Tucson, packed up his car, and had a private wedding ceremony along the way back to Wisconsin.

    And we've been living happily ever after. We use different relationship tactics than others who had a more traditional courtship. We know right away that compromise is going to be a major theme, and we were both willing to figure out what would work for us. We don't share a lot of hobbies, and I'm not sure we would have ever "hooked up" if I had met him in a crowd. But we "work" together. We appreciate each other's differences, which helps. I didn't want my carbon copy, but I did want someone with similar values like kindness, generosity, good citizenship, appreciation of family/home life, etc. And that's what I got. It's amazing how a marriage can blossom when those criteria are met.

    I think we did what a lot of couples in arranged marriages do when it comes to all of a sudden being in an intimate relationship with someone you don't really know all that well. We gave each other permission to take it slow and open up at our own pace, but we also made it very clear that we weren't going to hold back and pretend to be someone else like so many other people do when they're courting. We tried to be as real and genuine with each other as possible. We worked on being excellent life partners. We're "in love" but that's not why we're staying together. It's a shared commitment to the marriage and the life we both want. And we've both made the conscious choice to be happy in the marriage. We don't pick apart each other's faults because that wouldn't get us anywhere but where we don't want to be.

    As a bonus, my parents absolutely adore him, and his parents love me, too. And, it turns out, we're awesome parents together. It was a real leap of faith, but it paid off.

    Submitted by Mammacheryl on Fri, 06/08/2007 - 09:58
     

    Back in the day

    when I was dating, I LONGED to live in a culture of arranged marriages, but one where I would have a voice. I felt like it was going to take a village to find me a life partner. In the end, I, too, used an internet site. I loved the idea of getting help finding the right guy, as long as the pressure to follow family wishes is manageable. :)

    Cass

    Submitted by Cassandra on Fri, 06/08/2007 - 11:23
     

    The middle path

    Hi Cass, Mammacheryl! Congratulations to both of you for finding your partners and figuring out what works best for you :)

    Thank you both for sharing your experience with me.

    Mammacheryl, your situation is probably comes closest to what many young Indians are going through, with one major difference: You had the option to figure out what you wanted rather than what your parents or family members wanted.
    For many young Indian men and women, accommodating their parents' preference comes first. That narrows down their pool of prospective partners a whole lot.

    Without a doubt, this middle path is far more humane than being forcefully married off to a man (or woman) you'd rather not be with. Or, worse, being married off elsewhere when you are in love with someone else.

    As I discuss in my next post, the arranged marriage system works best when the couples have some say in it. Better still, if they voluntarily opt for it.

    Submitted by snigdhasen on Fri, 06/08/2007 - 16:43
     

    Really enjoyed this series of posts

    Very interesting to read; thank you for sharing your perspective!

    Liz Rizzo

    I blog at Everyday Goddess and On The Lot.

    Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Mon, 06/25/2007 - 16:13
     

    Thank you Liz

    It is a complicated subject and I am glad I was able to offer some new perspective.
    Appreciate all your comments and feedback.

    Submitted by snigdhasen on Wed, 06/27/2007 - 20:13