Conquering Your Trauma "Anniversary"
by pookielocks

Each year, as February 15th rolls around, I begin my cycle of reaction: Nightmares. Flashbacks. Anxiety. Irritability. Hypervigilance. Anorexic tendencies. Picking at my skin. Crying easily. Constant frustration. Driving recklessly. It's all so familiar, yet there's little that I can do to stop the array of reactions from worming their way into my functioning life.

As February 15 approaches, I long to be Proactive. "This year," I tell myself, "will be different. I will gain control of myself in only positive ways." Then, as if right on schedule, my post traumatic stress symptoms march inward to the beat of yearly repetition. Once again, Proaction has become Reaction.

If you are a survivor of any type of traumatic event, whether it be a natural disaster, a sexual attack, a violent relationship, even the loss of a loved one, you and I are kindreds. We may have different symptomology, but we are inherently the same. We must fight every year to try and win the epic battle we lost on that fateful date that binds us to it forever.

Over the years, I've discovered some small but significant ways to lessen my reaction to my anniversary date, and I'd like to share them with you, in hopes that one or more of them might work for you. I'm not a psychologist or a doctor or a person with any professional qualifications. I am simply a survivor, and in this case, I believe that's enough.

Try 1 or more of the following ideas to help you get through the preceding weeks up through the inevitable day of the anniversary:

1. Find a trusted friend and tell them how you're feeling. Tell a doctor, a friend, a counselor, a neighbor. DO NOT let youself go through this alone.

2. Find positive coping techniques that work for you and use them when you are in distress.
For example:
a. Wrap up in a comfortable blanket; put on soft pajamas
b. Light a candle and drink some hot tea
c. Carry a smooth rock in your pocket. When you're feeling upset, reach in and feel it's strength.
d. If you feel yourself mentally "leaving the room" try naming the objects around you (ie. lamp, vase)
e. Carry a small notebook everywhere you go. Write down those negative, scared feelings.

3. Make sure you are eating at least 3 times a day and are getting enough rest. When we are emotionally upset by a traumatic event, our body's resistance wears down. It's a lot easier to catch illnesses that way.

4. Plan to do something positive for yourself on your anniversary date.
For Example:
a. Get a new haircut
b. Get a massage or a facial
c. Take yourself shopping
d. Stay home with a friend and watch comedies
e. Have a friend "kidnap" you for the day and keep you busy with fun activities

5. Write yourself or your anniversary date a letter. I promise this helps. I've included my own below as an example.

“Dear February 15th,

I can feel you looming. I can feel you in my bones. You're a part of me now. You have been for 7 years.
I used to be terrified of you. I used to cry and bawl and shake and fear you. The terror would start months before you were even in sight. I consciously knew you were coming and I waited for the worst.

I used to be angry with you. I was pissed that you even existed. I was mad that you had such an effect on me and my life. I subconsciously knew you were coming for months ahead of time, and was very conscious of you beginning January 1st. With fists clenched, I waited for you.
Now, I vaguely think of you on and off. It started in mid-January. With less than a week to go, I just feel sad. I'm not even sad in the sense that something so horrible happened to me. I'm more in mourning for the innocent girl I used to be. I'm sorry that she ever had to feel such a loss of control and the feeling of having her safe world disintegrate before her eyes.

It's not your fault that you exist, just like it wasn't her fault it happened to her, just like it's okay to admit that I am her."

Please always remember that although you may feel alone as the sole survivor of a horrible day, you are never alone. Family, friends, and other survivors can be there for you if you let them.

Eden (edensurvivor at yahoo dot com)
http://www.taking-back-control.com

Submitted by pookielocks (view blog) on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 07:46

Comments

 

Wow, Eden

This post is very powerful, and provides some really practical advice for people too. Thank you for sharing your coping mechanisms...I know you'll be helping someone else with this!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.org

Submitted by Elisa Camahort on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 09:20
 

With you...

Dear Eden,
Your post was powerful and brave.
I will think of you on the 15th.
Know that you have helped.

