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Ah, June. A nice month, not too hot...and generally a popular time for weddings. But with so many taking place, I thought we should hear from some people who don't plan on having a ceremony—ever.
From Jill:
As far as I can tell, most people end up getting married—yet I can’t imagine that every one of those people, or even most of them, found someone who, social constraints and cultural expectations aside, they would actually want to spend the rest of their life with in a monogamous relationship. I don’t think it’s cynical for me to point out that most people settle. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. Marriage is the cultural norm. It brings tons of benefits with it, including important social ones—men and women of a certain age are expected to be married; married people socialize with other married people; not being married is often viewed as an indicator that something is wrong with you. At some point (early 20s in much of the country, early 30s in places like New York), it seems like everyone around you is getting married, and if you’ve been with the same person for a while and you get along well enough and love each other, then marriage just makes sense. And of course, there are those rare people who find the love of their life and enter into a fabulous marriage that they whole-heartedly want to be in and that trumps all other aspects of their life in its perfection. But those people are few and far between.
Hugo said, in response to Jill's post:
I'm convinced that a great many women [...] are reluctant to marry (or marry again) because they believe that their are relatively few men worth marrying. Many women look at the colossal sacrifices other women make in marriage, they look at the legions of husbands and fathers who are emotionally distant or desperately dependent, and they say to themselves "no thanks." They are legitimately concerned that when they marry, a part of themselves will disappear; they fear—sadly, often rightly—that they will be forced to neglect their own growth to focus on enabling the growth of their husbands and their children.
Now obviously I have friends who are happily married or partnered so I'm not trying to diminish or disrespect anyone's relationship. As long as you're happy, I'm happy for you. I'm just saying that marriage isn't necessarily the be all/end all for everybody and it's unfortunate that we're sold that box of rocks from the moment we're born, wasting years and years and years chasing after some dream that isn't even ours.
One can find peace and joy and love and fulfillment without a partner and I'm living proof.
You see, I'm not broken. I'm not anyone's "other half". I'm not "empty" and there is no "hole" in me to fill. I am whole and I belong to me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
When SJW's parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary, she said she would never reach that milestone herself. It's not because she doesn't see herself staying with the same person, but because they've made the decision not to get married:
We have myriad reasons for not getting married. The biggest from my side is that I know it makes no difference. Either we're committed to each other or we're not, and no piece of paper will make that change for us. D will stay or he won't. And I don't want to be a slave to convention when there is no reason for it. I don't want to get married just because society tells us we should.
But the fact is that being married IS different than living together, as any same-sex couple denied that right could tell you. We have the luxury, D and I, of getting married should we so choose. (So do, of course, all same-sex couples in our country.) We could change it. But we don't. Why bother, now? In a way I kind of don't want to just to prove to people that you can co-habit and raise a family and own a home and NOT be married. Just because so many people were so shocked when I said I was pregnant, and asked me if it was planned, and even told me that co-habiting couples are more likely to split up. Makes me want to make it work just to spite them.
From a guy's perspective—Tobias, on why he can't see himself getting married:
It has
