When my long-time marriage ended two years ago, my then-therapist told me to check out online dating. Since then, I’ve gone on meet and greet type dates with more than a few people I met online and learned that while there is still some stigma attached to online dating, it’s one of the basic dating tools for the over-40 crowd—and very common with people in their 20s and 30s as well.

A year or so into my dating life, I ended up going to work at Yahoo Personals -partly because I’d formed strong opinions about what dating sites did and didn’t do well—and now that my day job is helping people find meaningful connections, love and romance-I’ve learned even more about how online dating works.

So, with this mix of personal and professional experience, let me share the following tips, based on my own experience, on successfully dating online:

1. When you create a profile on an online dating service, say exactly what kind of person you’re looking for and precisely specify their attributes—because the matching engine is working with a database, the system serves you exactly what you asked for from a huge pool of prospects—that means that if your search criteria are too broad, they can push down the best candidates and you won’t see them soon enough. In plain English this means that if you want someone who is 35-42, athletic, college-educated, makes over $100,000 a year and doesn’t smoke—specify exactly that—in a big dating service, you’ll still get a lot of matches and you’ll be able to focus on the best fit prospects.

2. Photos really matter, but lots of people (men and women) don’t want to put them up. If your hesitation in adding photos has to do with privacy, consider only using services that require all searches to have their own profiles (this cuts down on gawkers). If your issue is that you don’t want people to look at you and send you emails based on your appearance, consider creating your profile, adding pictures, but then making it unsearchable--this would allow you to share your profile and photos with people who you contact and who respond to you, while limiting the amount of contacts you’ll receive. And if your issue is that you don’t have any good pictures, fix that—find a friend or get a photographer who can take some decent shots.

3. Anyone with only one picture posted probably doesn’t look like that anymore. More likely, they are fatter, older, grayer—or look significantly different from every other angle.

4. Online daters have three ages—the one they post on their photo, the age of the person they want to date, and the age they really are, which is harder to discover than the size of their mortgage.

5. People don’t always want exactly what they say they want—or, appearance really does matter for some guys. For many men, their date’s appearance reflects how they want to be perceived—the more a man describes his income and his status as reasons to date him, the more likely he is to want a traditionally *pretty* partner as evidence he’s arrived.

6. As you go down the socio-economic ladder, men’s appearance preferences seem to broaden to include heavier women—I have no idea whether this is a this is who I can get or a this is what I want scenario-or whether tastes just broaden when people have less status (or are less status conscious.)

7. Not everyone is honest. If someone who contacts you has a profile that says he is interested in women ages 18-99, with many of their other desired characteristics set to Any, any, any—they could be a scammer or a spammer and you should stay clear or proceed with great caution. And if they’re eager to get your personal email address right away and get off the dating site, be cautious-that's iffy-I don't share email addresses till I have a better sense of someone.

8. Consider how much you want to give people who contact you the benefit of the doubt—or not. When I started online dating, I was eager to scrutinize each profile and find people who seemed possible. Now, a year or so later, I only look for people who seem probable—there are just too many people out there to wonder if someone who’s on the edge of what I’m seeking is a possible fit-I save those corner cases for the guys I meet first in real life, not online.

9. Understand that the people you meet online are mostly strangers; don’t expect perfect behavior. Unlike social networks, where you and 1,000+ strangers are connected through friends, online dating services trade off networking for privacy. This means that while it’s great that guy you’re chatting with doesn’t really know who you are and where you live, it also means you don’t share the network of friends and family connections that requires him to treat you well. Out of this come two lessons: First, if you meet someone online who is connected to you in real life, give them extra possibility points—a shared context is an excellent factor in predicting compatibility; second, don’t be surprised if people disappear or stop taking calls after one, two, or even three dates—the fact you have no shared context except for some talk and a deep knowledge of Starbucks means that if they want to disengage, they have no inherent incentives to treat you well as they peel off.

10. IMing, emailing, and even talking on the phone don’t reveal whether you and Date Boy have that elusive thing called “Chemistry” so get your meet on if things seem promising.

11. Men who meet you for coffee and don’t offer a business card, home address, or info other than email and/or cell phone are signaling they’ve got something to hide.

12. It’s amazingly common for online daters to start off sharing a false name and a dummy email address—but during date one, when you meet, if you seem to like one another, you should both come clean. If you get the sense you’re not getting a real name or the complete picture, bail right then and now—always listen to your gut and don’t worry about what the guy might think—you don’t know him well enough yet that it should even matter.

13. Assume anyone who is attractive, sane and engaging is very likely to currently be attached to someone else to some degree and they’re most likely shopping for better and more appropriate possibilities—just like you are.

14. Sometimes the frogs are really cute. During my online dating journey, I’ve meet a number of interesting, appealing men, who were smart, sensitive, and warm-but who just didn’t do it for me as a relationship possibility. If you focus on trying to make yourself make it work with one of these guys, you’re not making the time to discover someone who really feels right.

15. It’s supposed to be a journey of discovery, try to keep it fun. This could mean both appreciating everyone you talk to and varying those first date meeting spots so it’s not the 10,000 cup of coffee, or the same old same old bar. There’s no reason you can’t meet for a walk in a public park, or a stroll through town-sometimes having a gentle activity takes some of the pressure off and makes it easier to talk.

What are your top tips for successful online dating?

I’ll be writing a relationship column 2X a month and would love to hear questions, ideas, suggestions, stories and more from you all.

Email me at susanmernit@yahoo.com, or post comments here.