Best,

Lyndsay
www.vegancowgirl.blogspot.com

Submitted by Lyndsay Daniel on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 10:10
 

This.is.wonderful.

I will remember it and share it.

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

Submitted by Kim Pearson on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 10:37
 

Your gift to the community

Thank you Nikki. I just put this post in the breaking news link that appears in our masthead, on every page of the network.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Submitted by Lisa Stone on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 11:02
 

wow

thank you all!

Submitted by pookielocks on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 11:27
 

Thank you for this.

I'm printing this out and putting it in my calendar for later this year: for March, when I get lost and become invisible... and for November when I typically want nothing more than to be in a coma until January 1st.

This year maybe i won't completely lose parts of the year.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

Submitted by debra roby on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 11:42
 

Good advice even if there isn't a specific
date.

My anxiety (based not really on single traumatic events, but traumatic periods of my life) isn't tied to a certain day, but I can see how this list would help ANY day I'm feeling anxious. Printing now - thank you for posting this.

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Submitted by Rita Arens on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 11:57
 

Being that it is now two months since

I lost my baby.....I TOTALLY get this.
I also watch my dh on the anniversary of his dads death and then this year it will be for his mom.

Today though..reminders are right there as I am away to do blood tests to figure out what went wrong

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com

Submitted by Crunchy Carpets on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 12:30
 

Timely for Me

I have a few traumatic events that trigger episodes like what you described. While I try, as you said, every year and with every separate issue to be proactive, I often end up a big ball of mess and ick. I'm going to go ahead and print this out in hopes that the anniversaries won't mean a total loss of self this year.

Thank you.

-
Jenna
Stop, Drop and Blog
Birth/First Parent Blog
The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Submitted by JennaHatfield on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 16:26
 

This is so true.

The week of January 10th is the anniversary of the ending of my most significant and hope-filled relationship, and the catalyst for so many things. For three years I've trudged through this week with difficulty...not helped because the holidays tend to stress me and my birthday is lumped in there too.

I'm so glad you put the most important thing first. Talk to someone. Have someone on call who won't dismiss your worries or feelings, someone who doesn't believe in timelines for grief. My best friend was with me through that time and still is, and she is the person I can call and say the things to that I'm afraid might sound ridiculous. She never fails to remind me that I've kept putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes that's all you can ask.

It also helps to get scary, anxiety-producing things out of my head. I always say, "My brain is a dangerous neighborhood. I shouldn't be allowed in there alone." Amazing how things can seem more manageable sometimes when they're literally let out, not so magnified.

Hope February 15th holds some good things for you this year.

Laurie

Submitted by lauriewrites on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 17:00
 

Beautiful

beautiful post and great advice.

don't know anyone's specifics - don't need to - but i do know that i survived a very violent attack 21 years ago now. i also know that i have no idea what the date was. or even, now that i think about it, the month. but i used to. i used to be able to tell you what time it was, what i was wearing, what the date was. and honestly, i have no idea now.......

so the only thing i would add to your list is to have faith. time, life and love have a miraculous way of leaving us only with what matters - and that is time, life and love.

be true to yourself and embrace the future.

with love - alyssa

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 17:13
 

I just purposely forget. :(

I had a miscarriage on January 10, 2006. It was traumatic--especially when they put her (I believe it was a her) in a clear cup near my head--only for me to see this teenie tiny face. I was 12 weeks along. They forgot about her, they forgot about me. They asked, "What are you crying for?" I completely block that day out of my memory every January 10th. I honest to God purposely make myself forget when that day comes. But everyday before and everyday after, I remember. And it breaks my heart.

~Shannon

A Girl's Gotta Spa!
Makeup Minute
Beauty Pro

Submitted by Shannon Nelson on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 18:28
 

Thank you - my date is next week :(

I struggle each year with the fact that what should have been the most joyous day in my life was also the date that nearly appeared on my tombstone. And each year the conflicted feelings only grow - the joy and gratitude for such a wonderful day get sweeter, and the traumatic memories of fear and pain come flooding back. No one else around me understands this paradox.

