Are You A "Lame Mom"?

Up until this February I was still playing in a rock band... trying to keep the house of rock alive somewhere beyond the house of mom and wife. I finally quit because I'm PG w/ baby #2 and my older kid is 22 months and I had to commute over an hour to get to band practice and blah blah blah blah. I must admit that since I also quit my job when I had my first kid, the rock & roll made me feel somehow more legit and not so "lame." Then again, my husband's always been the homebody and if anyone goes out it's me, not him, and he stays home w/ the kid, so I had the opposite problem of feeling guilty for being the wild rock & roll mom coming home at 2am (albeit only once a month or so) even when I was breastfeeding. It's like there's guilt either way, which is super lame, because I never really struggled with guilt before I got married and started having kids. Now...even though I occasionally miss rock & roll, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than put the kid to bed, make dinner with my hubby and eat while watching a couple episodes of Six Feet Under or the Daily Show. Oh, and top it off with a bag of pepperidge farm brussels cookies before we hit the hay (at 9:30pm). Is there really anything wrong with that???

More than a solution or advice obdr, I was looking for a little sharing among likeminded individuals. I was feeling a certain way, and as I often do, I let off a little steam by trying to put what I'm feeling into words on my website. I know it is within my power to change the way things are, but mostly I'm OK with the way things are. I just have to watch that I don't allow myself to be defined by the associations I make about parents and parenting, and writing about it on my website helps me do that.

Oh and I kind of take that back for the first few months... and had the same problem when I was breastfeeding. I could hardly stand to be away for longer than 2 hours because I worried but also because it *hurt*.

Another crucial thing for getting (back) into the habit of
going out or making time for yourself... if you can, build in time to chill out AND to get ready. I need an hour and a half to take a shower, get dressed, and just kind of shift my mind out of "mom" mode and into where I feel rested and excited about going out.

-----------------
Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama ( http://badgermama.blogspot.com ) - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

I'm definitely happiest being out of the house sometimes. I started going to a late night cafe to work on writing back in 2000, one night a week. That expanded to monthly poetry readings and literary stuff. Then I realized I could go back to school, and most of my classes were in the evening, so every semester I had a night or two away.

I'd suggest to combat the lame feeling... take a class and get a mom-friend to go do it with you. And/or go out for coffee at a nice restaurant, it will only be 5 bucks and you get to be a grownup.

I don't like bars either. But cafes, restaurants, libraries, yes! If you make a habit of it then it will just become part of your routine.

-----------------
Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama ( http://badgermama.blogspot.com ) - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

.. and it feels way better to work through the tired and the "I don't want to" and actually go out and do something. Could be something old. Could be something new. You may not want to party anymore, but it doesn't sound like sitting at home is working for you either.

I'm sorry my words were inappropriately harsh - this hits on my personal big bag o'issues. I resented my husband big time for not sitting around feeling lame with me. I was 30 going on 80 - crusty and cranky. And really, it's better not to feel that way. :)

I was less lame back in New York, especially when we had only one child. Working in the music business, I had many more opportunities and a whole lot of co-workers who had become friends over the years.

With two kids, it's much harder to go out and party. It's a 1:1 ratio of kids to parents, and it's hard to justify leaving your spouse with both kids while you go pray to the porcelain god (or at least sleep it off for a couple hours). I prefer to spend my partying capital on major excursions like BlogHer.

hmm...I think you might have misread what I wrote. My intention was to talk about how I FEEL lame not necessarily even *wanting* to go out and do things I used to prior to having kids (though my husband does, thus sort of compounding feelings of lameness). Sort of like "Am I getting old now?" and "Will I soon start shouting to kids that they should 'Get off my lawn!'?", but more relative to the role of wife/mother.

Hope that makes sense. I'm not sure it did.

ANYWAY... (ahem, cough...)

xo trace
++++++++++
sweetney.com ( http://www.sweetney.com )
email me ( sweetney@sweetney.com )

Oh my god, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

Seriously, sounds like we're living the same life in alternate dimensions (your is Entertainment, mine is Web Industry).

I just ate two pop tarts and it TOTALLY HELPED. heh.

xo trace
++++++++++
sweetney.com ( http://www.sweetney.com )
email me ( sweetney@sweetney.com )

Stop whining. Take action.

Understand that I've been there too. (I can't believe the feelings I've been through trying to post this.)

Figure out what you need to do to feel good about yourself, and do it. (Go to a rock concert, find a babysitter....) It might only be little things now, but it's still important.

There is nothing lame about the mothering role. Only about how you're defining it. You don't have to be a martyr to be a mother.

Every Friday night, Daren and I date. We felt disconnected from each other and I was feeling les and less like myself and more like the lame mom that is described in Shanntastic. It has really helped us. We talk about things that interest us and it is hardly ever about the kids. It's been fantastic, and I get to dress up and put make-up on, something I hadn't bothered with for some time. I highly recommend dating your spouse!
--
Troll Baby ( http://bigdlittledmistatruffyandme.blogspot.com/ )

Troll Baby Graphics ( http://trollbabygraphics.blogspot.com/ )

Add to the usual Mom lameness the fact my husband works in the entertainment industry. They are forever having these "client" parties during work hours with big name directors and the like. So he calls me tanked at noon, while I'm knee deep in cheerios and Daily Show re-runs.

Then there are the stay late at work parties where wives and spouses are welcomed...but we have no babysitter not to mention a baby that still can't go 2 hours without boob. So even if I could find a sitter, the DRIVE alone would take up my 2 hour window.

I'm going to go console myself with some snackwells now.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://qofsandkids.blogspot.com/ )