Editors note: Don't miss the rest of this series:
Part 1: Where I come from
Part 2: Arranged marriages, then and now
Part 3: Why arrange a marriage?
I conclude my series on arranged marriages by looking at problems that go beyond the obvious: issues plaguing the system that can easily kill any good that it's capable of. Why should women or feminists groups care?
So, where is the problem? Like any other system that is guided by unwritten laws, arranged marriages are open to abuse. The problem arises when marriages are forced on couples. In some cases going against parents can be near fatal. My friend in the UK (who, by the way, had to literally escape from her parents' home to marry her guy) tells me this is an acute problem in the South Asian community there. It strikes me as peculiar when I see parents who have moved to Western countries decades ago subject their children to a tradition that holds no value for those raised in the West. They seem to be living in a time warp. They uphold traditions and value systems that have either evolved or died even in India, leave alone their country of choice.
The UK is considering a law to prevent such forced marriages. According to a Guardian report:
The joint Home Office-Foreign Office Forced Marriage Unit was set up in 2005 and deals with 250-300 cases a year. About 65% of cases involve people of Pakistani descent and 25% are of Bangladeshi descent. About 85% of cases concern women, 15% men.
Cases mostly involve women aged between 15 and 24, and one in four is under 18. Suicide rates among young Asian women are more than three times the national average and about 12 women are thought to die in Britain each year as a result of so-called "honour killings".
Killing couples for falling in love against set norms is not absent in India either. They make news from time to time and popular scripts for Indian movies. I have no doubt in my mind that there are a good number of cases where families resort to threat, intimidation and violence to make young couples toe the line. The numbers would have ballooned had some young boys and girls not realized the dangers of making their own move. There are men and women who forgo their desires to avoid violent conflict. One can only hope that they will change the rules of the game once they become parents.
Parents are known to emotionally pressure their children into giving in. Some call it “persuasiveness”, I call it emotional blackmail. What does a boy or girl do if his/her parents threaten to die, or say they will be socially ostracized if their children don't marry according to tradition? To me, this is abuse of power -- the emotional and traditional power that parents enjoy in India.
At another level, arranged marriages tend to keep social divides – be it language, caste or religion -- intact. Hindu Bengali Brahmins marry Hindu Bengali Brahmins, Protestant Keralite Christians marry Protestant Keralite Christians, and so on. I believe inter-cultural marriages play a major role in fostering understanding, tolerance and peace. But arranging a marriage outside one's community is rare, if not totally absent.
Vandana Mohan has an interesting take on why the modern Indian woman has fewer reasons to follow tradition and marry at the “right age”. Sharmin Banu, a U.S.-based engineer of Bangladeshi origin, urges that it is necessary to know the person (not just his qualifications) before saying I do. (Her posts can be found on a women's blog tied to a voluntary organization called Adhunika that promotes use of technology to help uplift Bangladeshi women worldwide).
I'd like to make a clear distinction between arranged and forced marriages. At the same time, I cannot deny the underlying social pressures that deny couples the right to own their marriages (or any of the associated ceremonies, for that matter). There is no perfect system. You win some, you loose some. You take your pick.
But I want young Indians like me to be sure that they are not confusing abuse with respect, or freedom with the right to be stupid. Such awareness can only come with more education and much more exposure to different cultures. It will take time, probably generations.
I recommend you read:
A post about a girl's experience (and frustration) as she goes through the arranged marriage process. From her posts I gather she is a modern Indian girl who knows a thing or two about the world. (Bhindi in Hindi means okra).
Bloggers on Sepia Mutiny who discuss threadbare a New York Times article by an Indian American woman trying to arrange an Indian cousin's marriage to someone in the States, assuming that this was a better option for her than being locked in a marriage in India.
Anita Jain's article that takes us through her journey from being a freewheeling (Indian) American to allowing her parents to look for a suitable boy for her. It is one of the best articles I've read so far about the Indian American woman's predicament.
Speaking of family bonding, I'm off to the scenic Lake Tahoe for the weekend with my husband, parents-in-law, sister-in-law and her family. Have a lovely weekend all. See you next week.