I will try to heed your words this time around. It's only a few days away now. Thank you for sharing.

Submitted by ozarkslady on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 22:14
 

Great Topic! March 18, 2006 The Day My Life
Changed Forever

On March 18th 2006 ear[y Saturday morning.when I got the news my mother passed away in her sleep during the night. I feel so bad she died alone and will never know if she passed quietly in her sleep or if she was terrified knowing she was going to die all alone.. This thought has been with me almost 2 years. I feel quilty I wasn't there. I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done but just not being able to say goodbye or be there at the time she needed me most still is always on my mind.
Losing a mother and also suddenly becoming a adult orphan , my dad passed in 2000 ,has changed my life forever.. My biggest change was becoming a "Adult" at 39 years old, mommy was gone , my life was all my own now and I wasn't anyone's baby anymore but I was a mother with two daughters already yet I never felt the true meaning of what a mother meant until my own mother died. I was her legacy, my children one day will have to face my death as well . I was a mess mentally almost to the point of getting in patient help. Help was all around me but I wasn't ready to listen, I just wanted my mother back. Through professional help I learned my mom is still with me I will carry ny memories and love for her in my heart forever.and I see her everyday when I look at my 6 year old daughter who looks more and more like her each day and I learned that I have 2 sisters and a brother who love me and are there for me yet I never felt they were til my mother died and I feel so blessed they helped me get through my pain and major depression and as a result we have become so much closer than we ever had before. My mother always said your family is the most important thing you will ever have and she is right. I know March 18th is approaching marking 2 years she has been gone. I know she is smiling down knowing our lives have finally move on. I will never know the details what happened when she passed but it isn't really important and though I still get that "chill" thinking about it, I now believe so thing are better off not knowing and I think of how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mother and know I was loved.
cheryl klein

Submitted by cheryl klein on Thu, 02/07/2008 - 06:48
 

Helpful, Healing Tips!

Thank you, Eden, for this wonderful post! And thank you, Lisa, for putting it up as a breaking news link.

As I see from the comments here, there are many traumatic anniversaries that can be problematic. There are many definitions of "Survivor." I, myself, founded and maintain THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I hope you will consider submitting this post to one of our monthly editions. The February theme is love and your list has many great ideas for survivor self-love and self-care. See my blog for carnival deadlines and details.

You may also consider (if you haven't already done so) submitting this to the Abyss2Hope Blog Carnival Against Sexual Violence. I know a lot of these survivor-readers would find your ideas helpful as well.

Healing Blessings to All!

www.survivorscanthrive.com
http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com
JOIN US FOR THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE!

Submitted by Marj aka Thriver on Thu, 02/07/2008 - 11:23
 

It is so courageous and

It is so courageous and wonderful that you've shared your story. I too have a Survive-iversary, as does my brother for a very different life-changing experience. Despite the different stories we've lived, we've supported each other through the trauma and the recovery and each year, we honor the other's day. I place flowers on the altar at our church in celebration of his life and he simply calls to tell me how strong I am. It has made that day for me connecting instead of disconnecting and helped me to see my life on a continuum rather than defined by one lousy day. The power, I think, comes in CHOOSING a ritual of some sort to reclaim the power or the quiet or the serenity or the calm or the laughter or whatever it is you need most.

I wrote about my brother's Survive-iversary here. In turn, I will definitely check back here on all these rich comments and on your site. Take good care.

http://sassafrass.typepad.com/sassafrass/2007/07/survive-iversar.html

Oh me. Oh my. Oh mama. Link TextSassafrass

Submitted by Jessica Ashley on Fri, 02/08/2008 - 14:55
 

In Appreciation

Eden,

All I can say is Thank You for sharing your perspective and your strength with us!

I've never experienced anything like what you've been through, but making peace with chronic illness hasn't always been easy for me. I often feel angry. And May 21st never goes by unnoticed.

Bless you,

AmyT
www.diabetesmine.com

Submitted by Amy Tenderich on Fri, 02/08/2008 - 15:15